A strange space, a strange place
I had not thought of the title of this post until it practically just typed itself out. Sometimes your sub-conscious needs a chance for you to let it talk.
Stephen and I had a decent-sized upsetness last night. He said a bunch of stuff that he later claimed to not mean, but just had to get out in order to feel better, like “I want a break from Ben." My pointing out to him that he just went away overnight a few weeks ago for his massage license wasn’t met with, "Oh yeah, that was a nice break," but with “I don’t want to be away from Ben as much as I want time with you that’s not focussed on him.”
Well, aren’t we having time together now? Couldn’t we be doing something more constructive with it than just whining about how it’s so rare? In fact, if it were important, we could spend time together in the evening every night after Ben goes to bed.
I guess for some reason, he was assuming that a get-away weekend was going to be some sort of tonic for our marriage, a go-directly-to-go-and-collect $200 cheat card, instead of putting in the daily work that it takes to really communicate with each other.
This all started I guess about three weeks ago when he decided that asking for sex was more trouble than it was worth and he’d just wait until I came to him. It went nicely at first, and I did come to him, but then we just got really busy. And then last night, he was like “I feel weird” because I guess he was blocking out all his emotions in order to not bug me about sex.
(If you’re thinking “Huh?” you’re not the only one.)
So for a couple weeks he kept everything inside because if he let himself feel anything he’d be feeling how hard it was to not bug me about sex. Or something. And all this has something to do with the fact that he feels like he’s in a relationship with Benjamin the emperor first and me second.
What I said to him was “Look. I know you hate nagging. I know that nagging you is the best way to get you NOT to do something ever. A gentle reminder after an insanely long amount of time will sometimes get a backlash reaction. But seriously, I think that a lot of your emotional issues are stemming from the fact that you don’t have a life outside of this house. You go to choir on Tuesdays and that’s it. On the weekends sometimes we go visit your family, but even then Benjamin is always there. I really truly believe that if you started working, you’d feel better. I know it seems counterintuitive that putting more on your plate would help you to destress, but I’m almost positive that it will. You want a date night? Fine. I’m sure you’re mom will watch Ben for a few hours. I am not willing to leave him overnight somewhere, and not only is that final, but we’ve had this conversation before and you agreed with me.”
He then said what he wanted was to know when it would be OK with me. An exact date so he could have a goal to count down to. Whenever it was that I decided Benjamin was old enough to stay at Grandma’s house was fine with him, he’d leave it completely up to me, but just tell him what that would be so he can look forward to it.
It took everything I had to calmly explain that
a) He’s a baby - not a machine. You can’t do things by "on this day he’s not mature enough, but on this day he is." Watch the baby, not the clock.
b) What the hell was the big, huge deal about leaving the baby overnight? If Stephen needs time with me, we’ll go on a date while Ben’s asleep. If he needs time away from Benjamin, I’ll watch him. If he's asleep, what does it matter if his son is sleeping in a different house or not? If he needs a middle-of-the-night break (which is ridiculous because he doesn’t hear Ben wake up and the wakings are much fewer and shorter than they used to be) then he can sleep downstairs. Or something.
But stop making it like a stupid contest! “Who do you love more, Ben or me?”
GAH! I’m not playing that fucking game.
By the time an hour had gone by and I had cried a tiny bit, he decided it wasn’t really ever about Ben in the first place ... (oh really!) and was just more about needing me to listen to his feelings of overwhelment. “And you’re wanting another baby and then we’ll be trapped all over again ...”
Ah-ha.
Thankfully, Stephen is one of those people who does a lot better once he’s figured out the root of what’s bothering him. Then it’s easier for him to talk it out or let it go.
Alas, I did not get to bed until nearly midnight. I guess that’s the price you pay for your grumpy, lonely, sex-starved husband, right?
Stephen and I had a decent-sized upsetness last night. He said a bunch of stuff that he later claimed to not mean, but just had to get out in order to feel better, like “I want a break from Ben." My pointing out to him that he just went away overnight a few weeks ago for his massage license wasn’t met with, "Oh yeah, that was a nice break," but with “I don’t want to be away from Ben as much as I want time with you that’s not focussed on him.”
Well, aren’t we having time together now? Couldn’t we be doing something more constructive with it than just whining about how it’s so rare? In fact, if it were important, we could spend time together in the evening every night after Ben goes to bed.
I guess for some reason, he was assuming that a get-away weekend was going to be some sort of tonic for our marriage, a go-directly-to-go-and-collect $200 cheat card, instead of putting in the daily work that it takes to really communicate with each other.
This all started I guess about three weeks ago when he decided that asking for sex was more trouble than it was worth and he’d just wait until I came to him. It went nicely at first, and I did come to him, but then we just got really busy. And then last night, he was like “I feel weird” because I guess he was blocking out all his emotions in order to not bug me about sex.
(If you’re thinking “Huh?” you’re not the only one.)
So for a couple weeks he kept everything inside because if he let himself feel anything he’d be feeling how hard it was to not bug me about sex. Or something. And all this has something to do with the fact that he feels like he’s in a relationship with Benjamin the emperor first and me second.
What I said to him was “Look. I know you hate nagging. I know that nagging you is the best way to get you NOT to do something ever. A gentle reminder after an insanely long amount of time will sometimes get a backlash reaction. But seriously, I think that a lot of your emotional issues are stemming from the fact that you don’t have a life outside of this house. You go to choir on Tuesdays and that’s it. On the weekends sometimes we go visit your family, but even then Benjamin is always there. I really truly believe that if you started working, you’d feel better. I know it seems counterintuitive that putting more on your plate would help you to destress, but I’m almost positive that it will. You want a date night? Fine. I’m sure you’re mom will watch Ben for a few hours. I am not willing to leave him overnight somewhere, and not only is that final, but we’ve had this conversation before and you agreed with me.”
He then said what he wanted was to know when it would be OK with me. An exact date so he could have a goal to count down to. Whenever it was that I decided Benjamin was old enough to stay at Grandma’s house was fine with him, he’d leave it completely up to me, but just tell him what that would be so he can look forward to it.
It took everything I had to calmly explain that
a) He’s a baby - not a machine. You can’t do things by "on this day he’s not mature enough, but on this day he is." Watch the baby, not the clock.
b) What the hell was the big, huge deal about leaving the baby overnight? If Stephen needs time with me, we’ll go on a date while Ben’s asleep. If he needs time away from Benjamin, I’ll watch him. If he's asleep, what does it matter if his son is sleeping in a different house or not? If he needs a middle-of-the-night break (which is ridiculous because he doesn’t hear Ben wake up and the wakings are much fewer and shorter than they used to be) then he can sleep downstairs. Or something.
But stop making it like a stupid contest! “Who do you love more, Ben or me?”
GAH! I’m not playing that fucking game.
By the time an hour had gone by and I had cried a tiny bit, he decided it wasn’t really ever about Ben in the first place ... (oh really!) and was just more about needing me to listen to his feelings of overwhelment. “And you’re wanting another baby and then we’ll be trapped all over again ...”
Ah-ha.
Thankfully, Stephen is one of those people who does a lot better once he’s figured out the root of what’s bothering him. Then it’s easier for him to talk it out or let it go.
Alas, I did not get to bed until nearly midnight. I guess that’s the price you pay for your grumpy, lonely, sex-starved husband, right?