I'm the lord of darkness, and I'll eat your babies.
Whew. First post on a new journal. Perhaps I'll actually keep this one up. Perhaps...now that I know someone is reading, (rofl morgan). What will posses them to read the crap I rant about here, I will not understand, but good luck to them!
Might as well write about what I came here to right about.
Weight, and losing it. God when it comes to this topic I feel so weak. Looking at the things I've been through, and how people think I am so strong, whenever this topic comes up, I fall apart. I've tried so many things, and failed. I don't want to go on a diet, because then I'll never get to enjoy anything, but I also don't want to stay at this state that I am in. Resenting myself and my body, even my face.
People give me advice, which I don't mind, but usually in the end I feel weak. Like I really can't do this, I am in over my head. I'm too lazy, too worried over stupid little things, that make no sense and make me seem like a fool, or a whiny brat. The reality is I have so many fears when it comes to losing the weight.
I fear if I do all this diet/nutrition shit , I'll never get to enjoy food, I'll grow to resent eating because I'm always eating things I don't enjoy. I feel like I won't be able to actually go out to eat and enjoy it, because then I'll feel guilty, and then I can't go out with friends to eat because I won't be able to enjoy it, or if I do, people will be like "well isn't she on a diet? She shouldn't be eating that."
I've tried all the nutritionist stuff before, many times. They always tell me to eat shit I hate, and ask me to do a food journal, which I always end up lying in because I'm tired of bring it in and being proud of myself for eating a salad for once, and then them just going "Oh okay, well you did this this and this and this wrong. fix it."
I want to work out, but there comes the anxiety, of people looking at me judging me, etc. And i hate going alone, but the people I go with always expect me to do way more than I physically can at the moment. I'm just starting out, jeez.
And then I look back at everything I say, and feel like its all just a bunch of excuses. I just don't honestly know. I never know what to eat for meals, or what to do with myself. I feel so stupid, and broken, and just all around fucked up.
I don't want to be the fat friend, or always the fat single one, but...I don't know if I honestly can do this. I've tried so much, and whenever I try to tell people all the stuff I've tried I feel like I hit a wall with them.
I just hate my body.
Might as well write about what I came here to right about.
Weight, and losing it. God when it comes to this topic I feel so weak. Looking at the things I've been through, and how people think I am so strong, whenever this topic comes up, I fall apart. I've tried so many things, and failed. I don't want to go on a diet, because then I'll never get to enjoy anything, but I also don't want to stay at this state that I am in. Resenting myself and my body, even my face.
People give me advice, which I don't mind, but usually in the end I feel weak. Like I really can't do this, I am in over my head. I'm too lazy, too worried over stupid little things, that make no sense and make me seem like a fool, or a whiny brat. The reality is I have so many fears when it comes to losing the weight.
I fear if I do all this diet/nutrition shit , I'll never get to enjoy food, I'll grow to resent eating because I'm always eating things I don't enjoy. I feel like I won't be able to actually go out to eat and enjoy it, because then I'll feel guilty, and then I can't go out with friends to eat because I won't be able to enjoy it, or if I do, people will be like "well isn't she on a diet? She shouldn't be eating that."
I've tried all the nutritionist stuff before, many times. They always tell me to eat shit I hate, and ask me to do a food journal, which I always end up lying in because I'm tired of bring it in and being proud of myself for eating a salad for once, and then them just going "Oh okay, well you did this this and this and this wrong. fix it."
I want to work out, but there comes the anxiety, of people looking at me judging me, etc. And i hate going alone, but the people I go with always expect me to do way more than I physically can at the moment. I'm just starting out, jeez.
And then I look back at everything I say, and feel like its all just a bunch of excuses. I just don't honestly know. I never know what to eat for meals, or what to do with myself. I feel so stupid, and broken, and just all around fucked up.
I don't want to be the fat friend, or always the fat single one, but...I don't know if I honestly can do this. I've tried so much, and whenever I try to tell people all the stuff I've tried I feel like I hit a wall with them.
I just hate my body.