The Anger and Insanity Dignostics Chain
We’re all affected by anger and various levels of insanity at any given point in life. However, there are progressive stages that can lead to more and more serious levels of insanity the longer they go untreated. Most of us suffer from the early stages quite frequently, but we recover fast enough that it never has the proper chance to advance to the more severe later stages. Here is a comprehensive list of the stages in the Anger and Insanity Diagnostics Chain.
Stage 1: Grumpy
This is a stage we all suffer from. If you’re human, you’ve been there. It’s a mild form of anger that can result from too little sleep or incredibly annoying people in your vicinity. Mild irritation is common, and you may be in a bad mood. You could have eaten a bad hot dog, or lost at Monopoly one too many times. This will pass with sleep or relaxation in most cases.
Stage 2: Pissed
This stage is a more severe form of Grumpy. This can be brought on by stubbing your toe on a cinder block while trying to retrieve a tax receipt that is blowing away in the sudden 45mph wind squall that hit your family reunion barbecue. This can be furthered if you happen to trip face first into a kiddie pool full of fat naked geriatrics wrestling in vanilla pudding after stubbing your toe on said cinder block. By sitting down and taking deep breaths or watching some TV for a while, you just may avoid passing on to the next stage.
Stage 3: Disgruntled
Believe it or not, most everyone has made it to this stage at least once in their lives. Even if they did their best to avoid it. The workplace is the foundation of this stage. You will feel burned out, and you will want to share the pain in any way possible with those you believe to be the cause of your pain. You will vent a lot, and you will experience many stages of pissed off. Stages 2 and 3 accompany this stage at all times, and you may teeter on the edge of Angry at any given time while Disgruntled.
Stage 4: Angry
Angry is a stage that is more often than not accompanied by any and all curse words man could have ever invented in his spare time. “Fuck” and “Shit” are the most commonly utilized expressions when you’re unlucky enough to be frolicking around in this stage. “Bitch” is also used, with “Hell” and “Damn” being used to further enhance your already colorful statements. Your face may flush and you may grit your teeth and sweat profusely. If somebody tells you an incredibly bad joke and then laughs uncontrollably at that incredibly bad joke, this may be just enough to set you off into the next stage.
Stage 5: Rage
It’s incredibly hard to recover from this stage with little to no lasting damage. In this stage, you very well my have the urge to punt a poodle into an open sewer. This can be made worse by driving in a city full of increasingly shitty drivers. Once the road rage adds its unpleasant funk to the Rage, there may be no stopping you from running into a maternity ward with a baseball bat or chasing an elderly person around with a mop. Curse words will be used just as they were in Angry. You may invent new, exciting curse words as well. “Roosterfuck” and Cornholemuncher” display a couple of premium examples.
Stage 6: Twisted
This is where Insanity starts to take over. You begin pulling pranks. Only these aren’t your simple everyday “tilt the garbage can in front of the door” pranks. These are more like “Piss in the coffee” and “Make laxative brownie” pranks. Twisted exhibits a strong desire to project your inner dementia onto others in manners that can range from annoying to slightly harmful. You begin pulling stuff on the roads that used to piss you off, just so you can piss others off and then drive away with a false sense of accomplishment. Pissing others off becomes an event you can only dream will make it into the Olympics someday, and you get a particular rush from leaving flaming bags of feces and turkey organs in hotel elevators.
Stage 7: Disturbed
You laugh at everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. This isn’t an example of those college nights where you were either high or tired and you and your friends sat around laughing at virtually nothing. This is a stage in which you could see a man be completely wasted by a slow moving street sweeper and you would fall into such hysterics that a defibrillator may be required to save you. The thought of your arch nemesis being mauled by rabid pitbulls brings a smile to your face and a warm feeling to your heart. You send people frozen cattle hearts wrapped in bacon for Valentines Day, and your idea of a vacation is getting a part time job at the local sanitarium just so you can convince the patients that Chinese spies placed homing devices in their pancakes before breakfast. You can watch “Faces of Death” and not even flinch. You may even sleep better after watching such videos. This is the stage where the prospect of therapy becomes a very wise idea.
