How much destruction can I cause in a week?
Many things have happened since my last entry and all seem to be in the negative direction. I think that for a while, I need to stay chemical free to keep my mind together and try to put things back together. The drugs can stay gone, nothing but bad things come from the drugs. I feel real bad for Angella. So much so that my immediate reaction is put nothing but space between me and Angella. I think a long time ago I gave up on my life, but I refuse to take anyone else down with me. She is a tenacious one though. She won't give up on me and maybe that is what I need--someone to believe in me and help me get through the bad times and someone to celebrate the good times. NO one else seems willing to follow me through this difficult journey. God how I really hate myself. I truly despise myself. Even when I seem to be doing well the whole time I hate myself for having done what I have done and having given up on things that I have given up on. Most people try to put as much space as possible as they can. I cannot say this is entirely true either. I am the only one who really ended up giving up on me. I have had friends and loves and they stuck by for as long as they could... But the sight of myself in the mirror has always been too much of a burden for me to bear. I know I cannot live here for too much longer. I think my mom sees in me wasted hope or something like that. She is the first one who is willing to throw me into prison and for that I hate her. I am bound to stumble and fall and stumble and fell I have. I no longer have a job and neither does Angella. I know my grandmom will no longer pay for the car insurance or whatever and I will just have to tell her don't bother. I am sure mom has told whoever everything. She won't be happy unless I am in prison for the rest of my life. Did I blame her when she suffered from depression and became a recluse? I think not. Well, this is my version of depression and it is also the cure and the cause. I know the problems it creates and part of me wants to get away with it and keep on pushing forward without getting any real habit. But it is too costly. I cannot do it anymore, I have to and I am letting it go. The drinking will have to take a backseat for a while as well. I do not claim to be perfect where the drinking is concerned but the drugs will have to be a perfect zero--the only perfect number there is. I don't want to die but I can not go on living like that. I hate losing things even if they are minor. I saw a couple jobs i will apply for soon. I hope to get some that have immediate openings. Nine dollars is nine dollars. i don't give a fuck about now. I will just save my money and be on with it. I have to start finding things that I like to do and I hope Angella can do the same. Things that steer away from the drinking and the drugs. LIke I said, drinking is all right, but there has to be some more shit to do... I have to keep myself occupied for the moment. LIfe is like a collage... I need more on the picture than broken pieces of life from drugs, sex and drinking, and rock and roll. God, I don't even know what else I really like. I have a few hobbies but they aren't anything real special. I never really threw myself into anything. I always stayed outside of everything. I always saw myself how I think others might see me if I did this or that. Talk about regret. I have many many of them. Frozen with Fear... I let fear rule me for too long. For a very long time, which is funny cuz in other areas of my life I didn't let fear stop me. I always knew that it took some getting used to no matter what it is. But for some reason there are things which i refuse to let myself go into... I don't even know what they are anymore. I forgot so much. I started to practice forgetting because remembering seemed too painful for me to keep on doing. Anyway that is all I really have to say tonight.