a hate mantra, a spiritual killing
So... I don't know. This is rough. I hate this part. When you're just... waiting for time to pass, so it gets easier. And I try so so so hard to look totally unaffected when I see his friends or I talk to him on the phone. And then I break down the first chance I get. I dunno. This all just seems so stupid. I talked to him today. I woke up and just missed him so bad. And I was talking to this guy who wants to hang out with me this weekend. And it just made me miss Ryan more. Because he's completely opposite of Ryan. And I'm not ready to be away from him, without him. I'm not ready to do things that aren't like the things I did with him. I want to go muddin and get drunk by the fire and sit in the parking lot, and I refuse to think about the fact that he will have a new girl sitting in the middle, keeping him safe, and watching out for him (hopefully). I know it sounds childish. But I had SO much fun with him, just doing random things, going places, meeting people. He was so... not boring! I really wanted it to work out with him. I loved him more than I ever loved anyone, I would have married him at the drop of a hat if he loved me like I needed him to. It was just too perfect at the beginning. I should have known. Stupid to think that at 18 I found "the one." But I really did. And I stuck it out for as long as I could, holding hope that he really was the one, and we really would make it. And I just already hate whoever it is he will date next. I hate the thought of him kissing another girl, holding her, saying intimate things.... ugh. I just hate it hate it hate it. And I WISH so badly that he was at home, longing for me the way I long for him, crying at the thought of me with someone new, wondering why he did the things he did, and where it went wrong, and how he could have fixed it. But he's not. He's not even thinking of me period. But in any case... this Josh guy seems really sweet. And I've heard he's a great guy. But I'm far from ready to be in a relationship. But we're going to hang out on Thursday. He thinks I'm cute, and I have a nice smile. hah. So, yes, I'm excited to see him. But I'm scared to be close to someone again. No I take that back... I'm terrified. Especially someone with completely opposite interests. Agh... I'm trying so hard.
But in other news, my new job is going great. I have 31 hours this week! Plus about 12 hours at my old job ah! So that's 270 for this week at the new job. That means that my check I'll get 2 weeks from now will be 500 dollars before taxes. I can't even frickin imagine that. But I can't wait to see it! I can pay off one whole freakin credit card bill with that, so I'm definitely pumped about that. And I still gotta get that god damn money that Ryan owes me. I suppose I'll never see that. But in any case, I hope I get a crazy amount of hours in the summer because I really really need the money. I mean it would be really sweet if I could either pay off my car or get a decent amount of savings set up for myself. Or pay off my car and then start saving. Whatever way, it'll be really nice. To just get some bills off my back. Seriously. Agh.
But in other news, my new job is going great. I have 31 hours this week! Plus about 12 hours at my old job ah! So that's 270 for this week at the new job. That means that my check I'll get 2 weeks from now will be 500 dollars before taxes. I can't even frickin imagine that. But I can't wait to see it! I can pay off one whole freakin credit card bill with that, so I'm definitely pumped about that. And I still gotta get that god damn money that Ryan owes me. I suppose I'll never see that. But in any case, I hope I get a crazy amount of hours in the summer because I really really need the money. I mean it would be really sweet if I could either pay off my car or get a decent amount of savings set up for myself. Or pay off my car and then start saving. Whatever way, it'll be really nice. To just get some bills off my back. Seriously. Agh.