[Multi-Part] Part 1: Sono Toki wa
Title: Sono Toki wa
Pairing: KoyaShige
Rating: R
Word Count: 4674
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and only the words are mine.
Summary: Five years after NEWS disband, Shige releases a novel that forces Koyama and himself to face the events that broke apart their friendship.
It's been a little over five years since they've even been in the same room, but the sight of the other man still makes his heart race as much as it ever did.
“Kato-san” he greets with a small bow, and the only saving grace is that Shige looks just as flustered when he turns around.
“Koyama-san” he replies, then swallows, but it's a little belated, Koyama didn't miss the way his voice cracked on the last syllable. His voice is more collected when he continues “It's been a while...”
It's the polite thing to say, but Koyama can't help but feel a slight bitterness in those few words. He nods slightly, that's OK, he guesses he deserves that after all this time.
There's a rush of feet and then a woman's head pops around the door of the dressing room. “Kato-san, they're ready for you in make-up.”
Shige nods and thanks her, then he gets to his feet and brushes past Koyama on his way to the door. It hurts, the coldness between them, it hurts more than the time apart, hurts more than the time before that, the time when they didn't have to be. His vision blurs, and without even thinking he drops to his knees, his hand clutching the door beside him for support as he takes deep slow breaths to calm himself.
***
It's no easier twenty minutes later, after sitting down in his own dressing room with a tall glass of ice water, the sight of Shige walking towards him still leaves him breathless. He has to catch it quickly though as Shige takes his seat and the producer calls for silence and then only a minute or two later signals the ten second countdown on his hands.
Live broadcasts don't usually make him nervous, he's been doing them for years, even before he took on news-casting full time, but being here with Shige takes him back, he's a scared young boy being pranked on a silly TV show again.
He takes a deep breath, swallows and looks at the floor, concentrating only on the fingers he can see from the corner of his eye, three, two...one, and then he looks at the camera, his rehearsed introduction rolling off of his tongue as he smiles.
Then he remembers why he is here and he turns to look at his guest. “Kato-san” he greets “Firstly let me congratulate you on the release of your third novel.”
“Thank you” Shige bows.
“So...” Koyama clears his throat, looking to his prompt cards for something to say. “It's been around six years since your last novel was published, you must have been putting a lot of effort into this third one.”
Shige swallows “More than that...it's that this one was very difficult for me to write, it's something I could never have written while I was still part of Johnny's, and even afterwards, it took a lot of courage to write it.”
He glances back to his cards, he only wrote them out two hours ago, it was only three hours ago that he found out he'd be replacing his co-anchor for the interview and he'd spent the first hour desperately trying to change that.
“Indeed, already there seems to be a lot of controversy surrounding it...”
“Yes” Shige agrees politely “Homosexuality is something that you can never predict people's reactions to when it comes to the media, Koyama-san, I'm sure, is as aware of that as I am.” Koyama's eyes widen, he doesn't even know how to respond to that, but then Shige's eyebrows furrow a little and he clarifies “I was referring to your butai a few years ago.”
Koyama lets go of the breath he hadn't been aware he was holding “Oh, of course...yes” and then as the seconds of silence stretch on, he flips to his next prompt card, glad he had the forethought to write down reasonable questions to ask authors. “Kato-san, I'm sure our viewers are curious about the inspiration for this novel...”
Shige seems prepared for this one “Yes, well as with my other two novels the story is based loosely on things that I saw or heard while active in the entertainment industry, though of course molded and embellished to become something that I hope readers will find interesting and entertaining.”
It would be good to develop that question further, ask about more details, Shige is obviously prepared for them, only Koyama hasn't read the damn thing, he probably wouldn't have done even if he'd known he had to do this interview. In some strange way it would feel too intimate, reading Shige's words, wondering if they are his thoughts, his own feelings, and he refuses to let himself get that close to the other man again.
Thankfully the director holds up his hand, signalling three minutes left, enough time to start wrapping up. “Do you have any plans for a fourth novel yet?”
Shige smiles, prepared for that one too “I don't have any plans as of yet, but I won't rule out the possibility. The only thing I can say with certainty is that there won't be any further instalments of the Shibuya Saga, with this, I'm moving on from that part of my life.”
He knows Shige has already moved on, but it still hurts in some twisted way to hear it, he's a professional though, and he swallows down his feelings and smiles. “Thank you, thank you for your time today, you must be very busy with promotions still.” Shige nods, smiles, it's professional, cold, painful. “This was Koyama Keiichiro, here with Kato Shigeaki-san, author of 'Sono Toki wa' which continues to rank number one in it's third week of sales. Starting from the fifth of next month Kato-san will be heading off on a book signing tour so be sure not to miss it, details of the dates and venues can be found on our website.”
