(no subject)
i'm sorry that i usually only post blah entries here. i dunno, i guess i feel this journal is here for me to spew. just to write things down when i need them. i've tried keeping normal journals for that purpose but i can never do it. i can't even keep this consistently. so sorry if you keep thinking i'm always sad. i'm not. but when i post here it is usually to get thoughts out. that being said, here we go again.
all is well and fine, i'm happy, i'm doing great. then i see my ex. after i see my ex. i get nauseous. anxious. embarrassed. awkward and just plain weird. its odd i'm feeling tears welling up right now, they aren't really becoming anything, but they could. and i only saw him for 5 minutes! (ugh) why hasn't this stopped being awkward? how am i so damn happy i but when i see him again i am hurt all over again in the back of my mind? does this mean i am not over him? i mean i have to be. i have no desire to ever date him again. and im head over heels for casey. i really wish we were able to be friends. i know its one of those things that rarely works. but i hate losing friends. no matter what the reason. hell im still hurt by losing sara every once and a while. (another thing that i am not sure why) i guess being with someone for 3 years and having that taken away will always leave a scar.
i keep telling myself that i want to hang out with him. just us. that maybe that would make things less awkward. maybe he would be more like he used to when he doesn't feel the need to act up in front of others. i dunno. why is this upsetting me? i get so angry at myself for this. ugh.
these past few days i have also been going back and forth in my mind about anxiety for school. last night i was really scared. i just...i dunno. i get nervous. i get nervous about seeing people i haven't in a long time. i guess i am afraid of change. that's got to be it. im trying to work on it, but it is hard. i know i keep saying this, but what will my friendships come to? will it be like high-school that once you graduate we loose all touch? i am hoping that doesn't happen with the ones who made wheaton bearable these past 3 years. the friends i hope to have forever. i see my parents still close to their college friends and it gives me hope. but i am still scared shitless. im so scared of being forgotten....
wheaties, make me a promise, don't loose touch. even if its not consistent, please stay in touch. even if it is a superficial "how are things going?" every once and a while, you don't know how much that means to me. i know im not a saint when it comes to that stuff, but know i am thinking of you guys a ton.
ok before i make myself even more upset or contemplative, im going to end this and try to get some sleep.
all is well and fine, i'm happy, i'm doing great. then i see my ex. after i see my ex. i get nauseous. anxious. embarrassed. awkward and just plain weird. its odd i'm feeling tears welling up right now, they aren't really becoming anything, but they could. and i only saw him for 5 minutes! (ugh) why hasn't this stopped being awkward? how am i so damn happy i but when i see him again i am hurt all over again in the back of my mind? does this mean i am not over him? i mean i have to be. i have no desire to ever date him again. and im head over heels for casey. i really wish we were able to be friends. i know its one of those things that rarely works. but i hate losing friends. no matter what the reason. hell im still hurt by losing sara every once and a while. (another thing that i am not sure why) i guess being with someone for 3 years and having that taken away will always leave a scar.
i keep telling myself that i want to hang out with him. just us. that maybe that would make things less awkward. maybe he would be more like he used to when he doesn't feel the need to act up in front of others. i dunno. why is this upsetting me? i get so angry at myself for this. ugh.
these past few days i have also been going back and forth in my mind about anxiety for school. last night i was really scared. i just...i dunno. i get nervous. i get nervous about seeing people i haven't in a long time. i guess i am afraid of change. that's got to be it. im trying to work on it, but it is hard. i know i keep saying this, but what will my friendships come to? will it be like high-school that once you graduate we loose all touch? i am hoping that doesn't happen with the ones who made wheaton bearable these past 3 years. the friends i hope to have forever. i see my parents still close to their college friends and it gives me hope. but i am still scared shitless. im so scared of being forgotten....
wheaties, make me a promise, don't loose touch. even if its not consistent, please stay in touch. even if it is a superficial "how are things going?" every once and a while, you don't know how much that means to me. i know im not a saint when it comes to that stuff, but know i am thinking of you guys a ton.
ok before i make myself even more upset or contemplative, im going to end this and try to get some sleep.