(no subject)
I'm graduating from college in less than two months. And I am scared shitless. I don't remember being this nervous when I finished high school. And I don't remember the people who graduated last year, the year before or even just last semester being this freaked out. Is it just me? I thought that the anxiety would go away once I got into a graduate program. I think it may have gotten worse. A lot of it Probably all of it stems from my insecurities. I feel like a fraud, like any school that would accept me must not even be worth attending. My mom of course was more than happy to contribute to this sentiment, saying that the school is probably not even accredited. (http://www.ope.ed.gov/accreditation/InstAccrDetails.aspx?756e697469643d3134373538312663616d70757349643d30267264743d332f31382f3230313020383a34323a353320504d The Department of Education says it is. Suck it, bitch). What do all of the programs that rejected me know that this one didn't? (Probably that I bombed the GRE subject test.) And when are they going to realize what everyone else already knows: that I can't do it? Also, stereotype threat may be contributing. When I was a more hopeless social outcast, the stereotype that girls can't do math or science had little or no effect on my performance because I just wasn't perceptive enough of others' attitudes toward me to know that I "shouldn't be here". Ironically, one of the downsides of learning to communicate with people is that now I see the surprise in their faces when I tell them that I study physics. I hear the tone of slight sarcasm, maybe joking, maybe not. I consciously know that their opinion of me has absolutely no bearing on my abilities whatsoever. I subconsciously wonder if they're onto something. I am stereotype, hear me fail.
That, and with this program I will be completely starting over. New location, where I know absolutely no one, 8 hours from anything familiar. I don't know where I will live, what my classes will be like, how I will make friends, if I will even be able to function. When I started at UMass, I knew the area and a few people there. I knew I could meet even more through them. I remember feeling much more confident, like this should be a breeze compared to the long hours and endless essays of high school. Oh dear. Now I feel homesick for Amherst. It took me 14 years to find home in the Happy Valley. And now I have to leave. I know it's for the best and this can open so many new doors for me (y hallo thar, NASA! You seem to be awfully close by!), but I don't deal well with situations that lack stability. I need solid ground to stand on in order to reach for the stars. (Or look at them and run information on their fluxes through a computer, then curse until the program runs correctly.)
This really IS just UMass all over again though. The whole thing with the school that I knew was right for me not being good enough for my mom, I mean. Though she will never admit this, it worked out fine. I feel that I made the right decision and learned in ways that I never would have had I just went to one of the schools that she picked out. I am not an automaton. Hooray, not being an automaton! Still, I hate feeling like I need permission to take pride in my accomplishments.
The monetary situation is looking better than when I first got in- my assistanship got upgraded from teaching to research. It pays more and is probably going to be more interesting, but it starts during the summer, meaning I leave three months early. I may be celebrating my birthday all alone. It's happened before, but then I at least had the option of hanging out with people sometime around, if not on that day.
Ah well, should probably wrap this rant up. In the words of the great philosopher Gaynor, "I will survive" and whatnot. I've gotten through 21 years of NPD parents and a family with levels of dysfunction rivaling Arrested Development, having multiple groups of friends stab me in the back and the "Jess is a lesbian" bullshit of my middle school years, all of the craziness that PVPA entailed (awkward teenage years spent in a basement with a bunch of goffic stoners worshipping one they call "mommy". I remember a lot of writing and drama. And the musicals. OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH dear Jesus fucking Batman on a pogo stick, the musicals.....) and UMass (even more awkward young adult years spent in physics labs with much less goffic stoners and in and out of REALLY BAD RELATIONSHIPS. Maybe people will be sane in Virginia?). Bring it, grad school. Bring it. I DARE you!
That, and with this program I will be completely starting over. New location, where I know absolutely no one, 8 hours from anything familiar. I don't know where I will live, what my classes will be like, how I will make friends, if I will even be able to function. When I started at UMass, I knew the area and a few people there. I knew I could meet even more through them. I remember feeling much more confident, like this should be a breeze compared to the long hours and endless essays of high school. Oh dear. Now I feel homesick for Amherst. It took me 14 years to find home in the Happy Valley. And now I have to leave. I know it's for the best and this can open so many new doors for me (y hallo thar, NASA! You seem to be awfully close by!), but I don't deal well with situations that lack stability. I need solid ground to stand on in order to reach for the stars. (Or look at them and run information on their fluxes through a computer, then curse until the program runs correctly.)
This really IS just UMass all over again though. The whole thing with the school that I knew was right for me not being good enough for my mom, I mean. Though she will never admit this, it worked out fine. I feel that I made the right decision and learned in ways that I never would have had I just went to one of the schools that she picked out. I am not an automaton. Hooray, not being an automaton! Still, I hate feeling like I need permission to take pride in my accomplishments.
The monetary situation is looking better than when I first got in- my assistanship got upgraded from teaching to research. It pays more and is probably going to be more interesting, but it starts during the summer, meaning I leave three months early. I may be celebrating my birthday all alone. It's happened before, but then I at least had the option of hanging out with people sometime around, if not on that day.
Ah well, should probably wrap this rant up. In the words of the great philosopher Gaynor, "I will survive" and whatnot. I've gotten through 21 years of NPD parents and a family with levels of dysfunction rivaling Arrested Development, having multiple groups of friends stab me in the back and the "Jess is a lesbian" bullshit of my middle school years, all of the craziness that PVPA entailed (awkward teenage years spent in a basement with a bunch of goffic stoners worshipping one they call "mommy". I remember a lot of writing and drama. And the musicals. OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH dear Jesus fucking Batman on a pogo stick, the musicals.....) and UMass (even more awkward young adult years spent in physics labs with much less goffic stoners and in and out of REALLY BAD RELATIONSHIPS. Maybe people will be sane in Virginia?). Bring it, grad school. Bring it. I DARE you!