He turns to Shige, allowing him to close the interview with his own promotional statement, before the director signals him to pass back over to the main studio.
There's a round of applause as the lights go off, they're done. It wasn't exactly comfortable but he got his job done and that's enough.
He sneaks back off to his dressing room while the staff flutter around Shige, praising him for his confidence as though they've forgotten he'd been an idol for ten years. He shuts the door behind him, and flops down onto the sofa, rubbing the sweat from his face with his hands.
It was hard, talking to him like strangers, after all they'd been through together in the past, after how close they'd once been, and it almost brings him to tears with how desperately he misses those times.
There's a quiet knock on the door, and he sits up, rubbing his face again to compose himself before calling out “Come in.”
Shige is the last person he expects to see, he takes a few steps inside, leaving the door open and for a moment he seems to study Koyama before producing something from behind his back. “I was going to ask the staff to pass it on to you, but since you're here.” he explains, holding out a copy of his novel. Koyama doesn't take it. “You got the first copy of the last two, and they weren't even...” he pauses, rethinking his words “this one is important to me, and I feel like you should have the first copy of this too...”
He doesn't want it, he doesn't want anything to do with it, he can't take the pain of dredging up all those old memories, but there's something desperate, almost broken, in Shige's eyes and he feels compelled to take it. He stretches out his hand to take it, muttering a small “Thank you” and then Shige is bowing stiffly and rushing from the room.
He takes the book home with him, though only out of politeness he tells himself, and then he places it in the bottom corner of the shelf next to it's predecessors, down where he can't see them.
Days pass, but try as he might to forget about it, his eyes flick down to that corner every time he enters the room. It's distracting, and each time it happens he feels angrier, and sadder, and yet inexplicably more compelled to read it.
On his next day off, which are as few and far between as they were back then, he reluctantly takes it from the shelf, and paces the room a few times before settling on the sofa with it. He studies the cover first, his eyes catching on Shige's name and he takes a deep breath as he flicks it open. According to the serial number it is indeed the first copy, just as his other two are, and his heart gives a weak flutter as he wonders how long ago Shige got this, how long he's been holding onto it, specifically to give it to him.
He flicks to the next page and his heart thrums more noticeably, as with the other two there is a hand-written message scrawled across the first blank page. 'To Kei-chan: At that time I didn't know how to tell you, you've always been my strength, my happiness, my friend. No matter how the world changes, this will always be a lasting reminder of that.'
Tears are falling onto the page before he even knows they're there, and he slams the book closed, storming back to the shelf and shoving it back into it's place. After everything, the last thing he needs are Shige's gentle words, each one a reminder of all that he'd lost, all that he'd thrown away.
It's not until weeks later that he manages to pick the book back up again, he flips past the first few pages until he reaches the contents page, something safe, but on the the next page he finds two lines that have that lump rising up in his throat again.
Within the passing winds, I wonder why we were able to have met
If we can see the same stars now, then we'll be just fine with that
Once he actually starts reading, he can barely put the book down, Shige's writing has improved, that much is clear, and the way it is written is careful, beautiful and sincere, as though every word was thought out and picked specifically for it's purpose. It's heart-breaking.
The story itself isn't original, maybe because it starts off kind of similar to his first novel did, with two young boys joining the entertainment industry, meeting and becoming the best of friends, or maybe it's because it's true, an almost exact account of their own lives. Only there's more, thoughts and feelings of the main character, the Shige-character naturally, his feelings of fear and loneliness through school, how hard he found it to really connect with any of his peers, until a certain boy came along and changed everything.
It brings tears to his eyes to learn of the depth of Shige's feelings for him, just how important a presence he'd been in Shige's life, how much he was admired and adored. Of course it's no less than the way he'd felt about Shige too, but Shige had never been one to say it, not even, jokingly or otherwise, in magazine interviews.
It hurts, not only emotionally but physically, it makes his chest tight and his throat raw, he misses Shige, he misses everything about him, unbearably.
Shige's words have tears spilling over just as often as they have him laughing aloud as they recount the mischievous activities, some real, some invented, of those two boys as they grow up together in the agency. It warms his heart almost as much as it hurts when he remembers, and hours pass as he flicks through, page after page after page.
The strengthening of the bond between the characters is almost tangible, and he feels it just as equally when he senses the approach of it breaking. It's just like he remembers it, their manager calling them for an unscheduled meeting, the way their band-mates couldn't meet their eyes.
“We called you here because there is an important issue that we need to discuss” their manager announced.
