inSANE
Is how I feel right now. Ok, not true. I have calmed down some, but I still have my moments where I want to start chewing on the furniture and lash out at the world.
Here's why:
I've decided not to put most of this under a cut because I just want to rant about this as freely as possible. So, I met a guy. Isn't that the start of so many problems? I met this guy who was my barista several times a week at the Starbucks next to my (now former) workplace. He was cute and I'd sort of flirt with him, but I was never to heavy about it since I didn't think it would go anywhere. When I got let go from my job, I decided to let him know that I wasn't going to be around for much longer and see what happened. What happened was that he asked me out on a date that very day.
Ok, so I'm going to pause here, because that last statement is very important. He asked me out. On a date. A real date. I, being 23 years old, have never been asked out on a date before. I've had guy friends mistakenly fall in love with me (they are the ones who generally want a mother to watch over them rather than a girlfriend, so I don't count them), but I've never been asked out on a date before. I've certainly never had my eye on someone who has had their eye on me back. It was a very surreal moment for me, but I was happy because I was beginning to think I'd die before going through that whole courtship ritual thing.
So, back to the date. We ended up going out the following day and spent most of the time walking through various parks (gotta love New York), only stopping once for a couple of drinks. That day, I received my very first kiss. It was the perfect romance movie kiss, in f-ing Strawberry Fields and everything. The whole event was followed up with the fireflies coming out (it was dusk, after all) and it was so romantic you could probably puke. All in all, it was a wonderful date and I couldn't wait to see him again.
Except he was going back to Boston for the 4th of July holiday and I was going to have to wait until he got back. I sent him a text message during the time he was there and never got a response. Having never gone through this before, I was freaking out. I know nothing about courtships, so I wasn't sure if this silence was normal or not. The following week, I wait until Thursday (when I usually see him), but he wasn't at Starbucks. So I decide to call him. We ended up going on another date that day. It was also very nice and ended with some nice kissing, like before. I had suggested going on another date the following week and he agreed. So, the following week, we went to the Frick Collection to look at some paintings and the we walked through the park and then went to get some Thai food.
Here's where it gets sticky. He was unusually quiet during the meal and it was only halfway through eating that he decides we need to "verbalize some things." He then proceeds to lay out, in dissertation format, the concerns he has about our dating. Imagine my confusion. I mean, we'd only been dating for three weeks. It turns out that since he's a bit older (he's 28) and has had more relationship experience than me, that he's afraid that he will have a power advantage over me and he doesn't want that. All this I manage to figure out after 45 minutes of him talking in circles. So, finally I ask the crucial question (well, technically I asked him already, but he wouldn't answer before), "Does this mean you don't want to go out with me anymore?" His response is basically, "I feel I shouldn't be the one to date you." Well, you can imagine how I felt. Unfortunately, I couldn't control my emotions and I broke down a bit. Thus began the conversation of how I'm so cool and awesome and how he doesn't understand how I've never dated before. Which, you know, makes me feel so much better to know that this guy thinks I'm so cool, but apparently not enough to date. Whatever. Word of advice, never try to tell the person you're dumping how great they are. It doesn't help. After a while, we end up parting relatively amicably and promise to try being friends. We'll see how well that works out. Now, most of my friends hate him without ever meeting him and I'm pretty sure if I pointed him out to this one National Guard soldier in Grand Central, the soldier would shoot him. But who knows?
What makes this whole thing even more insane is the fact that it happened the day before my 4-day cruise to Canada. I needed to cry it out and get as much of it out of my system so I don't bring down my friends. And I had an amazing time. I ate until I couldn't stuff another slice of pizza in my mouth, I danced until I dropped, I toured scenic St. John, New Brunswick, I laughed myself sick and I got a tan! Amazing trip! (I'll post pics later.) And now I'm back home...and all the things I tried not to think about are creeping back. It's not that I really miss him and the aggravation of wondering why he hasn't called (which should have been my first clue) has blissfully dissipated. I really do feel a lot better. What bothers me, though, is the reason for his breaking up with me. Yes, I'm not experienced, I still live at home (which, given my unemployed status, I'm eternally grateful for), and I have a lot of catching up to do in many areas. But I always figured that, in the long run, it doesn't really matter and all that stuff will come in time. But now he has me doubting that theory. And yes, my friends have been trying to beat some sense into me (I see you, red_maven) and I get what they are saying, but I still have that little niggling worry in the back of my head. And I hate feeling so insecure. I haven't felt like this since high school.
