Just wanted someone to listen.
Just wanted someone to listen. I honestly don't know how things got to the point where I don't have real "friends?". I think it commenced when I started to withdraw during the homeless thing, and other's started to pullback. Wasn't necessarily the best thing, but I don't have any grudges. When I first "re-connected" with Art Teacher, he literally admitted that didn't think I was going to make it through the ordeal. I sort of need to call him, or someone and make a coffee date. I need a hug, but despite that fact, I get a lot of anxious. Afraid that I'll feel somewhat more alone, if that's possible.
I've been going out a lot more lately. The first few weeks was to meet people; be social. But when I didn't make new friends, I've just gone out to see how drunk I can get. Well, I also like the idea of dancing, and not necessarily dancing alone (in my boy briefs at home.) At first it was kind of fun, but now it's just lame and kind of lonely.
The same thing with school. The first few weeks the conversation in the teacher's lounge was so invigorating. But slowly, I realized once again, I don't fit in. Mr. Richart has basically been leeching of my lessons, and ideas for the past few months, and while he appears gracious, that front only last as long as it takes for him to get what he wants. I'm tired of being "let's go get a drink, guys" guy. Tired of making photo copies for my Pimetell, or almost inviting myself to their lunches. Even "Coach Roy" who is both gay and black has managed to snub me. In regards to the fact that we swapped numbers to meet out for drinks, but the only time I see him out is when I run into him randomly and he is with his other friends. Last time, I didn't even want to say anything to him (but I did). It's just like, gee thanks for thinking about me.
The evidence would appear that NYC people just don't know how to build "real" friendships, but the Alice-Dustin snubs prove contrary. Both occasions make me feel as if I should ask myself "am I really that bad?" I keep letting DH back into my apt/life because he's someone. Even if he tries to just completely overdo everything, and makes things miserable. This past weekend he texted me "don't come home". To my own apartment. Whatever. But that circle will eventually come back around.
Moving on, a lot of what I'm feeling today is based on this completely inane conversation I had yesterday. While I'm not top of the class at history, I can definitely throw down. World politics, geo-political situations, and paradigms too. Applying global concepts to current and past cultures/societies, and a little bit of theory, and we got us a nice little argument. In the conversation that I had with Carlo, and Colleen I just kept feeling completely pretentious. They were making the most radical, and astounding generalizations, that quite frankly boarded on offensive. I actually lost my train of thought when they argued that Hannukah only recently became more celebrated due to the recent more commercialization of Christmas. I loved hearing them become experts of aviation. While I am not an expert the FAA, I do know that it is a statistical fact that a person is safer flying than driving. I also know that JFK Jr had a flying license. I also know that the Yankees player that lost control of his plane, also died with his instructor. Their contrary argument was something along the lines of discussing 16 year old kids with learner permits who sneak off in cars without their parents consent. Apples, and avocados.
Anyway, they basically tried to bully their way through the conversation, and almost made me question my intelligence, and right now, it's one of the few things I have left. More, and more it seems that I keep having these sort of conversations with people talking out of their ass. A good argument either needs a rationalization or a highly irrational claim, and then the proper support to back up said claim. It is not grossly hyperbolized facts, modified by opinion. For years, I have tried to keep a balance of sorts, in regards to mental exercises and physical ones. I've tried reading the NYT, BBC, Perez Hilton, Billboard, and catch some sort of nightly news. In today's over televised world, with the amount of access to information that I have, it would be a shame to waste it.
But what's the point of having so many ideas, and thoughts in your head, if they never are going to come out. I stopped posting writing on FB, because it's just stupid. Some days I don't even want to try to finish some unworked things, because I have no one to share with. I feel arkward when I'm journaling on the subway. Even more out of place reading a comic book, and weird just standing there. It was kind of odd, because apparently I missed the Harry Potter sensation here in NY. Never got to discuss the ending.
All this is just eating me up, inside and out. I haven't gone seriously lifting in weeks, because I would rather be skinny, and quite possibly seen as an intellectual person. The sad thing is, yes I have been extremely promiscious lately, and it's such a pathetic thing. Just like the girl who wants someone to like her, so she has sex with him. And being a "fuck-toy" is sort of the only way I have interactions. Worst of all, I've done things, and contorted into positions that aren't even remotely enjoyable to me.
