(no subject)
Hi, I haven't written in a long time. This was all stream of consciousness, editing would simply be wrong. Just indulge me, if you don't mind.
Routine and discipline, balance, everything in moderation. Our favorite maxims! I decided to give them another shot, in earnest.
As much as I appreciate the feeling that my life is in order, I've never felt closer to losing my mind. I hate the straight lines, my mind looks for anything it can to break the confines of this nice and responsible mold.
Left unchecked, my mind has a serious penchant for the neurotic - driven by a motor, I see flashes of every ounce of self doubt I have ever had. They are so persistent, creeping into my head all bloody day, between pages of my politics texts, while I work out, play an instrument. I wish I were in fact being melodramatic about this stuff... because then it wouldn't be quite so real, and at the very least, under my control.
Alas, I was never one to embellish or indulge myself in my emotions.
The mind can be so fracking persuasive; the irony of being brainwashed by your own thoughts and obsessions! Haha, it kills me. Without any compelling evidence to the contrary, all of my introspection turns - like clockwork - to the most self-punishing thoughts ever. STOP.
Generic fortune cookie advice is usually dispensed here: call a friend! think of the good things! do something else! it's all in the mind! etc.
But I'm a smart guy - I know this. I know the logics and the "illogics" of my state of mind. I know that most thoughts are of our own design, many of which we can - and should - ignore.
Change the track, switch lanes, get off the treadmill...I know.
But my MIND doesn't SWITCH - it has an answer to everything, a new image of failure or embarrassment or futility to replace the one you just banished. It's like a FLIPBOOK gone wrong, the intensity of my mind... I need sequence, order, but the pictures are moving too fast. What I do see, I don't like.
Nothing is more infuriating than the disjunct between your sober conclusions and your impulsive mind.
Logic and obsession are born in completely different places. I need the first to tame the second, but they speak different languages. Maybe this is how it starts - the gradual decline into straight up neuroses.
I've had "a grip", for as long as I can remember - a subconscious thing. Isn't it always?
Maybe that's why I'm so convinced I'm losing it. Or maybe, getting diagnosed with brain deficits that explain 1000+ instances all the way back to Kindergarten... maybe this puts me in a funk. Such a premium I always put on performance, intelligence, knowledge...essay and exam marks. This is your salvation from people who make fun of you.
I can't think of a shakier house of cards.
Jesus god, where are the brakes on this thing? I don't need a GPS to guide the way or an air conditioner to make it more comfortable. Just the brakes, for fuck's sake.
Routine and discipline, balance, everything in moderation. Our favorite maxims! I decided to give them another shot, in earnest.
As much as I appreciate the feeling that my life is in order, I've never felt closer to losing my mind. I hate the straight lines, my mind looks for anything it can to break the confines of this nice and responsible mold.
Left unchecked, my mind has a serious penchant for the neurotic - driven by a motor, I see flashes of every ounce of self doubt I have ever had. They are so persistent, creeping into my head all bloody day, between pages of my politics texts, while I work out, play an instrument. I wish I were in fact being melodramatic about this stuff... because then it wouldn't be quite so real, and at the very least, under my control.
Alas, I was never one to embellish or indulge myself in my emotions.
The mind can be so fracking persuasive; the irony of being brainwashed by your own thoughts and obsessions! Haha, it kills me. Without any compelling evidence to the contrary, all of my introspection turns - like clockwork - to the most self-punishing thoughts ever. STOP.
Generic fortune cookie advice is usually dispensed here: call a friend! think of the good things! do something else! it's all in the mind! etc.
But I'm a smart guy - I know this. I know the logics and the "illogics" of my state of mind. I know that most thoughts are of our own design, many of which we can - and should - ignore.
Change the track, switch lanes, get off the treadmill...I know.
But my MIND doesn't SWITCH - it has an answer to everything, a new image of failure or embarrassment or futility to replace the one you just banished. It's like a FLIPBOOK gone wrong, the intensity of my mind... I need sequence, order, but the pictures are moving too fast. What I do see, I don't like.
Nothing is more infuriating than the disjunct between your sober conclusions and your impulsive mind.
Logic and obsession are born in completely different places. I need the first to tame the second, but they speak different languages. Maybe this is how it starts - the gradual decline into straight up neuroses.
I've had "a grip", for as long as I can remember - a subconscious thing. Isn't it always?
Maybe that's why I'm so convinced I'm losing it. Or maybe, getting diagnosed with brain deficits that explain 1000+ instances all the way back to Kindergarten... maybe this puts me in a funk. Such a premium I always put on performance, intelligence, knowledge...essay and exam marks. This is your salvation from people who make fun of you.
I can't think of a shakier house of cards.
Jesus god, where are the brakes on this thing? I don't need a GPS to guide the way or an air conditioner to make it more comfortable. Just the brakes, for fuck's sake.