"only the strong survive."
once again, i just dont know.
one year ago today, halloween, i was in a much different place. i was taking the train downtown to my dad's office, attempting to do my homework on the way. i met my dad, and he drove me to the hospital in the rain. i visited my brother in the hospital. it was hell week for the crucible, and it was the only day i would be able to visit him. and it was terrible i could only go there once. i saw my brother sitting in the bed, the thinnest i had ever seen him, with multiple iv's in his frail bruised arm, the other bruised from where they used to be. his hair was thinning, and i was so scared. i could not hold back my tears when i saw him there. or now. it just didnt seem fair. seeing him there, and having to watch him get up every ten minutes and wheel his ivs with him to the bathroom across the hall. it just made me so upset. he was there for surgery, to relieve his pain. and yet, today, he's in the same position. if not worse. its a constant battle. and i just wish there was something i could do. but im not sure there is. i remember sitting on the stage with mr. miller the next day while i was waiting to hear word from my mom about the surgery. they kept pushing back the times cause of doctor availability. i wanted to be there, but i was at school. it was hard. "if i could be anything, i could be medication for you." i wrote it on my hand that day cause i wanted nothing more than to just be able to cure him. but there is no cure. chronic bullshit. and it still scares me. i remember having my mom stay at the hospital as late as she could. she was there all day saturday, and it was the weirdest feeling ever to perform and not have her there watching. it was hard performing and putting on an act when i was crushed inside.
thinking of halloween last year made me continue thinking. after the crucible i had the nhs banquet to take care of. and sean came home on the day of the banquet. and no one expected it. i didnt know he would be home that day. and i remember him sitting on the couches in our family room. but it wasnt as if he was feeling any better. he was surprised they even released him then. and i remember feeling terrible i had to leave him to get ready and go to the banquet. i remember being the last officer to arrive, and since i was president, that looked terrible. and i remember someone making a comment about me being late, and i just wanted to say "if only you knew." cause they didnt know. and i didnt want to get into it. but your damned right that my brother was a hell of a lot more important than being on time.
more thinking. i remember getting that call on a sunday night near the end of a family dinner. and i didnt believe it. at all. and i guess it still feels weird. and it really hit home. and there was so much crying. it was so hard. it was really hard. it's still hard.
and then i was thinking of how excited i am for thanksgiving break. and then i remembered last year's thanksgiving break. and how much more i cried. and how i guess it serves as a life changing moment. or at least a life long struggle. how much i mentally struggled from that day forward. i dont know. it was the hardest time in my life. i felt like there was one thing after another coming down on me and i didnt know when it would stop. i couldnt handle much more. i guess it made me stronger in a way. or much much weaker in another. i laugh now, cause is it even worth it? im advised by pretty much everyone to never again. so it makes me laugh that you try. but i guess it's nice. i dont know.
once again, i just dont know.
i'm happy you wear the shoes.
i guess that's all i can say.
i dunno. sometimes i wish there was more to say.
i know my life isnt nearly as hard as others, or painful, or challenging. but ive had hard moments, ive experienced a hell of a lot of pain, and have been challenged in many ways. i dont know if im a survivor. i dont know if i have overcome everything that ive gone through. i dont know if im as strong as i think i am. i dont know if i am capable of the things i once was. i dont know if i am who i thought i was.
enough of that.
coming home was amazing and much needed. i really do love home. and the fact that i almost missed the chance because of my stupidity was upsetting. but i made it. thank goodness. and thank you dad. seeing my mom and being so close to her is such a blessing. having her be as excited as i was to surprise my friends really meant a lot to me. surprising all of my friends one by one was such a great feeling. it fell into place perfectly. everything was perfect. and i couldnt have asked for more. dad, shannon, friends, family. everyone. going home really did suck. the bus was late, awful, and way too long. i cried on the bus ride home. looking out the window, feeling like crap, and being behind schedule, made me want to go home and crawl in my own bed. and hug my mom again. i dont know. i was homesick already. and i convinced myself i could get through it. halloween weekend, homecoming weekend, girls weekend, aunt's weekend, and then im home. so thats what is pushing me. school this week and last are/were just awful. and i guess im just trying to push through. cause thats all i can do. the pressure to succeed is starting to overwhelm me and i do not want to fail. i need to keep this scholarship, or me coming here seems pretty pointless. i dont know. its hard. halloween was a lot of fun. and me and the flag football team for centennial won our game tonight, so we're in the championship tomorrow. yay for homecoming and trying to be involved. and meeting good people. i dont know. nothing can compare to home, and i guess i cant wait to get there. i really miss being able to do all the things i love. im not handling that well, but im not sure what else to do. who knows. and i do not realize how fast time goes. i need to go to bed.
thanks for the therepy session. i needed a good cry.
and i hope antigone goes well this weekend. im sorry i cant be there.
