Captain Frisks-a-lot
Time for rantings.
I'm probably going to go to Haven this week. And I was thinking about it while in the bath. I seriously don't feel comfortable in my own body. This is why I don't enjoy myself at Haven, I am so worried about fitting in, not looking like the fat girl, not making an ass out of myself, etc. I don't dance because I feel like when I move, I just jiggle. I can't move like the thin girls, I can't ever compare.
I wish I could see myself as attractive, but I don't. There are days I like how I do my makeup, or my face isn't as broken out, but I never think "Hey I'm really attractive." Its why I strive to be such a good person (other than the fact that I believe its the right thing to do to be a good person) Because if I was ugly and a bitch? Hell I'd be so alone.
Of course, it doesn't really help that most of the time, especially at Haven, no one ever says "Wow Ally you're pretty" Or "You look nice" other than Chelsea who I think feels obligated, since I ask if I look okay in my outfit. I know that I shouldn't base my self-worth on what others think, but thats somewhat how I got this way.
Being told your whole life that you are too fat to be pretty, and that you are ugly ugly ugly, starts to get in your head and taint the way you actually look at yourself. I don't think since we moved to Agawam, I have never once really thought of myself as "Beautiful on the outside". When I bring it up, or it comes up in conversation or something like that, people always tell me "Oh Ally you're so pretty, really you are!" but they don't know how hard it is to believe it. Sure with makeup I look fine, but my natural face I feel is so ugly. This is probably why I am single, how can I love someone else when I don't love myself?
I really do need less negative in my life, and more positive. I just wish my friends would say I'm pretty because they mean it, not because I'm having a pity party. This all really came about after the whole thing Wednesday night. I was feeling pretty okay, all the body issues in the back of my mind, and then boom. It's like a relapse.
Maybe someday, I'll see myself as beautiful on the inside too...
I'm probably going to go to Haven this week. And I was thinking about it while in the bath. I seriously don't feel comfortable in my own body. This is why I don't enjoy myself at Haven, I am so worried about fitting in, not looking like the fat girl, not making an ass out of myself, etc. I don't dance because I feel like when I move, I just jiggle. I can't move like the thin girls, I can't ever compare.
I wish I could see myself as attractive, but I don't. There are days I like how I do my makeup, or my face isn't as broken out, but I never think "Hey I'm really attractive." Its why I strive to be such a good person (other than the fact that I believe its the right thing to do to be a good person) Because if I was ugly and a bitch? Hell I'd be so alone.
Of course, it doesn't really help that most of the time, especially at Haven, no one ever says "Wow Ally you're pretty" Or "You look nice" other than Chelsea who I think feels obligated, since I ask if I look okay in my outfit. I know that I shouldn't base my self-worth on what others think, but thats somewhat how I got this way.
Being told your whole life that you are too fat to be pretty, and that you are ugly ugly ugly, starts to get in your head and taint the way you actually look at yourself. I don't think since we moved to Agawam, I have never once really thought of myself as "Beautiful on the outside". When I bring it up, or it comes up in conversation or something like that, people always tell me "Oh Ally you're so pretty, really you are!" but they don't know how hard it is to believe it. Sure with makeup I look fine, but my natural face I feel is so ugly. This is probably why I am single, how can I love someone else when I don't love myself?
I really do need less negative in my life, and more positive. I just wish my friends would say I'm pretty because they mean it, not because I'm having a pity party. This all really came about after the whole thing Wednesday night. I was feeling pretty okay, all the body issues in the back of my mind, and then boom. It's like a relapse.
Maybe someday, I'll see myself as beautiful on the inside too...