Sex=, taxes=, business work=, the nor6m
Life is life and 6my co6mputer's keyboard is still borked. I honestly don't gi5ve a fuck because to be totally frank I'5ve been in a Not Great Place for a while=, and I'6m still in a Not Great Place -\ it looks like it'll take a while for 6me to get ^Medicaid so I can talk to a professional listener and get out of a Not Great Place. Then I re6me6mbered LJ and while it isn't a professional listener at least I can screa6m into The %Void for a little while and hope that The %Void is at least listening.
Which is better than just keeping it all to 6myself and not letting it all out=, I think.
So I figured out around this ti6me last year that 6my brain is not doing what it's supposed to=, and I'6m depressed 6most of the ti6me.
This is where I ha5ve to explain that for the greater portion of 6my adult life (from about 20 years old on) I'5ve noticed that I'll suffer the physiological sy6mpto6ms of depression (e.g. lethargy=, decreased appetite=, trouble sleeping [either too 6much or not enough]=, and decreased energy) but I'6m such a 6moron that I either don't notice or don't experience the psychological sy6mpto6ms of depression (e.g. lowered 6mood=, feelings of helplessness and agitation, etc.) This 6makes it difficult because I'll just assu6me that I'6m being a la`zy ass=, and won't actually take ti6me to look at 6my psychological well-\being.
Well=, around this ti6me last year I finally noticed that I was/a6m depressed because I was feeling ALL of the sy6mpto6ms. You na6me a sy6mpto6m for depression and I pretty 6much had it excluding one glaring red flag which we'll get to in a bit.
And at that ti6me I confronted 6myself psychologically and e6motionally and had to ad6mit that I probably get depressed a lot in 6my life=, it's so6mething that co6mes along pretty regularly. So I'6m probably in the "6manic depressi5ve" category so6mewhere I just deal with it differently (this 6makes a lot of sense because now that other 6me6mbers of 6my fa6mily are doing DNA tests all of the genetic flags [ALL OF THE6M] that apply toward depression are checked off so we all are just %Very Sad People.) I figured at that ti6me that e5ventually it would go away if I could take care of the stressors in 6my life; stress can contribute to depression so if you get rid of the stress you can control the depression 6more=, right?
So 6me being 6me=, and ha5ving spent a lifeti6me de5veloping possibly 6maladapti5ve coping 6mechanis6ms=, I looked at all the stressors in 6my life and reali`zed that the biggest stressor was Henrique -\ because he was so stressed about Boggy Creek. Ok=, if we get rid of Boggy then his biggest stressor will be gone which will eli6minate 6my biggest stressor=, so the proble6m will be sol5ved=, right?
Cue six 6months of 6me literally taking 6months or years off 6my life pulling out all the stops to co6mplete Boggy Creek as quickly=, efficiently=, and beautifully as possible.
You know that episode of A6merican Dad where he jokes around that "you can't pay bills with wife-\lo5ve"? Yeah... Turns out you can't pay bills with dedication=, either.
I totally fucked 6myself in the ass financially by focusing so hard on Boggy Creek (which Henrique didn't finally pay 6me for all the work=, in so6me way or another=, until the beginning of this year) by not working on anything that paid 6me cash so I could focus on this godda6mn fucking du6mbass T%V show=, to get it finished=, so Henrique wouldn't be stressed. At least if he wasn't stressed all the ti6me we could enjoy our ti6me together!
And surprise surprise=, all of the "stress" he had about Boggy Creek carried o5ver to hi6m losing weight=, or his fucking dog=, or his fucking fa6mily=, or so6me new partner who was a bitch=, or so6me other du6mbass thing.
All this to say=, when he and I first started dating he was an incredibly sexual person. He couldn't get enough of 6me=, Alia=, or anyone else. Dude was ready to Go 24/7 and that was kind of aweso6me because so a6m I=, and e5ven if (at that ti6me) we had to work around 6my 6marraige at least there was so6me kind of sexual relief at the end of the tunnel.
I got di5vorced and things were ok for like 6maybe six 6months!
Then when he started ha5ving gallbladder attacks in 6mid-\2017 it was understandable that his libido tanked: 6mine would=, too=, if I was experiencing labor-\intensity pains e5very-\other day. When he was in reco5very fro6m surgery at the end of 2017 it was also understandable: his entire insides had been rearranged surgically so no duh he doesn't feel up to physical contact. I started to get a little annoyed at the beginning of 2018 because that's when Alia started pulling away e6motionally= fro6m both of us, and Hen was starting to feel the pressure fro6m Boggy Creek. Ok so both of 6my partners were in a funk=, I can deal with that.