Stage 8: Crazed
You’re beyond normal paranoia, keeping a gun by your bed everynight in case the government breaks into your house to steal your dog. Even of you don’t have a dog, you still believe the government has an agenda and they need your dog. Even if it means killing you. You get rid of every phone in your house because “They” might get through. You don’t watch TV because you believe the people on the other end can see your every move and are planning to inform Jupiter what Earth’s plans are. You wanna get a job so you can have money to escape the planet if you have to, but your inherent distrust and fear of undercover government agents prevents you from getting work anywhere. You walk around town during the day having intellectual conversations with yourself over subjects such as human body disposal. If you get bored of that, sometimes you go to the park and talk to the birds. And sometimes they reply in Portugese.
Stage 9: Batshit Loco
You think you may have seen a Leprechaun out of the corner of your eye, and he was wielding a spatula. You’re not sure though, so you check all the toilets in the house just to be absolutely safe. This happens once about every twenty or so minutes. In the meantime you’re trying to figure out why it is the carpet keeps turning different shades of crimson and why it is the washing machine in the basement is speaking in tounges. There is no time to worry too much about that though, because all the air in the house is planning to eventually attack you while you’re sleeping. Eating your waffles in the morning with suncreen spread on them is the only way to keep the sun from trying to rape you when you leave the house. You don’t go out at night, because you would rather be raped by the sun if it means the clowns wouldn’t get you with their balloons filled with goat blood. You keep an entire closet full of moisturizing eyedrops so you don’t ever have to blink. Blinking would cause you to let your guard down. The only reason you can sleep is because your bedroom is armed with motion alarms and your bed is suspended in an electrified cage you can activate from the inside.
Stage 10: Certifiably Insane
At this point all hope is lost and you’re in an insane asylum in a cozy, heavily guarded padded room. You ask that the orderlies watch your door at all times to prevent the invisible mist that only you can see from getting inside at night and eating your face. When you go to the bathroom you keep your eyes closed at all times, for gazing into the toilet for even a split second will set in motion the events that will bring about the end of all mankind. You can take solace in the fact that the sun can no longer try to rape you, but now you have to contend with the fact that the towels you use after a shower may very well make an attempt on your life. Eventually you’ll never leave your room due to your fear of the ever present invisibile mist that only you can see. You’ll eat in there, and request a room with its own bathroom is you don’t have one already. However, your food will have to be given to you in tupperware so the invisible mist that only you can see can’t contaminate it. If you can manage to keep yourself and your food safe and not bring about the apocalypse by gazing into your toilet, all you have to worry about is the invisible mist that only you can see. That is, until you discover that the floor is indeed a direct portal to Hell.
Stage 1: Grumpy
This is a stage we all suffer from. If you’re human, you’ve been there. It’s a mild form of anger that can result from too little sleep or incredibly annoying people in your vicinity. Mild irritation is common, and you may be in a bad mood. You could have eaten a bad hot dog, or lost at Monopoly one too many times. This will pass with sleep or relaxation in most cases.
Stage 2: Pissed
This stage is a more severe form of Grumpy. This can be brought on by stubbing your toe on a cinder block while trying to retrieve a tax receipt that is blowing away in the sudden 45mph wind squall that hit your family reunion barbecue. This can be furthered if you happen to trip face first into a kiddie pool full of fat naked geriatrics wrestling in vanilla pudding after stubbing your toe on said cinder block. By sitting down and taking deep breaths or watching some TV for a while, you just may avoid passing on to the next stage.
Stage 3: Disgruntled
Believe it or not, most everyone has made it to this stage at least once in their lives. Even if they did their best to avoid it. The workplace is the foundation of this stage. You will feel burned out, and you will want to share the pain in any way possible with those you believe to be the cause of your pain. You will vent a lot, and you will experience many stages of pissed off. Stages 2 and 3 accompany this stage at all times, and you may teeter on the edge of Angry at any given time while Disgruntled.
Stage 4: Angry
Angry is a stage that is more often than not accompanied by any and all curse words man could have ever invented in his spare time. “Fuck” and “Shit” are the most commonly utilized expressions when you’re unlucky enough to be frolicking around in this stage. “Bitch” is also used, with “Hell” and “Damn” being used to further enhance your already colorful statements. Your face may flush and you may grit your teeth and sweat profusely. If somebody tells you an incredibly bad joke and then laughs uncontrollably at that incredibly bad joke, this may be just enough to set you off into the next stage.