Koyama looked around, the whole room, managers, staff, their band-mates all glum, only Shige shared his anxious expression.
“It's very sudden” the manager continued “But at the end of this month, NEWS will be disbanding.”
He couldn't even speak, his mind unable to wrap around the words, he looked to his friends for an explanation at the same time Shige beside him laughed “What?”
“We're sorry.” It was Tegoshi that spoke “Shige, Kei-chan, we're so sorry...they gave us the choice...Tegomass is doing so well recently...”
He glanced to Massu, who was sitting with his head down, sniffling as tears fell into his lap.
“You're leaving us?” Shige asked beside, getting up from his seat and leaning forward on the table.
“You know how much NEWS means to us, but they said we can't have both and...”
“We talked about it for so long” Massu chipped in, his voice heavy with the tears still rolling down his cheeks. “We don't want to leave you but we have to think about our future.”
“And we don't feature in that I see.” Shige snapped, and he kicked his chair back and paced a few time across the length of the table. Koyama was still in shock, it still hadn't sunk in properly, he hadn't realised yet exactly what it meant but his body seemed to be a few steps ahead of him and already tears were spilling over his own eyes.
“Shige...we're sorry.” Tegoshi said, almost a plea, and his resolve broke too, quiet sobs leaving his lips. “We're not doing this lightly, we've thought about it a lot, we've been discussing it with with the staff for weeks already...”
“Then it's decided?” Koyama spoke at last, his voice coming out cracked and broken. Their manager nodded silently. “What will happen to us?”
“Over the next couple of weeks we'll meet with you individually to discuss what the best course of action will be for you both.”
Reading the words, they're not the exact ones used, no mentions of band-names, and the numbers of members and reasons are altered, but the outcome is the same, everyone gets to continue doing the thing they love save the two best friends.
He's almost too scared to turn over the page to the next chapter, it was the night following that meeting that had changed everything for him, and while a part of him wants to know what had been going through Shige's head at the time, the majority of him is too scared to find out.
He expects the events to be altered a little, and it's that thought that urges him to finally turn it over, but a few paragraphs in he remembers about all the controversy, about Shige's words in that interview, and his eyes pop open as he realises he probably is about to read an account of that night.
He found himself at home alone, the news only just sinking in, leaving a feeling of despair settling into his bones, what would become of him and Shige?
His phone started ringing, and he would have ignored it if not for Shige's name flashing across the screen.
“Shige.” was all he could manage when he answered.
“Kei...” Shige replied, his voice quiet, shaking “Kei I'm scared.”
“Come over” he insisted and Shige made a small noise of affirmation before the line went dead.
It took around 20 minutes for Shige to arrive, his clothes soaked with the rain that had been falling all day, like it needed to make that day darker.
“What will you do?” was the first thing he could think to say as Shige walked across his threshold.
Shige laughed, but it was strained, distressed “You think KoyaShige could be as popular as Tegomass?”
Koyama tried to laugh too “Like they'd even let us try.”
Shige laughed again, but it turned to a sob halfway through. “Why did this happen Kei? After everything? After Uchi and Kusano...then YamaPi and Ryo...we fought it all, we were supposed stick together and make it through right? But without them there's nothing left...At least for you there's the stageplays, and the news shows...but what will happen to me?” He wanted to say something, anything to stop the moisture in those eyes. “Kei” Shige continued desperately “I've never felt so lost, I feel like I'm losing everything.”
He closed the distance in seconds, and wrapped his arms around Shige, holding his shivering form close. It was Shige that tilted his head up, his eyes searching Koyama's, so deep, so restless and somehow the distance between them closed.
Their kiss was demanding, desperate, he clung to Shige's shoulders, fingers digging in through the wet shirt, while Shige's hands wound into his hair, stroking down his cheek, cupping his jaw as he deepened the kiss.
Koyama groaned when Shige's tongue slid into his mouth, and he met it with his own, dragging shuddery breaths from Shige's throat. He gasped when Shige pressed closer to him, his fingers tightening in wet cloth, and he had only half his mind left to think that he'll catch cold if he stays in wet clothes.
He slid his hands down to the hem of Shige's shirt and gripped it, tentatively tugging it back up, and Shige released his mouth just long enough to let him pull the shirt over his head, before diving back in to seize his lips again.
“You're wet” Koyama mumbled through kisses, and his hands moved to Shige's belt.
Shige chuckled a little but it still sounded strained and it was all Koyama could do to kiss him again, chasing the distress away, even as he unfastened Shige's trousers. Shige stopped him from going any further with a firm hand on his wrist and he broke their kiss, leaning his forehead against Koyama's as he caught his breath. “I love you” he whispered and then his eyes found Koyama's just as a few more tears spilled over “Don't ever leave me.”