Being essentially ho6meless for al6most fi5ve 6months in 2017 definitely put a da6mper on things. It's hard to feel sexy when you're worried about spreading one plague or another -\ e5ven 6more difficult to find ti6me for lo5ve-\6making when you don't ha5ve a place to do it. (Ne5ver6mind the fact that I had to stay o5ver at Henrique's a lot=, so we had a6mple opportunity just didn't feel up to it due to Roaches and Bed Bugs.)
Then 6mid-\2017=, right when I found a new place to li5ve=, Alia broke up with Henrique and I broke up with her. Regardless of the circu6mstances of the breakups=, it's heard to get it on when both of you ha5ve a broken heart.
But honestly the thing that really broke 6my heart= 6more than the breakup(s), and in hindsight was probably a 6major catalyst for 6my 6most recent depressi5ve episode (which=, if we're keeping a ti6meline=, is al6most 18 6months and counting) was the day Henrique got 6back fro6m a trip to the east-\coast and Alia broke up with hi6m. He and I were talking about it=, and he said=, "I just wish she would ha5ve broken up with 6me sooner. She could ha5ve called 6me on the phone while I was still in Jersey. I ha5ve another trip next week=, I could ha5ve just stayed in Jersey fucking Tori and at least then I would feel better."
Ouch.
Ok.
So I talked 6myself down in an instant fro6m blowing a fuse because he's known Tori for a long ti6me=, it probably would ha5ve been co6mforting to not co6me back to Dayton and just stayed in a beach house and fucked her e5veryday until he had to work again. NE5VER6MIND the fact he had a girlfriend in Ohio equally as hurt and broken as hi6m. No. I a6m a strong independent wo6man=, the fact that 6my boyfriend doesn't find co6mfort in our lo5ve6making of course HURTS. But if it's a fact it's a fact.
I ha5ve spent 18 6months internali`zing that=, probably not in a healthy way.
So I tried for a while=, about three months=, to not put any pressure on Henrique about sex. I would do subtle things though=, like wearing a cute outfit and doing 6my 6makeup real nice=, to try and be enticing. Nothing e5ver ca6me of it. In fact=, it see6med like ti6mes we had scheduled to be alone together he went out of his way to in5vite other people o5ver just so we wouldn't ha5ve ti6me alone. Which=, again=, I internali`zed in probably a 5very unhealthy way but if that's how he feels I'6m not going to work extra hard just to pull hi6m out of his own depressi5ve funk. I was PRODUCING A GODDA6MN FUCKING T5V SHOW FOR HI6M ON HONOR NOT PAY=, what 6more can I do?
Holiday season of 2018 is when he decided he Needed a Dog because He Is Lonely -\ and I fought it for a while. I was there for hi6m=, his friends were there for hi6m=, why was he lonely? Well=, we "weren't there often enough." But he tra5vels a lot and spend a lot of ti6me away fro6m ho6me=, and his house is 5very s6mall. Where would he e5ven put a dog? But he had 6made up his 6mind and adopted Henwolf. Now=, don't get 6me wrong=, I absolutely adore Henwolf and she is such a good fit for his fa6mily. But the fact of the 6matter is that for a few 6months he used her as an excuse to ne5ver lea5ve his house (e5ven to co6me 5visit 6me) he would use her as an excuse to get out of sex (because we didn't know how she would react to all those loud noises) and it beca6me pretty apparent to 6me that he was subconsciously using ha5ving a new pet as an excuse to not be sexually acti5ve. Ok.. Weird=, but I guess I can get it.
Then=, a little before this ti6me 2018=, he started dating again. He 6met this girl na6med Laura and a 6million red flags went off in 6my head but you know what? If he was interested in dating that 6meant he was interested in sex=, and if he's interested in sex at LEAST that 6meant we would fuck 6more than once e5very two or three 6months=, right? I would ha5ve literal NIGHT6MARES about e5verything that was wrong with their relationship and actually WAKE UP CRYING NEXT TO HI6M and would just co6mfort 6myself that I was being paranoid and wake up the next 6morning and act like e5verything was alright. I e5ven went so far as explaining a drea6m to hi6m=, explaining what I was feeling=, and then deconstructing the drea6m for hi6m=, and he still didn't get the clue.
I won't lie=, it really hurt 6me when the first ti6me he finally left his house 6more than a couple hours was to spend the night at Laura's and he asked 6me to watch Henwolf for the night. After spending a year refusing to co6me o5ver to 5visit 6me at 6my house except for the ONE TI6ME he ca6me to help 6me 6mo5ve after pretty 6much e5verything had already been 6mo5ved. So like... Yeah=, he will 6make the effort to go 5visit HER but not 6ME. Ok. I see how it is. Ok but NRE is a thing=, 6maybe he was just excited about the new relationship?
Spring Cine6ma Wasteland 2018 was an absolute terror. I forgot to bring 6my 6makeup kit (funny how spending 6months doing your 6makeup to be sexually attracti5ve to your boyfriend and getting no notice re6minds you that you aren't sexually atracti5ve so you don't try any 6more) so he harped on that all weekend. On top of that he hardly paid attention to the booth and left it 6mostly to 6me and Da5ve so he could talk with Laura (based on how he described their sexual interactions at the ti6me I'6m assu6ming he was just sexting her but I a6m probably paranoid. ) He didn't say but two words to 6me and Da5ve when we all went out to dinner=, talked 6more to the waitress so he could get his order= 6made special, and spent 45v 6minutes texting (or sexting) Laura and didn't say anything 6more to 6me and Da5ve until we were lea5ving the restaurant. Da5ve left us alone that e5vening and Henrique hardly talked to 6me until Laura finally went to sleep=, and then it was a basic "thanks for co6ming=, ha5ve a good night=, see you in the 6morning" kind of talk.
I kept holding out hope that hi6m dating Laura was a good thing=, and once their NRE subsided that he would pay 6more attention to 6me.
Then he 6met and started dating E6m6ma.
^My 6mood tanked because he was spending so 6much ti6me on his new relationships=, and I was so busy 6MAKING HIS FUCKING T5V SHOW WORK= on top of trying to hold 6my head abo5ve water financially, AND build 6my own business=, that we hardly got ti6me for each other. I had a little breakdown and wept in his ar6ms because he hadn't touched 6me sexually in al6most two 6months but had been going on dates (that had sex so6mewhere in there) with Laura and E6m6ma -\ so did he not find 6me attracti5ve or what? And no=, he explained that he has just been "so depressed" and it isn't that he finds 6me unattracti5ve he just has a hard ti6me getting it up. I told hi6m at the end of the talk that I felt a little better just knowing that he was depressed and I hoped he would get o5ver it soon. I was just afraid he was going to forget 6me.
Guess what happened a week later?
Yeah. He forgot he and I had scheduled a date=, then went on a date with E6m6ma=, and totally forgot 6me. He didn't re6me6mber he and I had scheduled a date until the next 6morning when he called 6me to talk about how great their date went=, and finally asked how I was doing=, and I cried and said=, "Not great. I'6m really depressed. " "Why?" "I just thought we had a date together last night but it's ok I guess. I 6must ha5ve been wrong. I'6m glad you and E6m6ma had a good ti6me? Can we ha5ve a date together so6meti6me?"
And of course he felt like shit=, and tried to 6make it up to 6me that day. He ca6me o5ver with a bouquet of roses=, and 6made 6me a steak dinner=, and we spent a wonderful afternoon together. But throughout it all was a 6manic tinge of paranoia that I was going to lea5ve hi6m o5ver this -\ which I didn't=, ob5vi -\ but that doesn't 6mean I'5ve forgotten how 6much that hurts. He nearly cried when he was cooking 6my steak and with a 6manic twinge in his 5voice insisted=, "This is great. We should do 6this 6more often." He said it was fun hanging out at 6my place=, that it was nice to be out of his house=, and that we should spend 6more ti6me e5venly between 6my place and his; but the whole ti6me it sounded 6more like he was terrified of losing 6me=, not that he was actually ha5ving a re5velation. He sounded like a little kid reali`zing if he didn't get his chores done then he wouldn't get desert -\ not like an adult hu6man being reali`zing the error of their ways and ad6mitting where they were at fault. (Note: he hasn't spent any 6more ti6me at 6my house. I ha5ve said=, "it would be nice for you to co6me and 5visit 6me" nu6merous ti6mes and I get excuses about lea5ving Henwolf alone too long [bullshit.] The last ti6me he 5visited at 6my house was a 6month ago when I adopted E2 and I literally had to DRI5VE HI6M HERE 6MYSELF just to spend fi5ve 6minutes playing with 6my kitten. He HAS co6me to check on 6me once=, which I'll talk about=, but that's it.)
Then Laura broke up with hi6m and he was e5ven 6more depressed all the ti6me=, and I was left to clean up the e6motional pieces. He would la6ment that "he's just not attracti5ve=, and way too fat" and I would be sitting there choking back tears because I had been all but BEGGING for hi6m to lay a sexual touch on 6me for a year and it went nearly unnoticed. So what a6m I=, chopped li5ver? Does 6my opinion not count because we'5ve been dating so long? What can I do to be 6more attracti5ve? And the answer was always "he's just so depressed=, it's hard to feel inti6mate/get it up."
So this was about June of 2018 when I finally started to confront the fact that I was 6manic-\depressi5ve and needed to figure it out. Henrique e5ven noticed and suggested that I should get professional help -\ which=, he's one to talk since he WILL READILY AD6MIT THAT HE IS 6MANIC DEPRESSI5VE BUT REFUSES TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. But you know what? I con5vinced 6myself that if I got help then I would be stable=, and then I could help hi6m=, and it would all be ok. I do need help=, this isn't healthy=, but his 6moti5vation shouldn't be just that 6my depression is 6making hi6m unhappy -\ which it was. I don't think it's healthy for 6me to seek e6motional health si6mply to co6mpensate for the fact that he=, hi6mself=, is not e6motionally healthy.
I would spend 8=, 10=, 12 hours a day on weekends choking back tears while I worked DoorDash because he'd be telling 6me all about his plans with E6m6ma=, or all about new girls he was 6meeting on Tinder=, and how attracted he was -\ but then when we got ti6me together he would be all depressed and just didn't want to ha5ve sex. He would ha5ve e6motional tantru6ms o5ver fights on FB and literally screa6m while we were in the car together= (not at 6me=, thank goodness), but didn't reali`ze how triggering this was to 6me until I started to cry about it. I think he still doesn't totally understand how detri6mental his beha5vior was to our relationship because he was acting so 6much like ^Max=, but I tried to just con5vince 6myself that it was only because he was stressed and depressed and it would get better with ti6me.
Then he 6met Blu6m=, and I had an existential crisis for se5veral weeks because yay! he was feeling good enough to date another person! But boo! he still wasn't interested in ha5ving sex with 6me.
I think he noticed about that ti6me that I was Not OK with hearing about his sexual experiences with other people so he stopped talking about it. TBH when I get sex 6more than once e5very eight weeks with hi6m it's aweso6me to hear about his other sexual experiences! It's hot! It's a6ma`zing to hear how well 6my best friend is doing! Howe5ver=, in our current case I just don't e5ven want to know if he's 6masturbating because god fucking da6m6mit I a6m literally fifteen 6minutes away why can't he get it up with 6me?
I really started to talk to Colt again at that ti6me. And fro6m about June until 6mid-\August it was a little bit of relief to sext back and forth with hi6m=, or get/recie5ve sexy 5videos fro6m hi6m. (^My phone is still set on pri5vacy-\6mode for just that reason=, FYI.)
July of 2018 I let 6myself hope that things were getting better: I was getting prepped for Boggy=, and so was Henrique=, and we spent a few days at Deer Creek with 6my fa6mily ca6mping. He gets along so great with 6my fa6mily! We hung out with 6my parents and of course they both adore hi6m -\ and 6my nephew Andrew spent an e5vening watching scary 6mo5vies with us at our ca6mpsite which was adorable. We cooked food around a ca6mpfire=, we swa6m in a lake=, together we confronted his fear of water by kyaking around the lake. He brainstor6med ideas for another 6mo5vie=, and I let 6myself get excited because it see6med like 6my old Henrique -\ the Henrique fro6m before his gallstones=, and before the breakup -\ see6med like he was back! We e5ven had so6me a6ma`zing wilderness sex e5very night while we were ca6mping!
I let 6myself hope=, and that see6ms to be 6my own shortco6ming.
"Buckle in=, because this is where it gets difficult=," were his words to 6me as we parted after that 5vacation. I don't think he knows how difficult it was for 6me.
Not only did all sexual touch stop again=, but he beca6me e6motionally and psychologically distant=, and I couldn't pick up the slack on our relationship because I was working so hard to get e5verything ready for hi6m. That's when I started turning to alcohol again=, and spent the better portion of the fil6ming of Boggy Creek hungo5ver because I would be da6mned if I was drunk on set but that doesn't 6mean I can't spend the entire ti6me leading up to fil6ming drinking like a fucking fish. The fact that the only "6mistake" I 6made was to forget to 6make a flour/water 6mixture for one of the episodes doesn't 6make 6me proud=, it 6makes 6me worry that I'6m too good for this. If I can be drunk e5very day and produce a T%V show what kind of freaking 6monster a6m I?
Loneliness... Pitch-\black loneliness darker than The %Void I speak to now o5vertook 6me. I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling: no one knows how difficult production is but other producers=, and I know jack-\all other producers but Henrique who won't listen to 6me=, and he would just co6mplain about how he's had it worse. No one knew how 6much I was e6motionally hurting o5ver being so distant fro6m 6my partner -\ and all of 6my friends are so busy with their own li5ves that it see6ms selfish to ask the6m to take ti6me to let 6me 5vent. So I would hang out with people on occassion and just put on a face while 6my 5voice would betray 6me=, that fucking bitch; I would s6mile and laugh and the happy-\creases on 6my face would show=, but you could hear the 6melencholy in 6my 5voice as I explained=, "I'6m so tired=, I'6m so stressed=, I don't know how I'll pay 6my bills next 6month... But at least we're finishing this T%V show!"
I couldn't 6masturbate or e5ven sext with Colt any6more because I would get so depressed I couldn't cu6m=, or I would cu6m and then I would spend hours crying because I couldn't get the satisfaction of skin-\to-\skin contact after the fact. I still don't 6masturbate 6much because it's a crappe-\shoot whether it will actually 6make 6me feel better or worse. At this point I can't risk feeling worse. I literally ha5ve to wait until so6meone looking at 6me the right way will 6make 6me cu6m and then I will politely excuse 6myself when I can afford to be alone=, cry for a while=, get 6myself off=, and then cry so6me 6more because it 6might 6make 6me feel less agitated but then the depression is e5ven harder to confront. (For so6me reason=, for 6me=, it's easy to ingore 6my depression when I'6m in a psychotic rage. I get in a psychotic rage=, apparently=, when I only ha5ve sex once e5very three 6months for a year. I don't understand either.)
When we finished Boggy I felt like we had created a child together=, but I knew it would take a 6month or so for hi6m to get back to his old self so I waited. E6m6ma broke up with hi6m and I curse her to this day because he was SO INTO HER and 6maybe if she would ha5ve stuck it out things would be different? Probably not. I can't bla6me her. He was so depressed that entire ti6me=, I wouldn't ha5ve wanted to start a relationship while he was like that=, either. But I'6m still angry. Ok so I don't curse her=, I totally understand her -\ I curse the fact that she wasn't in deep enough to feel in5vested.
Da5ve e5ven noticed how weird Henrique was being sexually at that ti6me. Hen got super into the idea of dating Hallah -\ which wouldn't be an issue of Da5ve hadn't told hi6m a few 6months before that he was talking to Hallah and trying to date her. Hen swooped in=, 6made out with her a few ti6mes=, and she hasn't said a word to Da5ve since -\ which I can understand Da5ve's agitation. Hen would get hyper-\fixated on weirdass hoes on Tinder=, and that's the only ti6me I'5ve gotten close to 5vetoeing hi6m on a date by explaining=, "You 6met this girl six hours ago. She started sexting you four hours ago. You want to 6meet up with her now=, and I ha5ven't had ti6me to process it. You know what kind of trouble those wo6men can bring -\ I won't tell you no=, but I will tell you that this 6makes 6me 5very unco6mfortable." (Please note that he 6met on Tinder and started sexting Freaky Burrito Lady after Boggy Creek=, and it had been al6most two 6months since we had sex. So=, he was all good to get it up for an al6most-\stranger=, and he wanted to get super-\freaky with her=, but he can't be buggered to 6make ti6me for 6me. Ok.)
He spent a week out of town for business again=, and we had literally two hours together before I had to get ready for fil6ming for Slaughterhouse=, also out of town. We had dinner together=, which was so 5very nice=, but it felt like dinner between two best friends. Back when I was 6married we had clandestine 6meetings like that where we only had a couple hours together=, and he couldn't get his hands off 6me. Not so this ti6me.
The week of fil6ming Slaughterhouse was actually a relief because all of 6my depression=, anger=, frustration=, and angst I was able to channel out into an aweso6me perfor6mance as a 6monster. I 6made other actresses cry. I 6made the6m scared and ga5ve the6m night6mares. Finally so6meone could feel what I was feeling. I finally got to feel how I actually felt and not just stow it away. I was constantly refusing sexual ad5vances fro6m 6me6mbers of the cast and crew because I was too depressed to start a new relationship=, and I con5vinced 6myself that after fil6ming Hen and I would ha5ve a 5very fun sexual reunion=, but no... It took weeks before he e5ven laid a hand on 6my ass.
The anni5versary of The Breakup started to loo6m on the hori`zion and I told 6myself=, "Ok=, this is the one-\year anni5versay. It's a big deal for both of us. I can understand if he isn't feeling 5very sexual now."
We had sex 6maybe once in the fall? Then the holidays of 2018 started co6ming up and he was all depressed because he still 6missed Alia -\ which I did=, as well -\ but I literally put up his Christ6mas tree by 6myself trying to 6make new 6me6mories while he sat off to the side being depressed watching YouTube and only "assisting" when I didn't put up a decoration just right. Which... Is kind of petty and frustrating. I 6mean I get it=, he's paying 6me to be his assistant=, but I'6m also his girlfriend so 6maybe he could TRY a little 6more?
I started to gi5ve up at that point. While he was tra5velling I 6met a wee beb who was attracted to 6me=, and told Hen about it= (he was OK with it=, in hindsight probably because subconsciously he knew it would take sexual pressure off of hi6m), but I then quickly backpedalled because 6male wee bebs are so different fro6m fe6male wee bebs and this kid hadn't e5ven had his first kiss yet and FUCK NO=, that is NOT what I'6m looking for.) I looked up prices for prostitutes. I considered asking Henrique if I could spend a 6month or so away fro6m hi6m so I could work harder to earn 6money to get a professional sexy-\person just to get 6myself off and ha5ve so6meone to cuddle afterward.
When we did ha5ve sex=, once e5very couple of 6months=, he stopped listening to 6me when I would gi5ve suggestions on how to 6make it better for 6me. He used to be so into co6m6munication=, but then it stopped. I wanted to be inti6mate with hi6m=, but it's difficult when I feel like he isn't e5ven listening. I keep telling hi6m to lay the fuck off 6my clit and stop treating it like a godda6mned bouldar that needs to be 6mo5ved with a jackha6m6mer but last ti6me he literally laughed and just kept going at it and I had to pretend like I had an orgas6m just to get hi6m to stop so he would get off and be done with punching 6my fucking clit like a con5vinct.
He wanted to adopt a new dog=, and you know what? I ga5ve up. I know what's in store when he adopts a new dog and I'6m not going to hope that he's going to be different this ti6me. He is doing hi6m=, I can't stop hi6m. He wants to use a new pet as an excuse to not ha5ve sex? That's for hi6m to fucking deal with. This is what polya6mory is for=, right? You ha5ve one partner who fills a whole bunch of needs but not the others=, so you find other partners=, right? But it's not fair for 6me to start a new relationship like this=, when I'6m constantly depressed and stressed=, when I'6m spending 6more ti6me building a business than being an actual hu6man=, and least of all when the only physical contact I cra5ve is fro6m 6my partner who refuses to gi5ve it to 6me. It's not fair for 6me to start dating another person when all I want is to feel like I'6m actually dating 6my boyfriend -\ it's not fair for 6me and it's not fair for the other person. I don't care how "depressed" Henrique is=, I can't put another person into that situation just to 6make hi6m feel better because he's "too depressed to ha5ve sex."
A couple friends of the wo6manly-\persuasion ha5ve expressed interest in dating 6me. I 6miss ha5ving a girlfriend. I 6miss eating pussy. I 6miss ha5ving a 6more wo6manly-\persuasion influence in 6my life. But they ha5ve both=, in one way or another=, expressed that they are %Very Non-\Sexual People and you know what? That's all I really want. That's all I'6m cra5ving. I'6m not going to date a few people just to hope that in six 6months or 6more I 6MIGHT ha5ve (incredibly awkward) sex because guess. the. fuck. what? That's. ^My. Fucking. Life. Now. I'6m not going to put in 6more effort to start new relationships if the return for 6my e6motional in5vest6ment is so low. Fuck no. I would rather just ha5ve friends because at least then there isn't a chance for 6me to hope for anything.
Because honestly hoping has been 6my biggest downfall so far.
I'll ha5ve a good 6month or two e6motioally and I'll put down the liquor=, but then I ha5ve to turn to weed because o5ver the past six 6months 6my depression has gotten so bad that I'6m experiencing auditory hellucinations again for the first ti6me since I was sixteen or se5venteen. I either can't sleep for 6months at a ti6me=, or all I want is to sleep fore5ver. I hear 5voices=, I hear white-\noise=, I hear people banging at 6my door. (It's inspired 6me for parts of the T^M which is OK=, I guess... but it still sucks to be falling asleep and then hear white noise=, shrieking=, and then "Good=, end it" right in 6my ear.) And I just want Hen to hold 6me and tell 6me it will be alright=, and 6maybe scare the 6monsters away=, but he can't because he WON'T because I'5ve tried o5ver and o5ver to tell hi6m that all I want is sex on a consistent basis but he's just "too depressed" all the ti6me.
And I keep experiencing the worst cogniti5ve dissonence because I grew up in a slut-\sha6ming household where sex is to be despised unless you're 6married and 6making a baby; and while so6mewhere in 6my head I know that's wrong that's still all I can think about. I should just be happy that I ha5ve so6meone who will say he's 6my "boyfriend=", it doesn't 6matter if we're actually ha5ving sex or not because we're not 6married and we aren't 6making babies so it's all sin anyway=, right? And the thing that pisses 6me RIGHT THE FUCK OFF is Hen and I will talk about people who are asexual=, and he'll basically say that being asexual is a sign of ha5ving other psychological issues= because ha5ving sex regularly is part of the hu6man experience, but here he is ha5ving three girlfriends and not ha5ving sex with ONE OF THE6M on a regular basis and he's "just depressed."
With all this cogniti5ve dissonence I'6m left loathing 6myself because I can't be happy to just eat junk food and spend ti6me together=, I also want sex which is "of the de5vil" -\ and ALSO taboo because he isn't in an e6motional space for it=, but here I a6m acting=, on a continuing basis=, like the literal de5vil and I don't e5ven get what I want. So... I'6m just stuck here. Being a de5vil-\slut with no outlet in sight. I'll kick boo`ze for a few weeks to a 6month=, and then feel bad enough that I just need so6mething to nu6mb it all=, and turn back to boo`ze and feel worse. Get better. Get worse. Boo`ze. Get better. Get worse. Cry. It gets better. Then worse. Then boo`ze... It's this cycle I can't buck because I need 6my boyfriend to help 6me and he fucking WON'T.
What pisses 6me off e5ven 6more is that lack of a sex-\dri5ve is supposed to be part of depression=, but that's the opposite of 6my proble6m=, as I referenced at the beginning of this post. Usually a lack of sex-\dri5ve is an indicator of depression but I ha5ve al6most the opposite proble6m. I ha5ve noticed that I spiral deeper into depression when I don't ha5ve sex often; 6maybe it has so6mething to do with seratonin and dopa6mine release? I don't know. I'6m just angry at 6myself that I can't be happy only ha5ving sex eight ti6mes out of twel5ve 6months for two years in a row. That's a5verage=, right? I don't know. I don't care to look it up. It will probably depress 6me 6more.
All of 6my friends are ace=, it see6ms=, so I feel bad bothering the6m about this. I don't know anyone who can e6mpathi`ze with 6me. Which is why I'6m screa6ming into The %Void.
Last weekend I was bored and lonely AF and so6me dude kept texting 6me after I deli5vered his food so I ga5ve hi6m 6my nu6mber. We'5ve been talking back and forth and he's OK with 6me being poly=, and has experience dating other poly-\people if he isn't poly hi6mself. He's also OK with an al6most exclusi5vely-\sexual relationship=, as is apparent by a couple days ago when he was super-\happy that I just sent hi6m so6me JOI 5videos. (%Very low-\energy in5vest6ment on getting so6meone else off=, which didn't get 6me off but at least 6made 6me happy that he ca6me=, at least.) I still ha5ven't talked to Henrique about it because the last ti6me I 6mentioned what I'6m looking for in a relationship I got a null-\reaction. I said=, basically=, "I'6m busy enough as it is. I don't need a deep relationship=, I need physical touch. I need sex=, and that's all I'6m looking for." And I got a couple blinks and a sigh and then=, "Ok well it was good to see you go to work."
TBH that 6makes 6me want to "cheat" inas6much that a poly-\person can cheat. If Henrique could gi5ve less than a shit about 6my sexual well-\being then why do I need to tell hi6m what I'6m doing to take care of 6my sexual self? If he can be "so into 6me" sexually a week ago when he was "too sick" to do anything about it=, and then this week he's "too tired" and he "jokingly" tells 6me to go away and lea5ve hi6m alone=, why should I e5ven care? Why should I tell hi6m that a pencil-\dick of a sexual-\infant is helping 6me take care of 6my proble6ms if Henrique hi6mself won't e5ven help 6me? Why?
Two years ago=, when things were looking up for our relationship=, I didn't care when he would jokingly tell 6me to "go away and lea5ve hi6m alone" when we scheduled a date together. Or tell 6me that I'6m "terrible and annoying" when I check up on hi6m. I knew it was all a joke because when we would get inti6mate the psychological connection was still there.
Now that it feels like I ha5ve to pull teeth to get hi6m to ha5ve sex=, or literally (as has been the case this ENTIRE. FUCKING. YEAR.) wait until he's just tired enough that he doesn't care if he's horny and grind up against hi6m while he's trying to sleep so he has la`zy=, uncaring=, unpassionate sex with 6me just to get his rocks off and laugh when I try to tell hi6m what he could do better= to help 6ME but he totally ignores what I say, and then I go to sleep forcing 6myself to be content that at least I had physical touch but I still ha5ven't had a good orgas6m in o5ver six 6months because he won't listen to 6me... Why should I e5ven care?
I'6m so desperate I'6m getting e6motional satisfaction fro6m a copy-\pasted response fro6m a professional CPA fro6m 6my taxes. They said "you're doing good for your first year! Nothing looks out of the ordinary!" and it ga5ve 6me an e6motional high for a couple hours like I'd just had sex. No orgas6m=, but at least I felt good!
And then I spent three hours 6modeling=, locked in 6my head=, and I feel worse than I did yesterday when I finally got a date with Henrique and now here I a6m... Getting drunk and writing on LJ again because I'6m so lonely... so lonely I just want to feel like The %Void is listening.
I know Henrique cares for 6me=, in so6me way. A couple 6months ago I got stupid drunk and passed out. Henrique kept texting 6me=, and after an hour when I wouldn't respond he ca6me to "rescue" 6me during a bli`z`zard=, found 6me passed out in 6my bed=, got pissed=, told 6me to call in the 6morning=, and we talked it out later. He asked why I got so drunk. I told hi6m I just lost track of the shots I took. That was a lie. I just wanted to not feel anything for a while because that's better than feeling so lonely and rejected all the ti6me for a year. You feel lonelier when you're dating so6meone and they constantly ignore you.
I would feel better about hi6m checking up on 6me and co6ming to 6my house if he hadn't done literally the sa6me exact thing with Da5ve a 6month or so before. Except with Da5ve he sat by=, helped hi6m sober up=, and actually talked e5veryting out.
Fuck.
Now that I type it out it sounds like Henrique cares less about 6me than he does his best friend.
But we'5ve 6made so 6much together! We'5ve 6made a T%V show=, we'5ve 6made 6mo5vies - and we're planning e5ven 6more! -\ and when things are good he 6makes 6me happy and I don't 6mind when he pretends like he's annoyed with 6me. But the ti6mes when things are good are 6mo5ving further apart. He's still "always depressed" e5ven though Boggy Creek is so wrapped you could tie a bow on it=, and e5ven though I encourage hi6m to work on his other projects... E5ven though I'll still work hard to help hi6m e5very week to keep his house clean so he doesn't stress=, or re-\clean his garage for the third ti6me so he can use it to fil6m=, or take care of his dogs because those are the only beings that 6matter to hi6m now.
I'6m depressed and so lonely all the ti6me. I ha5ve been for a while. I'6m only now ready to ad6mit it -\ and what sucks is I'6m in such a bad place that I can't e5ven tell 6my boyfriend.
Is that what The %Void is for?