Sometimes, it gets so cold inside my heart, from not having a hand, or a friend to interact with to warm with, that I worry that I may actually crumble into pieces.
I've been going out a lot more lately. The first few weeks was to meet people; be social. But when I didn't make new friends, I've just gone out to see how drunk I can get. Well, I also like the idea of dancing, and not necessarily dancing alone (in my boy briefs at home.) At first it was kind of fun, but now it's just lame and kind of lonely.
The same thing with school. The first few weeks the conversation in the teacher's lounge was so invigorating. But slowly, I realized once again, I don't fit in. Mr. Richart has basically been leeching of my lessons, and ideas for the past few months, and while he appears gracious, that front only last as long as it takes for him to get what he wants. I'm tired of being "let's go get a drink, guys" guy. Tired of making photo copies for my Pimetell, or almost inviting myself to their lunches. Even "Coach Roy" who is both gay and black has managed to snub me. In regards to the fact that we swapped numbers to meet out for drinks, but the only time I see him out is when I run into him randomly and he is with his other friends. Last time, I didn't even want to say anything to him (but I did). It's just like, gee thanks for thinking about me.
The evidence would appear that NYC people just don't know how to build "real" friendships, but the Alice-Dustin snubs prove contrary. Both occasions make me feel as if I should ask myself "am I really that bad?" I keep letting DH back into my apt/life because he's someone. Even if he tries to just completely overdo everything, and makes things miserable. This past weekend he texted me "don't come home". To my own apartment. Whatever. But that circle will eventually come back around.
Moving on, a lot of what I'm feeling today is based on this completely inane conversation I had yesterday. While I'm not top of the class at history, I can definitely throw down. World politics, geo-political situations, and paradigms too. Applying global concepts to current and past cultures/societies, and a little bit of theory, and we got us a nice little argument. In the conversation that I had with Carlo, and Colleen I just kept feeling completely pretentious. They were making the most radical, and astounding generalizations, that quite frankly boarded on offensive. I actually lost my train of thought when they argued that Hannukah only recently became more celebrated due to the recent more commercialization of Christmas. I loved hearing them become experts of aviation. While I am not an expert the FAA, I do know that it is a statistical fact that a person is safer flying than driving. I also know that JFK Jr had a flying license. I also know that the Yankees player that lost control of his plane, also died with his instructor. Their contrary argument was something along the lines of discussing 16 year old kids with learner permits who sneak off in cars without their parents consent. Apples, and avocados.
Anyway, they basically tried to bully their way through the conversation, and almost made me question my intelligence, and right now, it's one of the few things I have left. More, and more it seems that I keep having these sort of conversations with people talking out of their ass. A good argument either needs a rationalization or a highly irrational claim, and then the proper support to back up said claim. It is not grossly hyperbolized facts, modified by opinion. For years, I have tried to keep a balance of sorts, in regards to mental exercises and physical ones. I've tried reading the NYT, BBC, Perez Hilton, Billboard, and catch some sort of nightly news. In today's over televised world, with the amount of access to information that I have, it would be a shame to waste it.
But what's the point of having so many ideas, and thoughts in your head, if they never are going to come out. I stopped posting writing on FB, because it's just stupid. Some days I don't even want to try to finish some unworked things, because I have no one to share with. I feel arkward when I'm journaling on the subway. Even more out of place reading a comic book, and weird just standing there. It was kind of odd, because apparently I missed the Harry Potter sensation here in NY. Never got to discuss the ending.
All this is just eating me up, inside and out. I haven't gone seriously lifting in weeks, because I would rather be skinny, and quite possibly seen as an intellectual person. The sad thing is, yes I have been extremely promiscious lately, and it's such a pathetic thing. Just like the girl who wants someone to like her, so she has sex with him. And being a "fuck-toy" is sort of the only way I have interactions. Worst of all, I've done things, and contorted into positions that aren't even remotely enjoyable to me.
Sometimes, it gets so cold inside my heart, from not having a hand, or a friend to interact with to warm with, that I worry that I may actually crumble into pieces.