The CVS diaries - Entry One
for those of you that don't know already, i'm working at a cvs, the one across the river by target. being a drug store, we have lots of women coming in buying tampons and pads and whatnot. doesn't bother me any, its something they need and i'd be an asshole if ranted about that. but sometimes you'll get a woman that comes up with something a little less... pleasant. CVS stocks a wide array of douches, mostly produced by the discretely (aka sneakily) named 'summers eve' company. seriously, there's like a dozen different flavors of the things. not just the traditional vinegar and water, there's like medicated, ultra medicated, spring fresh, raspberry vanilla or some shit... the one of those i find most disturbing is the "spring fresh"... its seems unnatural to me to make your vagina smell like it does outside. people aren't supposed to make outside smells. and then there's even more unsettling things... like the combination douche and enema kit i stocked today. i don't have a vagina, but i figure i wouldn't want to stick something in there that i had just crammed up my ass yesterday. the back side of the package has an exploded view of everthing thats in it. it includes a hook, whose purpose is not clear to me. i hope its not for anal/vaginal use... if you have something stuck in one of those orifices that you need to hook onto and yank out like you're fucking fishing, you should probably go to a hospital. the package also implies you can use it ass a hot water bottle. that just sounds brilliant: "i just used this to shoot liquid up my ass, now i'm going to sleep with it" oh, you know those listerine breath strip things? did you know they make them for vaginas, too? listerine doesn't make them, i can't remember the company's name, but the package has a picture of a woman's face in profile, holding up one of these 3 inch square... things... like its totally badass. it would look more in place if she was holding a spy camera or something. what i find really hillarious is that the package says "you'll never have to spray or douche again!" yeah, you're not spraying or douching, but you're still cramming and oddly shaped object up your vagina. i mean, its not well designed for insertion like a tampon is, its pretty much a square of saran wrap. there's also deoderant vaginal suppositories, which have the hillaious claim of being "long-lasting," which makes me wonder if the deodorizing effect is long lasting, or if you're going to have a dissintegraing horse pill stuck in yoru cooch for twelve hours. the msot disgusting one of all is monostat, which sports the subtitle "vaginal anti-fungal". that means yeast infection is just a bullshit euphemism. commericals for it shouldn't start out with "are you tired of your yeast infection," it should start out "are you sick of the mushrooms sprouting in your vag?" "yeast infection" is a commie bullshit lie.
so what i'm saying is that this is all kinda icky... especially when someone comes up to the counter with one of these products, and you can't help but look at her and think about the unearthly disease stank that's coming out of crotch and choke back the vomit rising in your throat. i have come up with a solution to that's similar to the security caps we have on our expensive liqour. all the products for nasty, infected vaginas will have a little black "shame card" attached, with the product's upc on it. someone who wishes to purchase a designated "shame product" will just put it in her purse, and present the "shame card" at the checkout to be scanned. once the computer system picks up the upc of a "shame product," the automated PA system that yells at you when you set off the theft scanners at the door will start yelling "shame shame shame" until it detects the person with the offensive product leaving the store. this will faciliate the speed of the shameful checkout, and discourage people with diseased, pustulent vaginas from coming to our store, and eventually we won't have to carry any shameful products. plus the idea of some huge fat woman clutching her purse to her chest and scurrying out of the store in tears amuses me. i hate fatties.
so what i'm saying is that this is all kinda icky... especially when someone comes up to the counter with one of these products, and you can't help but look at her and think about the unearthly disease stank that's coming out of crotch and choke back the vomit rising in your throat. i have come up with a solution to that's similar to the security caps we have on our expensive liqour. all the products for nasty, infected vaginas will have a little black "shame card" attached, with the product's upc on it. someone who wishes to purchase a designated "shame product" will just put it in her purse, and present the "shame card" at the checkout to be scanned. once the computer system picks up the upc of a "shame product," the automated PA system that yells at you when you set off the theft scanners at the door will start yelling "shame shame shame" until it detects the person with the offensive product leaving the store. this will faciliate the speed of the shameful checkout, and discourage people with diseased, pustulent vaginas from coming to our store, and eventually we won't have to carry any shameful products. plus the idea of some huge fat woman clutching her purse to her chest and scurrying out of the store in tears amuses me. i hate fatties.