(no subject)
Lately i feel as though im at a point in my life, how ever brief, that is a big gap of emptiness (sp?). The past year or so i have found who I am and what i expect of myself. Its been really hard lately, finacially anyway. been barely making it by, if at all. My credit is fucked for the time being, I never get to go out anywhere unless someone else is paying, and its driving me crazy. I dont like depending on anyone else. So I stay in and watch movies, mess around on the net, or hit the gym for 2 or more hours at a time. money issues should clear up soon. im working a second job and i should get a $70 boost in mil pay every check.
and right now forming new relationships around here is pointless to me. i dont even let myself care about anyone anymore(down here). its to the point where most of the time i take a certain pride in everything, now, i just couldnt be bothered with it. it all seems so trivial. ive even tried to have pointless sex, but i cant seem to be interested enough. nothing wrong with the women at all, infact some of them have been what im looking for as far as exploration goes. but i just cant bring myself to care.
i think its that i follow lifes signs. in everything that we do, theres always some sign telling us what is right or wrong. and lately life has just been telling me to keep to myself. something will pop up out of the blue that stops my plans for hanging out with someone, on multiple occasions. to me thats a sign to stay away from that person. ive always lived on signs in life, and they have never once failed me. maybe this isolation is just to make sure nothing disrupts my life at the moment.
then there are those that i see signs that point directly to them, all the time. some of them ignore me, or are simply to busy for me. some of them i think are scared of what i represent, or who i could be to them. all in due time, i guess. i just hope that they will do their thing and eventually invite me back into their lives again. be it friend or who ever i see as being a possible girlfriend. right now i really dont care either way, cause i dont want a girlfriend till a while after i get out and stabilized. thats not to say im going to avoid it, mind you. just means im not going to do anything to get one. wierd, no?