The Madness, my best account of it. (about: knowledge and learning)
To say: "It could be worse," is to say nothing at all. What am I missing here? Because something of relative 'worseness' is hypothetically possible in your life, your current predicament suddenly loses the character of what it is?
Does the fish that narrowly escapes the fisherman, feel any less pain from the hook in its mouth?
We are creatures of expectations, aren't we? We evaluate the quality of our lives based on what could - and perhaps MUST - be better, given where we are and what is possible.
Knowledge and progress, school and works, are sacred to me. (among other things, if you were going to say: "school's not everything.") I'm in school to stretch my mind to the fullest extents of what I study. No, not to satisfy an ASIAN family complex or to work my way up. TO LEARN.
The doctor(s) aren't quite sure what I'm capable of, given how my brain works. Nothing is black and white, the degree to which EFFORT will override ABILITY, is totally unclear.
Sometimes, knowledge and understanding come together with such clarity, like lines of tetris. And it's a rush - of accomplishment and a sense of motion.
But, like in our favorite puzzle game, all that's left behind are meaningless numbers as record of your brief success. Perhaps you top off the high-scores list... but the lines you've made explode and disappear in a flash of pixelated light, and you have nothing that endures.
I've had my share of high scores, a good feeling. But knowledge and understanding is fleeting - WHY AM I HERE, IN SCHOOL, when everything I build in my mind EXPLODES, with some fancy numbers on a report card that are supposed to indicate success when really, nothing is left after a few days.
I'm the king of bad analogies, I know. But what's there to say other than what occurs to you?
I have a disconnectivity disorder - a problem with retrieving information; a file cabinet without folders, a stack of records without covers. 2% of the population has this - most of which were premature at birth. The two sides of my brain are like unequally trained figure skaters - one is actually average, as it should be. The other, excels tremendously, and pushes its hapless partner into difficult routines. Invariably, both will fall, and the routine fails.
Learning, it goes like this: (reading a text, sitting in a lecture...anything)
It always starts, with a straight and linear road...observing landmarks on the way, just being so aware of where I am, how I got here - and foreseeably, what's next. This road makes clear and indelible impressions on my mind. so clear.
Hold on to that feeling! Then I get to the end of the road, suddenly my bearings feel lost, and I can't remember what I saw, what this road is called, or where it is.
TURN AROUND, and see that the road I travelled, has split like vines, snaking its way over and into everything. Crossing borders it shouldn't, forming incomprehensible intersections with other roads that DON'T belong together.
Take a deep breath, read it again, go back to the beginning of the concepts, find a landmark, work what the pieces you learned through to their logical conclusions. What is this chapter about, what was I talking myself through just moments ago when it made sense? Just GO BACK TO WHAT YOU KNOW.
And this is where it starts. This is honestly, where the MADNESS starts.
My head spins around a handful of images. Words, some vague associations... clawing and tearing through this forest of disparate information trying to find the BEGINNING. There are no landmarks in this forest - the trees are indistinguishable! I KNOW IT'S THERE. I know there is a HOUSE in here somewhere in these woods, because I BUILT it, myself, for hours a day. SO WHERE IS IT, AND WHERE DID MY FLIPPING MAP GO?!
If I wanted to expend EFFORT without MOTION, I'd go run on a treadmill. If I wanted to build rows upon rows of infor-fucking-mation, only to watch it slip away with only a number to show for it, I'd play some bloody Tetris.
Am I cut out for this?! Is this life of intellectual pursuits I always imagined, unsuitable for me? Maybe I should just get off the treadmill, I've never felt such unsteadiness in my legs.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I get soooo mad these days, I can't be right around people until I feel right with myself. Too self-aware of what's wrong...the most pressing issues of my entire life. Some people can switch off, enjoy their time with the outside world. Some avoid the kind of deep and merciless introspection that I feel is (...because it has ALWAYS been) NECESSARY to understand what the fuck is going on.