Wow, first losing my job and now this. It's been a crappy month.
Here's why:
I've decided not to put most of this under a cut because I just want to rant about this as freely as possible. So, I met a guy. Isn't that the start of so many problems? I met this guy who was my barista several times a week at the Starbucks next to my (now former) workplace. He was cute and I'd sort of flirt with him, but I was never to heavy about it since I didn't think it would go anywhere. When I got let go from my job, I decided to let him know that I wasn't going to be around for much longer and see what happened. What happened was that he asked me out on a date that very day.
Ok, so I'm going to pause here, because that last statement is very important. He asked me out. On a date. A real date. I, being 23 years old, have never been asked out on a date before. I've had guy friends mistakenly fall in love with me (they are the ones who generally want a mother to watch over them rather than a girlfriend, so I don't count them), but I've never been asked out on a date before. I've certainly never had my eye on someone who has had their eye on me back. It was a very surreal moment for me, but I was happy because I was beginning to think I'd die before going through that whole courtship ritual thing.
So, back to the date. We ended up going out the following day and spent most of the time walking through various parks (gotta love New York), only stopping once for a couple of drinks. That day, I received my very first kiss. It was the perfect romance movie kiss, in f-ing Strawberry Fields and everything. The whole event was followed up with the fireflies coming out (it was dusk, after all) and it was so romantic you could probably puke. All in all, it was a wonderful date and I couldn't wait to see him again.
Except he was going back to Boston for the 4th of July holiday and I was going to have to wait until he got back. I sent him a text message during the time he was there and never got a response. Having never gone through this before, I was freaking out. I know nothing about courtships, so I wasn't sure if this silence was normal or not. The following week, I wait until Thursday (when I usually see him), but he wasn't at Starbucks. So I decide to call him. We ended up going on another date that day. It was also very nice and ended with some nice kissing, like before. I had suggested going on another date the following week and he agreed. So, the following week, we went to the Frick Collection to look at some paintings and the we walked through the park and then went to get some Thai food.
Here's where it gets sticky. He was unusually quiet during the meal and it was only halfway through eating that he decides we need to "verbalize some things." He then proceeds to lay out, in dissertation format, the concerns he has about our dating. Imagine my confusion. I mean, we'd only been dating for three weeks. It turns out that since he's a bit older (he's 28) and has had more relationship experience than me, that he's afraid that he will have a power advantage over me and he doesn't want that. All this I manage to figure out after 45 minutes of him talking in circles. So, finally I ask the crucial question (well, technically I asked him already, but he wouldn't answer before), "Does this mean you don't want to go out with me anymore?" His response is basically, "I feel I shouldn't be the one to date you." Well, you can imagine how I felt. Unfortunately, I couldn't control my emotions and I broke down a bit. Thus began the conversation of how I'm so cool and awesome and how he doesn't understand how I've never dated before. Which, you know, makes me feel so much better to know that this guy thinks I'm so cool, but apparently not enough to date. Whatever. Word of advice, never try to tell the person you're dumping how great they are. It doesn't help. After a while, we end up parting relatively amicably and promise to try being friends. We'll see how well that works out. Now, most of my friends hate him without ever meeting him and I'm pretty sure if I pointed him out to this one National Guard soldier in Grand Central, the soldier would shoot him. But who knows?
What makes this whole thing even more insane is the fact that it happened the day before my 4-day cruise to Canada. I needed to cry it out and get as much of it out of my system so I don't bring down my friends. And I had an amazing time. I ate until I couldn't stuff another slice of pizza in my mouth, I danced until I dropped, I toured scenic St. John, New Brunswick, I laughed myself sick and I got a tan! Amazing trip! (I'll post pics later.) And now I'm back home...and all the things I tried not to think about are creeping back. It's not that I really miss him and the aggravation of wondering why he hasn't called (which should have been my first clue) has blissfully dissipated. I really do feel a lot better. What bothers me, though, is the reason for his breaking up with me. Yes, I'm not experienced, I still live at home (which, given my unemployed status, I'm eternally grateful for), and I have a lot of catching up to do in many areas. But I always figured that, in the long run, it doesn't really matter and all that stuff will come in time. But now he has me doubting that theory. And yes, my friends have been trying to beat some sense into me (I see you, red_maven) and I get what they are saying, but I still have that little niggling worry in the back of my head. And I hate feeling so insecure. I haven't felt like this since high school.
Wow, first losing my job and now this. It's been a crappy month.