(no subject)
As mom would say "life is so funny and strange". And she's absolutely right. Life is extremely funny, and extremely strange.
The more I think about Kyle, our relationship, the more I realize what a fool I was for ever being with him. I convinced myself that I loved him. I feel like I did at one point. I feel intense, often. But... I was in a relationship with a guy that violated my trust by invading my Myspace account, found out my activties, and then held it against me. And I apologized TO HIM? WHAT THE FUCK. I am Cecilia Fucking Laird. I don't let people treat me that way. That's just not right.
It's so unbelievably obvious how insecure and suspicious he was of me. ALL THE TIME. He would check my cell-phone text messages. He once told me that he checked out other guys to size them up. That's normal, I guess. However, what's NOT normal is that the one colusion he always came to in his mind was "well Cece would like him better than me." WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK is wrong with that picture?! SO MUCH!!
How come I was with this guy? Dating a smoker and then telling me he wants me to quit? What the fuck. (Although I'm really glad I quit. REALLY glad.) Trying to say that I am supposed to keep myself from going places or else he would get jealous.
NEWS FLASH
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FUCKING INSECURITIES FROM LISA AND YOUR DAD. I'm sorry life has been shitty to you, it's been shitty to me too. It's been shitty to a lot of people. Everyone, in fact. I'm sure everyone in this world could tell you about thier misfortune and shit luck throughout thir life. Here's the thing: EVERYONE finds out a way to deal with it... sooner or later people have to figure out how to be happy, and not angry. I'm figuring out my emotional shit. I was angry and controlling. That was a problem. But I found a way to deal with it, instead of focusing on how YOU should help it. If you don't find a way to be happy then life is not worth livin in my opinion. It's just not.
I ACTUALLY thought I was meant to be with him to HELP him. Well, that sounds so selfless, doesn't it? Sounds like I care about the guy, like I want him to be the best Kyle he could be. Thats what I thought. But what I was really doing was taking the blame for his jealousy, anger, and issues. I think Kyle is going to be an old man before he figures out that it was him all along. He may find a girl that will deal with his shit. But he wont be happy with her, because she wont be independent or think for herself. She wont be anything he wants. She'll just be a whipping boy. Someone to blame. Heck, maybe that will work for him. But if he doesn't find a person like that, maybe he'll finally realize that he pushes people away with his suspicion and mistrust.
He NEVER trusted me from the begining. If he did, it was so thin that it was broken within the first month of being together.
I guess I was with him because I was ready to fall in love. I wanted it to happen for me. I was ready for my story-book ending. I wanted something to be commited to.
Well... now I don't want that. I mean I'm sure I will once I fully recover, and have the time and energy for a full-time boyfriend... someone I can see myself with for a looooong time.
I suppose that's part of the reason I left him. However, I am clearly certain that I decided I was not ready to be committed to Kyle after I saw the prospect of England coming. I mean I would have loved to live that life, in Engand. But in honesty, I knew I wouldn't commit to Kyle if I couldn't go with him.
I guess I just saw how hard I was working for myself, and how little Kyle made me happy. I was so content being self-sufficient. I was so happy making myself happy. And I think I finally realized that Kyle wasn't a part of that. As a matter of fact, he made me angry. He made me sad, anxious and most of all, hurt.
He was completely disrespectful to me during his whole stage of anger. I suppose in his mind it was ok to yell at me on the phone and call me an idiot and talk to me disrespectfully, because what I did (see a movie with a close GAY friend?) was so morally wrong that I deserved all the anger and disrespect he had to give. And he has the fucking testicals to tell me I'm being disrespectful? What, because I'm too selfish, because I wont lock myself in my room while he was gone in England, and so by doing that I don't help his jealousy? WTF!?
Well I got news for you.
I got fucking sick and tired of his moral bullshit. Because that's exactly what it was. It was how HE SAW THE WORLD. Always about "right" and "wrong". HIS VERSION of right and wrong.