one year ago today, halloween, i was in a much different place. i was taking the train downtown to my dad's office, attempting to do my homework on the way. i met my dad, and he drove me to the hospital in the rain. i visited my brother in the hospital. it was hell week for the crucible, and it was the only day i would be able to visit him. and it was terrible i could only go there once. i saw my brother sitting in the bed, the thinnest i had ever seen him, with multiple iv's in his frail bruised arm, the other bruised from where they used to be. his hair was thinning, and i was so scared. i could not hold back my tears when i saw him there. or now. it just didnt seem fair. seeing him there, and having to watch him get up every ten minutes and wheel his ivs with him to the bathroom across the hall. it just made me so upset. he was there for surgery, to relieve his pain. and yet, today, he's in the same position. if not worse. its a constant battle. and i just wish there was something i could do. but im not sure there is. i remember sitting on the stage with mr. miller the next day while i was waiting to hear word from my mom about the surgery. they kept pushing back the times cause of doctor availability. i wanted to be there, but i was at school. it was hard. "if i could be anything, i could be medication for you." i wrote it on my hand that day cause i wanted nothing more than to just be able to cure him. but there is no cure. chronic bullshit. and it still scares me. i remember having my mom stay at the hospital as late as she could. she was there all day saturday, and it was the weirdest feeling ever to perform and not have her there watching. it was hard performing and putting on an act when i was crushed inside.
thinking of halloween last year made me continue thinking. after the crucible i had the nhs banquet to take care of. and sean came home on the day of the banquet. and no one expected it. i didnt know he would be home that day. and i remember him sitting on the couches in our family room. but it wasnt as if he was feeling any better. he was surprised they even released him then. and i remember feeling terrible i had to leave him to get ready and go to the banquet. i remember being the last officer to arrive, and since i was president, that looked terrible. and i remember someone making a comment about me being late, and i just wanted to say "if only you knew." cause they didnt know. and i didnt want to get into it. but your damned right that my brother was a hell of a lot more important than being on time.
more thinking. i remember getting that call on a sunday night near the end of a family dinner. and i didnt believe it. at all. and i guess it still feels weird. and it really hit home. and there was so much crying. it was so hard. it was really hard. it's still hard.
and then i was thinking of how excited i am for thanksgiving break. and then i remembered last year's thanksgiving break. and how much more i cried. and how i guess it serves as a life changing moment. or at least a life long struggle. how much i mentally struggled from that day forward. i dont know. it was the hardest time in my life. i felt like there was one thing after another coming down on me and i didnt know when it would stop. i couldnt handle much more. i guess it made me stronger in a way. or much much weaker in another. i laugh now, cause is it even worth it? im advised by pretty much everyone to never again. so it makes me laugh that you try. but i guess it's nice. i dont know.
once again, i just dont know.
i'm happy you wear the shoes.
i guess that's all i can say.
i dunno. sometimes i wish there was more to say.
i know my life isnt nearly as hard as others, or painful, or challenging. but ive had hard moments, ive experienced a hell of a lot of pain, and have been challenged in many ways. i dont know if im a survivor. i dont know if i have overcome everything that ive gone through. i dont know if im as strong as i think i am. i dont know if i am capable of the things i once was. i dont know if i am who i thought i was.
enough of that.
coming home was amazing and much needed. i really do love home. and the fact that i almost missed the chance because of my stupidity was upsetting. but i made it. thank goodness. and thank you dad. seeing my mom and being so close to her is such a blessing. having her be as excited as i was to surprise my friends really meant a lot to me. surprising all of my friends one by one was such a great feeling. it fell into place perfectly. everything was perfect. and i couldnt have asked for more. dad, shannon, friends, family. everyone. going home really did suck. the bus was late, awful, and way too long. i cried on the bus ride home. looking out the window, feeling like crap, and being behind schedule, made me want to go home and crawl in my own bed. and hug my mom again. i dont know. i was homesick already. and i convinced myself i could get through it. halloween weekend, homecoming weekend, girls weekend, aunt's weekend, and then im home. so thats what is pushing me. school this week and last are/were just awful. and i guess im just trying to push through. cause thats all i can do. the pressure to succeed is starting to overwhelm me and i do not want to fail. i need to keep this scholarship, or me coming here seems pretty pointless. i dont know. its hard. halloween was a lot of fun. and me and the flag football team for centennial won our game tonight, so we're in the championship tomorrow. yay for homecoming and trying to be involved. and meeting good people. i dont know. nothing can compare to home, and i guess i cant wait to get there. i really miss being able to do all the things i love. im not handling that well, but im not sure what else to do. who knows. and i do not realize how fast time goes. i need to go to bed.
thanks for the therepy session. i needed a good cry.
and i hope antigone goes well this weekend. im sorry i cant be there.