More thoughts about yesterday...
After alot of thought and sitting aroundn in tears and just complete emotional distress, as this is turning out to not just be the worse holiday season of my life, its turning out to be one of the hardest times period. Since my birthday I have been able to count the number of people that hang out with me and probably still consider me a friend on one hand. I can substract one from that apparently, as one more person has decided to follow the rest of the pack in this new religion of dislike Jeff or something.
At least I take asking to stay away, as if I was some sort of rapest and child molester and your a young childs parent, or that I cause alot of harm and do alot of mean things to someone (which I dont recall ever doing anything but exhibited kindness and trying to cheer up or help this person in anyway possible, and cant even fathom why such a dislike for me has developed over the course of a few months that we have hardly seen each other, as meaning that they dont want to be friends. I can only recall favors, from going to the store volunteeringly to buy toilet paper, soda, other food items, alot of the time on me, to helping get errands done and get places, to doing dishes (which granted were partly used by my friends and allison, and the favor which was shown to the Gambol company during that time was significant and I was trying to show my gratitude as best I could, so did some cleaning and a gift).
This apparently is my christmas present, without discussion, without ever having brought up any issues one might have as so that they might be discussed and cleared up, to be understood to be most likely misunderstandings or miscommunications as you would do out of respect for someone you called a friend for so long, a courtesy before writing them off like garbage, I have stumbled upon a thought that I would like to divulge upon anyone who still might read my livejournal. That just last week we were discussing birthday party/new years eve plans, and talking about others things to do like good friends, and showing no sign until now of such complete disgust for me as if I was a vile virus that is bad for you. I did nothing bad that im aware off, i did nothing personally to him that I am aware of, I dont give him shit or call him names or do anything but try and be a good friend, ask him if their is anything I can do, tell him if he ever needs anything I am there, and always been willing to drop anything to come help him if he was in need (which has happened twice since thanksgiving, once the day after, then with the errands). Bring over CDs to borrow, Movies that I got to keep, Snacks and Food, Drink (both kinds), Come over and help with the computer, Drop by work to help out there as a favor (and was willing to build 2 computers that was asked of me, but was waiting to talk more about it). Not get mad when my money was spent, because an effort was made behind my back to get it instead of it being paid back to me, despite it being loaned by me personally. I cant even after many many hours of tears and thinking how I was anything but a good friend, to him and to everyone else who has decided that I am not worth there time.
Does no one see that I live my life to do good for others and to make people happy. Like me and miller said we would call a company, People Pleaser Productions. That I have put everything on the line, and given up so much time and other resourcecs to try and be there for friends. That I cant even recall a single time when their was some big arguement I was in with any of them in which names were called and regrettable things were said. That I have cant think of anything I have ever done cruel to any of my friends, something to hurt them or effect them negative in some way. That I can remember thousands of times I have offered to help in whatever way I can. That I have offered to be there if someone needed someone to talk to. Yet here I am, despite months of working hard to change to be even a better person, to get my life back in order despite my illness working against me. That I have given up so many things to do this and to try and help improve the lives of my friends through trying to make Gambol to be successful legitimate business so that we can focus on freeing up our lives for more important things instead of slaving away at low paying jobs just to be miserable. To do the Gambol thing without anyones help, except the occational help from Petey or Meghan.
Enough for this post, I really started this post to talk about something else, but thats for next post.
At least I take asking to stay away, as if I was some sort of rapest and child molester and your a young childs parent, or that I cause alot of harm and do alot of mean things to someone (which I dont recall ever doing anything but exhibited kindness and trying to cheer up or help this person in anyway possible, and cant even fathom why such a dislike for me has developed over the course of a few months that we have hardly seen each other, as meaning that they dont want to be friends. I can only recall favors, from going to the store volunteeringly to buy toilet paper, soda, other food items, alot of the time on me, to helping get errands done and get places, to doing dishes (which granted were partly used by my friends and allison, and the favor which was shown to the Gambol company during that time was significant and I was trying to show my gratitude as best I could, so did some cleaning and a gift).
This apparently is my christmas present, without discussion, without ever having brought up any issues one might have as so that they might be discussed and cleared up, to be understood to be most likely misunderstandings or miscommunications as you would do out of respect for someone you called a friend for so long, a courtesy before writing them off like garbage, I have stumbled upon a thought that I would like to divulge upon anyone who still might read my livejournal. That just last week we were discussing birthday party/new years eve plans, and talking about others things to do like good friends, and showing no sign until now of such complete disgust for me as if I was a vile virus that is bad for you. I did nothing bad that im aware off, i did nothing personally to him that I am aware of, I dont give him shit or call him names or do anything but try and be a good friend, ask him if their is anything I can do, tell him if he ever needs anything I am there, and always been willing to drop anything to come help him if he was in need (which has happened twice since thanksgiving, once the day after, then with the errands). Bring over CDs to borrow, Movies that I got to keep, Snacks and Food, Drink (both kinds), Come over and help with the computer, Drop by work to help out there as a favor (and was willing to build 2 computers that was asked of me, but was waiting to talk more about it). Not get mad when my money was spent, because an effort was made behind my back to get it instead of it being paid back to me, despite it being loaned by me personally. I cant even after many many hours of tears and thinking how I was anything but a good friend, to him and to everyone else who has decided that I am not worth there time.
Does no one see that I live my life to do good for others and to make people happy. Like me and miller said we would call a company, People Pleaser Productions. That I have put everything on the line, and given up so much time and other resourcecs to try and be there for friends. That I cant even recall a single time when their was some big arguement I was in with any of them in which names were called and regrettable things were said. That I have cant think of anything I have ever done cruel to any of my friends, something to hurt them or effect them negative in some way. That I can remember thousands of times I have offered to help in whatever way I can. That I have offered to be there if someone needed someone to talk to. Yet here I am, despite months of working hard to change to be even a better person, to get my life back in order despite my illness working against me. That I have given up so many things to do this and to try and help improve the lives of my friends through trying to make Gambol to be successful legitimate business so that we can focus on freeing up our lives for more important things instead of slaving away at low paying jobs just to be miserable. To do the Gambol thing without anyones help, except the occational help from Petey or Meghan.
Enough for this post, I really started this post to talk about something else, but thats for next post.