Comedy Notebook Reopened
Awhile back I found my spiral notebook where I put little bits of paper with funny lines and jokes written on them. They were written mostly between 2005 and 2006 when I was actively dreaming of being a comedian. It wasn't long after that I stopped thinking about funny shit all day, and started focusing on the negative problems in my life. It will be nice once again to really open my mind up to the funny, and not the unfunny. Today Ive been tired all day, a result of the side effects of the new meds ive been taking. I was worried at first, but after reading online about the side effects, it put me more at ease. I just need to remind myself that this is going to take time, that I won't be better overnight, and that after staying on these meds for at least a month I will most likely begin to feel better, and the side effects will start to dwindle. Anyways. during the time I was writing comedy bits and jokes, it served as a distraction to the depression and anxiety that had been slowly brooding underneath. Comedy always made me feel better, and today since Ive been in a bit of a sour mood I decided to reopen the notebook and go through the scraps of paper. Some of these still make me chuckle, and I decided to write down some of the jokes and bits I still enjoy.
In order to be homeless, I have to be able to push carts.
A lady was sneezing so loud that is sounded like she was having an orgasm. So I just closed my eyes and pretended that she was.
My cousin asked me what it meant to lose your virginity. I told her it was the first time you ride a roller coaster.
"Where did you lose your virginity?"
"Riddler's Revenge, last november. It was awesome, we were strapped in and even went upside down. It was all over in less than a minute, what a rush."
Gifts from the Whitney Christmas of 1995:
A Lego.
Magnets.
My mom was freaking out the other day because the dog swallowed a quarter. I said lets feed him three more and see if a soda pops out.
I have a bad memory, and I'm skinny. I would make a horrible elephant.
I remember getting felt up by security before attending a homecoming dance. Apparantly the best place to hide a weapon is under your ballsac.
There's something off about the term 'losing your virginity.' Because when you say you lost something, your pretty much automatically implying that it can be found again.
Don't think a baby likes you just because it smiles at you. It could mean that your face looks like a breast.
Grocery stores usually have an aisle dedicated to "feminine needs", which happens to be the most embarrassing aisle a man has to shop. I don't think this is really fair. I feel that stores should be equipped with a 'Men's masterbatory needs' aisle. It would have all the products you would naturally think of, condoms, lube, etc, and some random shit like dusters and pipe cleaners that would confuse and freak women out. If I worked at a store with said aisle, I would re-direct customers there no matter what they were looking for.
"Oh yeah, check down the Men's masterbatory needs aisle.."
"For lunch meat?
"Oh yeah, especially lunch meat."
On being high at Disneyland:
I had to keep reminding myself that ToonTown is not edible.
"Matt, stop licking Mickey!"
What's worse than getting high at Disneyland? Getting drunk, naked, and joining the parade, only to hear people confirm that it is, in fact, a small world after all.
You really shouldn't play tennis while high, its pretty easy to confuse the net with a hammock.
"I used to work my ass off at this theater. Making popcorn, cleaning seats...now look where I am. Still not getting paid. In fact, they'll probbly still make me sweep up later."
Have you ever been so hungry that you said "Fuck it" and ate a catepillar? Welcome to my childhood.
Have you ever walked through a cemetary and found people who have died on their birthdays? That sucks. I won't pee on those ones. I save it for names of ex-girlfriends and bullies.
I saw a lady with a shirt that said 'Smile, your mom was pro-life.' Actually, she was just poor.
How my dad became a born-again Christian:
My dad is a born again Christian, which means he went out and found a Chrisitian mother and climbed up into her vagina. Then he waited for the holy timer to go off and was born again. Have you ever witnessed the 2nd birth of a new Christian person? A beam of holy light is emitted from the woman's crotch while she plays the trumpet with her ass. Then a full grown 185 pound man drops out. Then the mother usually dies, which is for the better, because I heard born-again Christian mothers like to eat their young.