Stage 5: Rage
It’s incredibly hard to recover from this stage with little to no lasting damage. In this stage, you very well my have the urge to punt a poodle into an open sewer. This can be made worse by driving in a city full of increasingly shitty drivers. Once the road rage adds its unpleasant funk to the Rage, there may be no stopping you from running into a maternity ward with a baseball bat or chasing an elderly person around with a mop. Curse words will be used just as they were in Angry. You may invent new, exciting curse words as well. “Roosterfuck” and Cornholemuncher” display a couple of premium examples.
Stage 6: Twisted
This is where Insanity starts to take over. You begin pulling pranks. Only these aren’t your simple everyday “tilt the garbage can in front of the door” pranks. These are more like “Piss in the coffee” and “Make laxative brownie” pranks. Twisted exhibits a strong desire to project your inner dementia onto others in manners that can range from annoying to slightly harmful. You begin pulling stuff on the roads that used to piss you off, just so you can piss others off and then drive away with a false sense of accomplishment. Pissing others off becomes an event you can only dream will make it into the Olympics someday, and you get a particular rush from leaving flaming bags of feces and turkey organs in hotel elevators.
Stage 7: Disturbed
You laugh at everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. This isn’t an example of those college nights where you were either high or tired and you and your friends sat around laughing at virtually nothing. This is a stage in which you could see a man be completely wasted by a slow moving street sweeper and you would fall into such hysterics that a defibrillator may be required to save you. The thought of your arch nemesis being mauled by rabid pitbulls brings a smile to your face and a warm feeling to your heart. You send people frozen cattle hearts wrapped in bacon for Valentines Day, and your idea of a vacation is getting a part time job at the local sanitarium just so you can convince the patients that Chinese spies placed homing devices in their pancakes before breakfast. You can watch “Faces of Death” and not even flinch. You may even sleep better after watching such videos. This is the stage where the prospect of therapy becomes a very wise idea.
Stage 8: Crazed
You’re beyond normal paranoia, keeping a gun by your bed everynight in case the government breaks into your house to steal your dog. Even of you don’t have a dog, you still believe the government has an agenda and they need your dog. Even if it means killing you. You get rid of every phone in your house because “They” might get through. You don’t watch TV because you believe the people on the other end can see your every move and are planning to inform Jupiter what Earth’s plans are. You wanna get a job so you can have money to escape the planet if you have to, but your inherent distrust and fear of undercover government agents prevents you from getting work anywhere. You walk around town during the day having intellectual conversations with yourself over subjects such as human body disposal. If you get bored of that, sometimes you go to the park and talk to the birds. And sometimes they reply in Portugese.
Stage 9: Batshit Loco
You think you may have seen a Leprechaun out of the corner of your eye, and he was wielding a spatula. You’re not sure though, so you check all the toilets in the house just to be absolutely safe. This happens once about every twenty or so minutes. In the meantime you’re trying to figure out why it is the carpet keeps turning different shades of crimson and why it is the washing machine in the basement is speaking in tounges. There is no time to worry too much about that though, because all the air in the house is planning to eventually attack you while you’re sleeping. Eating your waffles in the morning with suncreen spread on them is the only way to keep the sun from trying to rape you when you leave the house. You don’t go out at night, because you would rather be raped by the sun if it means the clowns wouldn’t get you with their balloons filled with goat blood. You keep an entire closet full of moisturizing eyedrops so you don’t ever have to blink. Blinking would cause you to let your guard down. The only reason you can sleep is because your bedroom is armed with motion alarms and your bed is suspended in an electrified cage you can activate from the inside.
Stage 10: Certifiably Insane
At this point all hope is lost and you’re in an insane asylum in a cozy, heavily guarded padded room. You ask that the orderlies watch your door at all times to prevent the invisible mist that only you can see from getting inside at night and eating your face. When you go to the bathroom you keep your eyes closed at all times, for gazing into the toilet for even a split second will set in motion the events that will bring about the end of all mankind. You can take solace in the fact that the sun can no longer try to rape you, but now you have to contend with the fact that the towels you use after a shower may very well make an attempt on your life. Eventually you’ll never leave your room due to your fear of the ever present invisibile mist that only you can see. You’ll eat in there, and request a room with its own bathroom is you don’t have one already. However, your food will have to be given to you in tupperware so the invisible mist that only you can see can’t contaminate it. If you can manage to keep yourself and your food safe and not bring about the apocalypse by gazing into your toilet, all you have to worry about is the invisible mist that only you can see. That is, until you discover that the floor is indeed a direct portal to Hell.