wedding life... and so much more
Do you ever wonder if your mother is proud of you? I've often wondered if my mother is proud of me. She's never said she is; though she's said many times how disappointed she is. I know in those moments of disappointment that it's not me as a person she's disappointed in, but me as a decision making child of hers. What I mean is, she's often disappointed in the decisions I make - the way I dealt with the break up of myself and my high school sweetheart; my decision to date A, move in with A, and pretty much support A's sorry @$$; my failure in graduate school; my decision to remain in North Carolina rather than come back home; my choice to have nothing to do with the family businesses; my decision to move in with Curtiss before the wedding in December; and so much more. I don't know that I can actually list the number of times I've seen the disappointment in her eyes, heard it in her voice, and then often, heard the words come out of her mouth. "I'm just so disappointed in you." It simply makes me wonder if she feels any sense of pride when looking upon me or thinking of my life at all. Is all this disappointment really all there is? Or is she simply incapable of expressing her pleasure at anything I do well?
When I look back at my life of 27 years, I can honestly say I haven't always made the best decisions. I have, however, learned from every decision I've made. I think it only natural to hope for our children to do better than we did and rise above the mistakes that we ourselves made; however, I also find it only natural for everyone to eventually make the same mistakes in life. We fall in love, and we get our hearts broken. We choose to try that drink/smoke/whatever even though we know we shouldn't. We do a little bit more with that boy/girl than we really think mom and dad would approve of. It's the way we handle such situations that make us who we are, and not the fact that we did it to begin with. I almost feel that my mother would like very much if I remained in a bubble of her choosing. She could choose my surroundings, companions, activities, etc. She could make all decisions for me. Yet, I still think that in a world of her very own creation, as a human being with free will, I'd have to find some way to rebel. Part of growing up is fighting not to become your parents, right? The boy who grows up in chaos becomes a perfectionist. The daughter who grows up beaten swears to never beat her children. And the child who grows up in a loving, nurturing environment has to find a way to rebel as well, be it alcohol, or drugs, or sex, or whatever.
I've never been what some might call a "bad child". I made straight A's in school, crying when I received my first B in biology. I ran track and cross-country, never very good but trying very hard. I was in the choir, band, drama club, and sextet. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday, leading the youth group in worship on Wednesday nights. I had my moments of rebellion - making out with a guy in the back seat, trying alcohol at a friend's house, smoking my dad's cigarettes on occasion, but all-in-all I was what one might think of as a "good kid". Or so I think. But then I hear my mother's voice, and I begin to doubt just how good of a kid I was. I think that I have always been trying to make her proud of me and never succeeding. I'm beginning to doubt if I ever will. ... and I don't know what hurts more - giving up that I ever will make her proud or knowing that I never have.
So, other news. I have been planning a wedding since January, and I'm so sick of wedding crap I could vomit! I wish we had eloped. It is, however, all starting to fall into place. I have a wedding dress, and my first alteration appointment is in October. I, of course, have the venue, caterer, baker, and photographer all chosen and deposits for such paid. I have decided on the type of favors I would like, but I've yet to actually find them.
Now, what don't I have? I don't know what on earth to buy my bridesmaids as gifts. I still have to make the invitations, but luckily 2 bridesmaids are coming over in a couple of weeks to help me with that. I don't have the menu completely picked out yet, but I'm to meet with them sometime before Thanksgiving to discuss that, I think. We still haven't given the officiant a deposit, and I'm wondering if he'll still even do it with how long we've dragged our feet on that one. (Crap! I need to talk to Curtiss about that!) The rehearsal dinner is supposed to be at our home, and we're in the middle of renovations. We've yet to finish a single room, and the wedding is at the end of December. I have no idea how we're ever going to get everything in the house done, much less how we're going to pay for all of it. The cost of a wedding and the cost of the home renovations make my head spin and cause me to want a nerve pill, which thankfully my doctor realized he shouldn't take me off of yet. I've started smoking again, which is awful and disgusting and terrible and gives me a constant sore throat; yet, at the same time, I love it and it calms me and it's fabulous and it relaxes me every time I have one.
I started a new job at the beginning of June, and so far so good. My boss is a really great guy, and I've really enjoyed everything so far. My official title is a Mathematical Analyst, but essentially I crunch numbers and analyze data for whatever project he wants me working on at the time. It's pretty freaking awesome. I work from home, and I go into the office once every 2 weeks for a "Retrospective/Envisioning Meeting". I moved out of my apartment "officially" this past weekend. I'm headed over there tomorrow to clean the place out and turn in my keys. Sometimes I can hardly believe that I'm actually moving in with my fiance and getting married in 4 months. In only 135 days I will be Mrs. Howard. I have nightmares that he doesn't show up for the wedding. Sometimes I have nightmares that he calls the whole thing off based on something stupid, like my bra in the floor or lingerie hanging over the shower curtain rod or tampons in the bathroom. Of course he's never actually had any type of reaction to anything like this in real life; yet, for some reason, the nightmares persist. It's like he'll wake up one day and realize that he's not really in love with me, because I suck. Are these normal pre-wedding thoughts? Do people fear things like the other person not showing up? or am I just crazy? Because I feel crazy these days....