Koyama just looked into his eyes, his own breath filling the space between them in pants, but then Shige smiled and everything felt right in the world again. It was tentative when Shige's lips pressed back against his, soft and slow, but deep and so intoxicatingly innocent that Koyama felt frozen.
Shige's hand left his wrist and moved to his hips, staying still for a few immeasurable moments, before gently moving up, taking Koyama's shirt with them. Koyama raised his arms enough for Shige to pull it over his head and then they kissed again, until Shige broke away to take his hand and lead him down the hall to the bedroom.
He closed the door once they were inside and then finished what Koyama had started, pushing down his own jeans and stepping out of them before shuffling closer to Koyama and kissing him again, just whispers of kisses as he opened Koyama's trousers too and dropped them to the floor.
If he could have thought about it, he would have known that what they were doing was wrong, that they should at least talk about it, but Shige was so silent, his body language so sure and he couldn't resist when Shige pulled him forward and then shuffled back onto the bed.
Koyama followed him, crawling quickly up the bed, seeking out Shige's lips in assurance, and Shige didn't disappoint, kissing him hard, almost fiercely as he coaxed Koyama over him. Shige's hands were all over him, hot and as demanding as his lips, fingers digging into his skin, stroking across his flesh, making him shudder, and then he reached for Koyama's boxers and Koyama could only gasp into his mouth as Shige draged them down.
He hadn't even realised he was hard, but it made sense, with Shige's kisses and touches, all of it surrounding him, suffocating him, and he almost choked on his next breath when Shige's hand wrapped gently around him.
It was too much and he groaned out loudly, his whole body shuddering, trembling with need that he'd mistaken for fear, want that he'd tried to tell himself was just respect, for years.
“Shige” he gasped, repeating it as Shige stroked slowly, and he couldn't take it, he needed more, he needed Shige, all of him.
As though he could sense Koyama's train of thoughts, Shige let go of him, moving his hands down to his own waistband and Koyama groaned as he pushed them down, seeing that Shige was just as hard as him.
He dove back into Shige's mouth, the familiarity of it simultaneously calming his nerves and setting them alight, and he felt when Shige's legs pulled up to his chest under him so that he could pull his underwear from the ends of his feet.
The legs didn't move, even after the boxers hit the floor, they only spread a little and the gesture of submission couldn't have been any clearer. He wanted to speak, to ask if Shige was sure, if they should really be doing this, but then Shige was whispering his name between light kisses, his tone so desperate that all thought of stopping flew from Koyama's mind.
It's still the most intense experience of his life. When he lets himself think hard enough about it, he can still feel Shige's hands and lips caressing him everywhere they could reach, he can still hear the exact tone of the soft whimpers and whispers of his name. It had been incredible, but it was more than sex, there was more between them than just thoughtless thrusts, racing to orgasm, it had been sweet and sensual. It had been comfort and security, and he'd tried to convince himself, love.
The picture painted in the book isn't half as graphic as the one playing out in his mind but it still gets across all it needs to, the passion and the ecstasy, the feeling, the hope, the vulnerability they'd both been wrestling with and the pure need and compassion they'd found in each others bodies.
What the book doesn't mention is how one of them had woken before the other the next morning, and dressed as quietly as possible before slipping out of the apartment. Or how as soon as he'd finished what little work he had that day, he'd jumped on the next train leaving Tokyo and stayed in hiding until he was forced to return for work. But of course that part wouldn't have been written anyway, he didn't tell Shige where he was going, he didn't tell anyone, and he ignored all calls from everyone until he had to face his manager for work purposes.
He'd been surprised to learn that Shige had apparently taken off the day after him though nobody knew where to, and Koyama couldn't bring himself to even try and call to find out.
They didn't even see each other again until the end of that month, he knew Shige had returned, he'd heard from their manager that Shige had been in already to discuss his future, and that he'd decided to leave Johnny's. It surprised him to say the least, but he was in no position to ask him why, it was Shige's decision. As for Koyama, he decided to stay on and concentrate on his acting, all of which was announced to their fans in a press conference, the four of them together, breaking the news to, and the hearts of, hundreds of thousands of fans across the world.
That was the last he saw or heard of Shige, until just months ago when he heard the announcement of Shige's third novel. He quit the jimusho himself only a little over a year ago, the acting jobs were thrust on the new faces and the favourites, and Koyama decided he'd be happier, and taken more seriously if he focused on his news-casting and journalism.
