balh
instant karma is going to get you... Man I am freezing. There must be like no heat on whatsoever. It may be like ten degrees warmer in the house than outside the house. I am feeling tired and jaded. I need to get a second job. I always want more..!!!! There are going to be things that I am not too thrilled about and there are going to be the things I love. And, of course, I always want the things that make me feel good or at least better about being myself more. Does this make me an addict? I think the term was just invented. I don't have the time to use drugs all day everyday-it is too conflicting with what I want to do and who I want to end up being by the time I die(many years from now)(OK Angellla?)(lol). I just always see the end as well as the beginnings. The middle is obscured. I know I am smarter than this. AS TO this Friday... I don't know yet. I would like to do some certain things but i don't know. I am just looking forward to seeing my love again. Spending all last weekend was great. And this weekend we may have the opportunity to do more than hang around the house. Which is a good thing. Tomorrow I will see if my grandmom will give me some money. Definitely have to go by fourth and spring garden cuz this traffic thing. I wish I had the money to fight it but I guess it will have to be a payment plan. Fucking Cops. I hate them and I can't stand them. Fucking mirror...!!! I can't believe I will have to pay for this shit!!!! I guess in a way I caught a break.?? I am running out of things to say I will go up soon and just watch tv till I fall asleep. Maybe make a phone call... I went to a meeting tonight and it just depressses me anymore to do so. I never felt any better. I might like to get high but now i won't let it go to an excess-there are just too many other things that I have to do with my life. I can no longer afford to lose more time than an occasional night or day or whatever. I can honestly say I am not feeling too siked about being me at this moment in time. Tomorrow may change it but I was thinking...ever since the whole drug rehabilition thing happened years ago I have been one miserable motherfucker. I use to walk around in prison and the LIfers use to ask me what the hell is wrong with me??? I would be like damn "they arent leaving here and have a better demeanor than i do". but those thought of gratitude only lasted so long. The next day Id be on a rampage again thinking about my life and the ruin I layed to it. My problems were originally my solutions to a different problem.. HOw Funny is that? I can pretty much remember the who's, where's, how's it all origiinated from. But I am thinking my brain is full and unable to hold information like it once did. Was it the drugs??? I don't fucking know. Blaming shit like that seems to be a bad waste of time. I know all about wasting time and waiting for shit. I am thinking something more has to change in my life. Changes are definitely coming. I just have to be patient. I guess I fit into the addiction mold. I always want more. But then again, who doesn't like to have their fill of things that make them feel good? I like sex and love and drugs and money and friends(hard to believe, aint it?HA), I like eating and drinking, I love family (another shocker!), I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I still know I started really getting down right before I left prison. Probally b/c I foresaw shit like this and days like this. My body is so sore but it looks so good. I can actually say this aloud. I swam for a while today and did some light arms. God I look good. If only i felt this good. It is a good sore though. Today is the first day I didn't get drunk all weekend long. I don't miss it. I didn't really want to last night, then again I didn't want to sit at a bar all night especially since it was me and mark and neither one of us was say ing too much. I was so tired I kept putting my head on the bar. And I had to drink what he was drinking. I really don't like beer too much. I don't like too much alcohol. I guess I am just a drug man. It is cheaper and easier in my mind. Infernal cocaine, God how my stomach cringes when I think of that evil drug. Spent all last wednesday throwing up. The worst part is that I wouldn't mind doing some again. (Very little to enhance the heroin)(but that is a different story)It's sort of funny when I think about it. I don't know if it is a good funny though.Well I listened to about four more songs in the time it took to write this down. Hey Jude just wrapped up and now it is Simple Man. I am not going to like tomorrow too much. Have to go to the outpatient place and then to norristown. I guess I will be starting outpatient real soon and I know that the window for me to get high will be a lot smaller. Im sure i will be going like three days a week. monday wed, and friday-probally starting next week i guess. At least my po will be off my case and I probally won't have to go to norristown anymore but for once a month. But having to go to outpatient and hear all the crap.... Yea I have been there and done that. I don't feel like it anymore. The more they force this shit on me the more I want to tell them to go fuck themselves. Six More MOnths!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good night sweet love if you read all this