The Maui Chronicles II
Last Christmas was horrific. Last year, the events in my life had me so terrified that I stared in front of a computer and cried because I had been afraid it could be worse. Yet, that wasn't the worst of it.
X-mas eve, I spent strapped down sedated (because I was delirious.) I had attempted to walk from Newark to Hoboken. Which I did, but then I panicked. And then I was beat by police guys. For fun, it seems. Apparently, I gathered enough strenght to shatter the cuffs, and power squatted 5 guys off of me. But I don't remember. I just recall wanting to die. Seeing everyone's face. My moms, Heather's, Stepha, Toyas.
I recall that my aunt went to church, and grocery shopping before coming to check me out. I recall thinking, I want this to be over.
I am in Maui (Hawaii) and I am thinking....2008? I'm a bit worried. Honestly, 2007 was so shitty, that as long as I don't die, 2008 can easily top it. In 2007, I've been beat up, date rape, a drug addict, evicted, jobless, homeless, sick, scared, worried about the sins of my family, and just utterly hopeless.
"I'm looking back and wondering why, it's taking so long to look back, and realize, nothing has changed all these years....
I don't want to wait another minute, put me out my misery, no you wouldnt have to lie to me, if you would only let me know....Something that I already."
-Backstreet Boys
I wish Art Teacher would let go, or not faux return my affections. Because it keeps feeling undone, and all it would take is for him to tell me that I'm not enough, because I could eventually get over it. But it could be the way I actually hear his beat when I close my eyes and listen. It sounds like the quiet air of an empty apartment. It sounds like lonely dying. Even after all the lies, and daggers he's given me, I would take it. The funny thing is he refers to me as the drama queen, but last year was drama, and a lot of it came from thinking I had people (or a person) that I could depend on (besides me) and not.
This year I learned to not depend on anyone except me, and that what goes around doesn't necessarily come around in my case, and to just deal. I recall a few nights in the shelter when I was pretty fucking scared, and thinking, after this, nothing will be as frightening. I recall staring down slumlord breaking through my door, and thinking to myself "no one is going to fuck this over except for yourself".
I don't know. Im just a bit sad that I have another X-mas that isn't about love. At least on my end.
X-mas eve, I spent strapped down sedated (because I was delirious.) I had attempted to walk from Newark to Hoboken. Which I did, but then I panicked. And then I was beat by police guys. For fun, it seems. Apparently, I gathered enough strenght to shatter the cuffs, and power squatted 5 guys off of me. But I don't remember. I just recall wanting to die. Seeing everyone's face. My moms, Heather's, Stepha, Toyas.
I recall that my aunt went to church, and grocery shopping before coming to check me out. I recall thinking, I want this to be over.
I am in Maui (Hawaii) and I am thinking....2008? I'm a bit worried. Honestly, 2007 was so shitty, that as long as I don't die, 2008 can easily top it. In 2007, I've been beat up, date rape, a drug addict, evicted, jobless, homeless, sick, scared, worried about the sins of my family, and just utterly hopeless.
"I'm looking back and wondering why, it's taking so long to look back, and realize, nothing has changed all these years....
I don't want to wait another minute, put me out my misery, no you wouldnt have to lie to me, if you would only let me know....Something that I already."
-Backstreet Boys
I wish Art Teacher would let go, or not faux return my affections. Because it keeps feeling undone, and all it would take is for him to tell me that I'm not enough, because I could eventually get over it. But it could be the way I actually hear his beat when I close my eyes and listen. It sounds like the quiet air of an empty apartment. It sounds like lonely dying. Even after all the lies, and daggers he's given me, I would take it. The funny thing is he refers to me as the drama queen, but last year was drama, and a lot of it came from thinking I had people (or a person) that I could depend on (besides me) and not.
This year I learned to not depend on anyone except me, and that what goes around doesn't necessarily come around in my case, and to just deal. I recall a few nights in the shelter when I was pretty fucking scared, and thinking, after this, nothing will be as frightening. I recall staring down slumlord breaking through my door, and thinking to myself "no one is going to fuck this over except for yourself".
I don't know. Im just a bit sad that I have another X-mas that isn't about love. At least on my end.