We have a problem with obesity in this country because if you get fat enough you are rewarded with a handicap placecard and get to park in the front rows. This does not make sense. The obese should be given their own parking lot, exactly 2 miles from any given entrance at any establishment. This sounds cruel, because I guess theoretically an obese person might not survive a 2 mile hike, but in that case we would only be lowering an ugly statistic.
Soroity girls are just high school cheerleaders with shorter skirts.
This year I made my own Christmas gifts by cutting holes in the crotch of my girlfriends sweat pants.
Life is about perception. When your in a relationship the best invention ever created is the pill. When your single, its the life size barbie.
Costco is not a place for midgets.
In order to be homeless, I have to be able to push carts.
A lady was sneezing so loud that is sounded like she was having an orgasm. So I just closed my eyes and pretended that she was.
My cousin asked me what it meant to lose your virginity. I told her it was the first time you ride a roller coaster.
"Where did you lose your virginity?"
"Riddler's Revenge, last november. It was awesome, we were strapped in and even went upside down. It was all over in less than a minute, what a rush."
Gifts from the Whitney Christmas of 1995:
A Lego.
Magnets.
My mom was freaking out the other day because the dog swallowed a quarter. I said lets feed him three more and see if a soda pops out.
I have a bad memory, and I'm skinny. I would make a horrible elephant.
I remember getting felt up by security before attending a homecoming dance. Apparantly the best place to hide a weapon is under your ballsac.
There's something off about the term 'losing your virginity.' Because when you say you lost something, your pretty much automatically implying that it can be found again.
Don't think a baby likes you just because it smiles at you. It could mean that your face looks like a breast.
Grocery stores usually have an aisle dedicated to "feminine needs", which happens to be the most embarrassing aisle a man has to shop. I don't think this is really fair. I feel that stores should be equipped with a 'Men's masterbatory needs' aisle. It would have all the products you would naturally think of, condoms, lube, etc, and some random shit like dusters and pipe cleaners that would confuse and freak women out. If I worked at a store with said aisle, I would re-direct customers there no matter what they were looking for.
"Oh yeah, check down the Men's masterbatory needs aisle.."
"For lunch meat?
"Oh yeah, especially lunch meat."
On being high at Disneyland:
I had to keep reminding myself that ToonTown is not edible.
"Matt, stop licking Mickey!"
What's worse than getting high at Disneyland? Getting drunk, naked, and joining the parade, only to hear people confirm that it is, in fact, a small world after all.
You really shouldn't play tennis while high, its pretty easy to confuse the net with a hammock.
"I used to work my ass off at this theater. Making popcorn, cleaning seats...now look where I am. Still not getting paid. In fact, they'll probbly still make me sweep up later."
Have you ever been so hungry that you said "Fuck it" and ate a catepillar? Welcome to my childhood.
Have you ever walked through a cemetary and found people who have died on their birthdays? That sucks. I won't pee on those ones. I save it for names of ex-girlfriends and bullies.
I saw a lady with a shirt that said 'Smile, your mom was pro-life.' Actually, she was just poor.
How my dad became a born-again Christian:
My dad is a born again Christian, which means he went out and found a Chrisitian mother and climbed up into her vagina. Then he waited for the holy timer to go off and was born again. Have you ever witnessed the 2nd birth of a new Christian person? A beam of holy light is emitted from the woman's crotch while she plays the trumpet with her ass. Then a full grown 185 pound man drops out. Then the mother usually dies, which is for the better, because I heard born-again Christian mothers like to eat their young.
We have a problem with obesity in this country because if you get fat enough you are rewarded with a handicap placecard and get to park in the front rows. This does not make sense. The obese should be given their own parking lot, exactly 2 miles from any given entrance at any establishment. This sounds cruel, because I guess theoretically an obese person might not survive a 2 mile hike, but in that case we would only be lowering an ugly statistic.
Soroity girls are just high school cheerleaders with shorter skirts.
This year I made my own Christmas gifts by cutting holes in the crotch of my girlfriends sweat pants.
Life is about perception. When your in a relationship the best invention ever created is the pill. When your single, its the life size barbie.
Costco is not a place for midgets.