He reads the book through to the end, despite it being dark outside already and that he'd barely moved from his seat all day. It was nice, the ending fabricated of course, a short struggle for the couple against the media, their fight to pursue a relationship despite the rules of their agency and the affect it had on their careers, but they were together in the end and that was all that mattered. He reads the last page, following the couple in his mind as they meet together on a hill that they'd frequented as teens, and look up at the stars, their hands held, happy.
Within the passing winds, I wonder why we were able to have met
If we can see the same stars now, then we'll be just fine with that.
He takes a long breath as he stares at the back cover, and then slowly stands up, his mind racing, wondering where he is, what he is, what he could have had with Shige if he'd never been to afraid to stay that morning.
He walks the length of his apartment, a new one, far away from the one he'd shared that night with Shige, and out onto the balcony. He wonders if Shige might be looking up, watching these same stars.
The thought of that book, the story, the closure it somehow makes him feel despite the real story not ending so happily, stays with him. He thinks about Shige a lot these days, about how he must be feeling, and about his reasons for writing their story and ending it the way he did. He wonders if it was Shige's way of getting closure too, or if it was his way of inviting Koyama back into his life.
The thought of the second makes him laugh a little bitterly, he's not stupid enough to think that things could just go back to how they were. Besides, Shige said himself that day at the interview that this book was the last in the series, that with it, he was leaving that part of his life behind.
Even if that is the case, Koyama can't just leave things the way they are, he's read Shige's words, he knows his true feelings about everything, everything up until that next morning at least, he can't just let it pass him by and not even try to explain things to Shige.
*****
'Sono Toki wa' makes it to it's ninth week at number one, far outselling the number they'd hoped, it's already had to be re-printed twice, so it's no surprise that when Shige walks back into his editor’s office after a long day of promotions and interviews, everyone has smiles for him.
By far the most coy of those smiles is on his editors own face. “Congratulations on your ninth week.” he greets Shige and Shige bows in thanks.
“You said there was something you wanted to see me about?” he probes a little, it's late and he's tired, though still entirely pleased with the current state of his life.
“Some flowers came for you today, I thought you might want to take these ones home with you.” he smiles, and he hands Shige a beautiful bouquet. The outside of the card just reads 'Congratulations' but he would know that untidy scrawl anywhere.
He bows again and thanks him, before heading back out into the night. His body is almost shaking in excitement, so he takes a slow walk home to calm himself before finally opening the card.
'I'm proud of you for being able to write this, and not running away like I did. I hope our paths will cross again and I'll be able to face you properly, until then, if we can see the same stars, then I'll be just fine with that.'
------------------------------------------------------------------
I've had this sitting on my computer for a while and I thought given everything that's happened recently, it was about time for a little angsty writing and the story seemed kind of fitting.
Pairing: KoyaShige
Rating: R
Word Count: 4674
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, and only the words are mine.
Summary: Five years after NEWS disband, Shige releases a novel that forces Koyama and himself to face the events that broke apart their friendship.
It's been a little over five years since they've even been in the same room, but the sight of the other man still makes his heart race as much as it ever did.
“Kato-san” he greets with a small bow, and the only saving grace is that Shige looks just as flustered when he turns around.
“Koyama-san” he replies, then swallows, but it's a little belated, Koyama didn't miss the way his voice cracked on the last syllable. His voice is more collected when he continues “It's been a while...”
It's the polite thing to say, but Koyama can't help but feel a slight bitterness in those few words. He nods slightly, that's OK, he guesses he deserves that after all this time.
There's a rush of feet and then a woman's head pops around the door of the dressing room. “Kato-san, they're ready for you in make-up.”
Shige nods and thanks her, then he gets to his feet and brushes past Koyama on his way to the door. It hurts, the coldness between them, it hurts more than the time apart, hurts more than the time before that, the time when they didn't have to be. His vision blurs, and without even thinking he drops to his knees, his hand clutching the door beside him for support as he takes deep slow breaths to calm himself.
***
It's no easier twenty minutes later, after sitting down in his own dressing room with a tall glass of ice water, the sight of Shige walking towards him still leaves him breathless. He has to catch it quickly though as Shige takes his seat and the producer calls for silence and then only a minute or two later signals the ten second countdown on his hands.
Live broadcasts don't usually make him nervous, he's been doing them for years, even before he took on news-casting full time, but being here with Shige takes him back, he's a scared young boy being pranked on a silly TV show again.
He takes a deep breath, swallows and looks at the floor, concentrating only on the fingers he can see from the corner of his eye, three, two...one, and then he looks at the camera, his rehearsed introduction rolling off of his tongue as he smiles.
Then he remembers why he is here and he turns to look at his guest. “Kato-san” he greets “Firstly let me congratulate you on the release of your third novel.”
“Thank you” