The Madness, my best account of it. (about: knowledge and learning)
To say: "It could be worse," is to say nothing at all. What am I missing here? Because something of relative 'worseness' is hypothetically possible in your life, your current predicament suddenly loses the character of what it is
( Read more... )
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Knowledge and progress, school and works, are sacred to me. [..] I'm in school to stretch my mind to the fullest extents of what I study.
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but the lines you've made explode and disappear in a flash of pixelated light, and you have nothing that endures.
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WHY AM I HERE, IN SCHOOL, [....] some fancy numbers on a report card that are supposed to indicate success when really, nothing is left after a few days.
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It's funny how in this post, I see worries/doubts/questions that are cousins of anxieties that I have.
I want to do something I love, I want to BE the someone that I would love to be. Just as (to use the cliched phrase) just as an eagle just needs to be it's eagle-ness in order to be happy, I want to be what's right for /me/.
` But I worry if I'll be able to do it.. . I would /love/ to be a teacher, I would /love/ to experience the joy of being in musical learning, I would love to be a father, etc. But will I be able to, considering my weaknesses?
The way you described your experience of reading / taking notes / etc, it sounds MADDENING. Maddening to have built a house and take some landmarks and *anchored* yourself someplace in the landscape of the concepts, only to have found yourself lost again. Like a sieve.
I don't experience this sieve-like expeirence, but my own depression (or whatever the hell it is) is a little bit like a cousin to it, perhaps? At any rate, I myself know what it's like to experience such DIFFICULTY in being able to read my textbooks or concentrate/focus enough to do my schoolwork, etc. For me, it's not so much maddening as it is something that makes me feel heaps of blame -- like I'm lazy or I'm to blame for my barely passing my courses, etc.. . But at the same time, I wish people would understand that it's not entirely under my control!.
Kevin, it's funny how people who are artistic or are above average intelligence or who otherwise think differently... also suffer from mental disorders. A few people have been surprised when I tell them that I suffer from depression. "But you come across as so excitable and vivacious!" they'll say.
` Who knew that reading a text / taking notes / etc for you is not as straightforward as one might think. (and how ironic, given how much you downright enjoy this kind of learning.. .)
My depression not being under control enough in me -- yes, it really does make me worry, make me fear, that I'm .. spinning my wheels. Like nothing is "sticking" (enduring) enough. That I'm not /growing/.
Again, this sounds like a cousin (but correct me if I'm wrong) to what it sounds like when you talk about ... about how connecting knowledge and understanding is wonderful and things line up -- but then the next day, what's left, really? My own depression totally makes it hard for me to remember past weeks, like things aren't "sticking" in me. I wonder if your getting lost in the woods might be a similar thing?
Well, Kevin, this lj-comment was a whole lot of not-of-much-consequence -babble, nothing much except for me wanting to extend a bit of friendliness out to you and to listen to my compulsion that said "You enjoyed his post! Say Hi in a comment, do it Dave, do it!"
hey, Kev, you write amazingly,
anyone who knows you will know that you're brilliant,
and I hope you find a way to enjoy your love of learning somehow. It'd be presumptuous of me to think that it is or isn't easy enough for you to deal with this maddening complication in your neurological processes and to deal with these niggling doubts of "am i fit for this path of learning?", but I nevertheless still hope you stumble upon a way to do the learning-for-the-sake-of-learning that you enjoy so much.. 'cause, well, that's /you/ Kevin, right? You deserve a shot at being YOU!
Again, just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and I like your writing, Kevin!
-- Dave
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