"Don't give up," I know. I would only be giving up on something I never had. Maybe better to give up the illusion of progress than to waste these years reaching for some lofty goals that aren't right for me.
Does the fish that narrowly escapes the fisherman, feel any less pain from the hook in its mouth?
We are creatures of expectations, aren't we? We evaluate the quality of our lives based on what could - and perhaps MUST - be better, given where we are and what is possible.
Knowledge and progress, school and works, are sacred to me. (among other things, if you were going to say: "school's not everything.") I'm in school to stretch my mind to the fullest extents of what I study. No, not to satisfy an ASIAN family complex or to work my way up. TO LEARN.
The doctor(s) aren't quite sure what I'm capable of, given how my brain works. Nothing is black and white, the degree to which EFFORT will override ABILITY, is totally unclear.
Sometimes, knowledge and understanding come together with such clarity, like lines of tetris. And it's a rush - of accomplishment and a sense of motion.
But, like in our favorite puzzle game, all that's left behind are meaningless numbers as record of your brief success. Perhaps you top off the high-scores list... but the lines you've made explode and disappear in a flash of pixelated light, and you have nothing that endures.
I've had my share of high scores, a good feeling. But knowledge and understanding is fleeting - WHY AM I HERE, IN SCHOOL, when everything I build in my mind EXPLODES, with some fancy numbers on a report card that are supposed to indicate success when really, nothing is left after a few days.
I'm the king of bad analogies, I know. But what's there to say other than what occurs to you?
I have a disconnectivity disorder - a problem with retrieving information; a file cabinet without folders, a stack of records without covers. 2% of the population has this - most of which were premature at birth. The two sides of my brain are like unequally trained figure skaters - one is actually average, as it should be. The other, excels tremendously, and pushes its hapless partner into difficult routines. Invariably, both will fall, and the routine fails.
Learning, it goes like this: (reading a text, sitting in a lecture...anything)
It always starts, with a straight and linear road...observing landmarks on the way, just being so aware of where I am, how I got here - and foreseeably, what's next. This road makes clear and indelible impressions on my mind. so clear.
Hold on to that feeling! Then I get to the end of the road, suddenly my bearings feel lost, and I can't remember what I saw, what this road is called, or where it is.
TURN AROUND, and see that the road I travelled, has split like vines, snaking its way over and into everything. Crossing borders it shouldn't, forming incomprehensible intersections with other roads that DON'T belong together.
Take a deep breath, read it again, go back to the beginning of the concepts, find a landmark, work what the pieces you learned through to their logical conclusions. What is this chapter about, what was I talking myself through just moments ago when it made sense? Just GO BACK TO WHAT YOU KNOW.
And this is where it starts. This is honestly, where the MADNESS starts.
My head spins around a handful of images. Words, some vague associations... clawing and tearing through this forest of disparate information trying to find the BEGINNING. There are no landmarks in this forest - the trees are indistinguishable! I KNOW IT'S THERE. I know there is a HOUSE in here somewhere in these woods, because I BUILT it, myself, for hours a day. SO WHERE IS IT, AND WHERE DID MY FLIPPING MAP GO?!
If I wanted to expend EFFORT without MOTION, I'd go run on a treadmill. If I wanted to build rows upon rows of infor-fucking-mation, only to watch it slip away with only a number to show for it, I'd play some bloody Tetris.
Am I cut out for this?! Is this life of intellectual pursuits I always imagined, unsuitable for me? Maybe I should just get off the treadmill, I've never felt such unsteadiness in my legs.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I get soooo mad these days, I can't be right around people until I feel right with myself. Too self-aware of what's wrong...the most pressing issues of my entire life. Some people can switch off, enjoy their time with the outside world. Some avoid the kind of deep and merciless introspection that I feel is (...because it has ALWAYS been) NECESSARY to understand what the fuck is going on.
"Don't give up," I know. I would only be giving up on something I never had. Maybe better to give up the illusion of progress than to waste these years reaching for some lofty goals that aren't right for me.