He told me I didn't get it. You know what? I'm damn glad I don't get his logic. Becase to me, (and pretty much everyone else I've talked to about it... TRYING to give a non-biased account) to me, his logic and perception of the world seems twisted, fucked-up and nightmerish. It seems so perverted and strange. It's sad. It really is, more than anything else it's sad.
I don't know what's sadder, the fact that his view of me and the world is so obviously messed up, or the fact that it took me nearly a year to realize it.
God. I was so ready to fall in love and be committed and wonderful. I guess that's what happens when you do things quickly.
Guh. Well I don't feel like doing anything quick anymore. I def feel like dating around and hanging out. Going to parties and meeting people. Guys. That's fine, whatever. But don't expect anything besides group activities... dating? I don't know. Maybe for certain people I would go on a date, but I'm not really into hanging out alone right now.
It was never my intention to hurt anybody. If I took anyone for a ride, I never meant to. If I hurt anyone's feelings, it was not intentional. I don't think what I did was selfish.
When you break up with someone, it's usually for a good reason. My reason was for my own life. Kyle was a very negative energy in my life, and it wasn't getting any better... so I lost patience. Most importantly, I realized that I shouldn't have to endure this pain and hurt from a partner before he realizes what he's doing and decides to stop.
That was it. I mean that, right there, is the core reason why I couldn't be with him. Because I couldn't wait for him to decide to stop hurting me.
And I shouldn't have to.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.
It feels good to release pent up emotion. I still have a lot of it. I mean, I would sit here ad tell myself what I did wrong, but I honestly can't see it right now. I'm so pristine angel, I pulled a lot o shitty menuviers and treated him very unfairly in certain situations. I mean the whole thing was fucked. But right now can really only see the outstanding reasons for why I ened it with him. So, why should I try to figure out what I could've done better? I'll find energy for that emotional organization on a later date.
Okay. So for a good affirmation tonight, I will manifest clarity in my decisions, laughter, fun, forgiveness, and understanding. I think the last one is needed the most in situations like these.
The more I think about Kyle, our relationship, the more I realize what a fool I was for ever being with him. I convinced myself that I loved him. I feel like I did at one point. I feel intense, often. But... I was in a relationship with a guy that violated my trust by invading my Myspace account, found out my activties, and then held it against me. And I apologized TO HIM? WHAT THE FUCK. I am Cecilia Fucking Laird. I don't let people treat me that way. That's just not right.
It's so unbelievably obvious how insecure and suspicious he was of me. ALL THE TIME. He would check my cell-phone text messages. He once told me that he checked out other guys to size them up. That's normal, I guess. However, what's NOT normal is that the one colusion he always came to in his mind was "well Cece would like him better than me." WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK is wrong with that picture?! SO MUCH!!
How come I was with this guy? Dating a smoker and then telling me he wants me to quit? What the fuck. (Although I'm really glad I quit. REALLY glad.) Trying to say that I am supposed to keep myself from going places or else he would get jealous.
NEWS FLASH
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FUCKING INSECURITIES FROM LISA AND YOUR DAD. I'm sorry life has been shitty to you, it's been shitty to me too. It's been shitty to a lot of people. Everyone, in fact. I'm sure everyone in this world could tell you about thier misfortune and shit luck throughout thir life. Here's the thing: EVERYONE finds out a way to deal with it... sooner or later people have to figure out how to be happy, and not angry. I'm figuring out my emotional shit. I was angry and controlling. That was a problem. But I found a way to deal with it, instead of focusing on how YOU should help it. If you don't find a way to be happy then life is not worth livin in my opinion. It's just not.
