bf things?
So I dunno why I am posting twice in a month. I guess I have a lot to write about. I have a sorta bf that well he's absent so that's why I call him my sorta bf. To my good friends he's known as Spanish's guy but I dunno what to do. I have been sick and he came back to take care of me. I can say that I do like him a lot more then just like but I don't want to use the love word because that means I have to commit and I'm not sure I want to. He def wants to commit he's said it many times and the times that I have given him health things he almost demands it and I'm just scared to commit.
I also had this phobia that if I did keep a partner they would die which is what has happened 4 times. I wasn't with all of them but they died all in car accidents. I guess that has something to do with the kinda history of "luck" I have. I win casino jackpots I win lotto things but when it is love or work I tend to have things crash like a deck of cards. I wish things like that didn't happen to me honestly.
I want things to be better I wouldn't mind waiting for him and that scares the crap out of me he could support me and all and I am so scared they will just die and I will have nothing like I have had so many times before. I know that this is all irrational and not everyone I know that I love as a partner will die in a horrific car crash. I know that I actually do love him more then just like him. I know that he will take care if me if I get sick again and entertain me with his philosophies endlessly and argue with me until I scream. Then he will hug me and all will be alright. I know this and I'm soo scared to commit because I don't want him to die.
There are far more occasions where I have left instead of commit to someone or have someone spring it on me. I just leave the situation and try to keep away without contact with that person until they have noticed that I want nothing to do with them again possibly for the stupid reason above. However recently I haven't had this problem it is more the opposite where they leave me.
Why am I so scared of this man that I love so much who drops everything in the sign of a crisis. Who wants to massage me when I tell him my feet hurt. Who picks me up more then hour away just to hang out. Who babies me when I am so weak I can't get up. I hate myself for it I want to tell him I will wait for him I will be here but when I'm not here and one day I will not be how can I keep that promise?
I also had this phobia that if I did keep a partner they would die which is what has happened 4 times. I wasn't with all of them but they died all in car accidents. I guess that has something to do with the kinda history of "luck" I have. I win casino jackpots I win lotto things but when it is love or work I tend to have things crash like a deck of cards. I wish things like that didn't happen to me honestly.
I want things to be better I wouldn't mind waiting for him and that scares the crap out of me he could support me and all and I am so scared they will just die and I will have nothing like I have had so many times before. I know that this is all irrational and not everyone I know that I love as a partner will die in a horrific car crash. I know that I actually do love him more then just like him. I know that he will take care if me if I get sick again and entertain me with his philosophies endlessly and argue with me until I scream. Then he will hug me and all will be alright. I know this and I'm soo scared to commit because I don't want him to die.
There are far more occasions where I have left instead of commit to someone or have someone spring it on me. I just leave the situation and try to keep away without contact with that person until they have noticed that I want nothing to do with them again possibly for the stupid reason above. However recently I haven't had this problem it is more the opposite where they leave me.
Why am I so scared of this man that I love so much who drops everything in the sign of a crisis. Who wants to massage me when I tell him my feet hurt. Who picks me up more then hour away just to hang out. Who babies me when I am so weak I can't get up. I hate myself for it I want to tell him I will wait for him I will be here but when I'm not here and one day I will not be how can I keep that promise?