I Need An Unbiased Third Party To Smell My Milk
See that's what literatis like myself call a "hook".
Here's the story: because of La Katrina, my house and therefore my primary refridgeration device were, like Nicholas II, unjustly robbed of power. Unlike Nicholas II however, my house got power back 24 hours later. I think Nicholas II got stoned to death or something. Talk about LOL. Anyway, the point is everything in my fridge went bad, including and especially the milk. Now, probably none of you know this since I like to maintain a certain air of mystery about my day-to-day life, but I love milk. LOVE IT. I can go through a gallon in a couple days if I watch myself, though believe me I would be perfectly content to chug the whole damn thing in seconds if they weren't so expensive. $4 for milk, ridikkulus. But back to the point, I accompany my matriarch to the local supermercado to stock up on cold goods, foremostly a gallon jug of MacArthur 2% Reduced Fat Milk AKA the good stuff. Needless to say after a prolonged period without milk I'm ready to dive right into that thing. However, I am wary of buying milk that may have just endured the same power outage as my own recently soured milk, a concern I related to my dear mother that was merely brushed aside like fallen leaves or Lifehouse. But I am no fool, and upon returning to my abode with my calcium-fortified quarry, I unscrew the cap, lower my nose towards the opening, and take a quick whiff.
Holy shit it smelt bad. Holy fucking shit.
Now I am not now nor have I ever professed to being anything of an Expert Milk Smeller by any stretch of the imagination, but I can tell when somethin' ain't right, and if there was a Milk Smellers Convention at the convention center (where else lol) tomorrow and I went there and told them this horror story I'd have grown men in tears. In tears, I tell you. Probably get some chicks, too. Like a war hero. But they'd be fatties and I don't roll like that.
But back to the story, where where we left off I was in mid-disgust over the horrid stench emanating from my beloved milk. I finished my disgust which gave way to disappointment which led nicely into anger and then found its way back to disgust after I took a quick double-check smell just to be sure I wasn't mistaken. I wasn't. I blamed myself, although not entirely because I can't get mad at myself. Just look at that punim. But seriously who the hell buys milk hours after a prolonged power outage? Stupids, that's who. Big stupids.
Now I have lied down and rolled over a lot in my life, mainly for delicious treats, but I'm a man god dammit, a man who loves his milk, and I was not (fuck I just realized this story switches tenses right in the god damn middle, this is gonna annoy the fuck out of me now) about to let this injustice go unrectified (lol rectum) (damn near killed 'im lol). So I march right back into that grocery store and demand my money back as well as some god damn fresh milk. In spirit, of course. In reality I sent my mom the next day, which is today, but I was still pissed. So my mother returns with new milk, this time a quart (dammit), and says that the dude said that they got a fresh shipment of milk in the morning so this should be fine. Still a little wary, I am unwilling to drink it without first taking a cursory sniff, trying to play it safe but really expecting nothing but that sweet sweet milky smell of milk.
FUCKING SHIT. It smells, if possible, worse than the last one. I retch and writhe on the kitchen floor like a writhing retchaholic. I immediately suspect that this milk is also bad, but then it hits me like the reflection of a Post-It note in the bathroom mirror.
I have no idea what the fuck milk smells like. I really don't. I can't remember the last time I smelled a jug of certifiably fresh milk and thus really have no reference point to weigh possibly bad milk against. This milk could be the best milk in the world for all I know, but I can't find out. I refuse to drink it, my mother doesn't drink milk (WTF psycho), and my sister only drinks milk occasionally and by occasionally I mean right after I've just drank some so she can take the opportunity to bitch at me about how I'm drinking all the milk even though when I conscientiously leave her some because I'm a nice guy it just sits there for days. Anyway, point being: I don't know if this milk is good or bad and have no way to find out. That's why I need an unbiased third party to smell my milk.
Here's the story: because of La Katrina, my house and therefore my primary refridgeration device were, like Nicholas II, unjustly robbed of power. Unlike Nicholas II however, my house got power back 24 hours later. I think Nicholas II got stoned to death or something. Talk about LOL. Anyway, the point is everything in my fridge went bad, including and especially the milk. Now, probably none of you know this since I like to maintain a certain air of mystery about my day-to-day life, but I love milk. LOVE IT. I can go through a gallon in a couple days if I watch myself, though believe me I would be perfectly content to chug the whole damn thing in seconds if they weren't so expensive. $4 for milk, ridikkulus. But back to the point, I accompany my matriarch to the local supermercado to stock up on cold goods, foremostly a gallon jug of MacArthur 2% Reduced Fat Milk AKA the good stuff. Needless to say after a prolonged period without milk I'm ready to dive right into that thing. However, I am wary of buying milk that may have just endured the same power outage as my own recently soured milk, a concern I related to my dear mother that was merely brushed aside like fallen leaves or Lifehouse. But I am no fool, and upon returning to my abode with my calcium-fortified quarry, I unscrew the cap, lower my nose towards the opening, and take a quick whiff.
Holy shit it smelt bad. Holy fucking shit.
Now I am not now nor have I ever professed to being anything of an Expert Milk Smeller by any stretch of the imagination, but I can tell when somethin' ain't right, and if there was a Milk Smellers Convention at the convention center (where else lol) tomorrow and I went there and told them this horror story I'd have grown men in tears. In tears, I tell you. Probably get some chicks, too. Like a war hero. But they'd be fatties and I don't roll like that.
But back to the story, where where we left off I was in mid-disgust over the horrid stench emanating from my beloved milk. I finished my disgust which gave way to disappointment which led nicely into anger and then found its way back to disgust after I took a quick double-check smell just to be sure I wasn't mistaken. I wasn't. I blamed myself, although not entirely because I can't get mad at myself. Just look at that punim. But seriously who the hell buys milk hours after a prolonged power outage? Stupids, that's who. Big stupids.
Now I have lied down and rolled over a lot in my life, mainly for delicious treats, but I'm a man god dammit, a man who loves his milk, and I was not (fuck I just realized this story switches tenses right in the god damn middle, this is gonna annoy the fuck out of me now) about to let this injustice go unrectified (lol rectum) (damn near killed 'im lol). So I march right back into that grocery store and demand my money back as well as some god damn fresh milk. In spirit, of course. In reality I sent my mom the next day, which is today, but I was still pissed. So my mother returns with new milk, this time a quart (dammit), and says that the dude said that they got a fresh shipment of milk in the morning so this should be fine. Still a little wary, I am unwilling to drink it without first taking a cursory sniff, trying to play it safe but really expecting nothing but that sweet sweet milky smell of milk.
FUCKING SHIT. It smells, if possible, worse than the last one. I retch and writhe on the kitchen floor like a writhing retchaholic. I immediately suspect that this milk is also bad, but then it hits me like the reflection of a Post-It note in the bathroom mirror.
I have no idea what the fuck milk smells like. I really don't. I can't remember the last time I smelled a jug of certifiably fresh milk and thus really have no reference point to weigh possibly bad milk against. This milk could be the best milk in the world for all I know, but I can't find out. I refuse to drink it, my mother doesn't drink milk (WTF psycho), and my sister only drinks milk occasionally and by occasionally I mean right after I've just drank some so she can take the opportunity to bitch at me about how I'm drinking all the milk even though when I conscientiously leave her some because I'm a nice guy it just sits there for days. Anyway, point being: I don't know if this milk is good or bad and have no way to find out. That's why I need an unbiased third party to smell my milk.