I ACTUALLY thought I was meant to be with him to HELP him. Well, that sounds so selfless, doesn't it? Sounds like I care about the guy, like I want him to be the best Kyle he could be. Thats what I thought. But what I was really doing was taking the blame for his jealousy, anger, and issues. I think Kyle is going to be an old man before he figures out that it was him all along. He may find a girl that will deal with his shit. But he wont be happy with her, because she wont be independent or think for herself. She wont be anything he wants. She'll just be a whipping boy. Someone to blame. Heck, maybe that will work for him. But if he doesn't find a person like that, maybe he'll finally realize that he pushes people away with his suspicion and mistrust.
He NEVER trusted me from the begining. If he did, it was so thin that it was broken within the first month of being together.
I guess I was with him because I was ready to fall in love. I wanted it to happen for me. I was ready for my story-book ending. I wanted something to be commited to.
Well... now I don't want that. I mean I'm sure I will once I fully recover, and have the time and energy for a full-time boyfriend... someone I can see myself with for a looooong time.
I suppose that's part of the reason I left him. However, I am clearly certain that I decided I was not ready to be committed to Kyle after I saw the prospect of England coming. I mean I would have loved to live that life, in Engand. But in honesty, I knew I wouldn't commit to Kyle if I couldn't go with him.
I guess I just saw how hard I was working for myself, and how little Kyle made me happy. I was so content being self-sufficient. I was so happy making myself happy. And I think I finally realized that Kyle wasn't a part of that. As a matter of fact, he made me angry. He made me sad, anxious and most of all, hurt.
He was completely disrespectful to me during his whole stage of anger. I suppose in his mind it was ok to yell at me on the phone and call me an idiot and talk to me disrespectfully, because what I did (see a movie with a close GAY friend?) was so morally wrong that I deserved all the anger and disrespect he had to give. And he has the fucking testicals to tell me I'm being disrespectful? What, because I'm too selfish, because I wont lock myself in my room while he was gone in England, and so by doing that I don't help his jealousy? WTF!?
Well I got news for you.
I got fucking sick and tired of his moral bullshit. Because that's exactly what it was. It was how HE SAW THE WORLD. Always about "right" and "wrong". HIS VERSION of right and wrong.
He told me I didn't get it. You know what? I'm damn glad I don't get his logic. Becase to me, (and pretty much everyone else I've talked to about it... TRYING to give a non-biased account) to me, his logic and perception of the world seems twisted, fucked-up and nightmerish. It seems so perverted and strange. It's sad. It really is, more than anything else it's sad.
I don't know what's sadder, the fact that his view of me and the world is so obviously messed up, or the fact that it took me nearly a year to realize it.
God. I was so ready to fall in love and be committed and wonderful. I guess that's what happens when you do things quickly.
Guh. Well I don't feel like doing anything quick anymore. I def feel like dating around and hanging out. Going to parties and meeting people. Guys. That's fine, whatever. But don't expect anything besides group activities... dating? I don't know. Maybe for certain people I would go on a date, but I'm not really into hanging out alone right now.
It was never my intention to hurt anybody. If I took anyone for a ride, I never meant to. If I hurt anyone's feelings, it was not intentional. I don't think what I did was selfish.
When you break up with someone, it's usually for a good reason. My reason was for my own life. Kyle was a very negative energy in my life, and it wasn't getting any better... so I lost patience. Most importantly, I realized that I shouldn't have to endure this pain and hurt from a partner before he realizes what he's doing and decides to stop.
That was it. I mean that, right there, is the core reason why I couldn't be with him. Because I couldn't wait for him to decide to stop hurting me.
And I shouldn't have to.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.
It feels good to release pent up emotion. I still have a lot of it. I mean, I would sit here ad tell myself what I did wrong, but I honestly can't see it right now. I'm so pristine angel, I pulled a lot o shitty menuviers and treated him very unfairly in certain situations. I mean the whole thing was fucked. But right now can really only see the outstanding reasons for why I ened it with him. So, why should I try to figure out what I could've done better? I'll find energy for that emotional organization on a later date.
Okay. So for a good affirmation tonight, I will manifest clarity in my decisions, laughter, fun, forgiveness, and understanding. I think the last one is needed the most in situations like these.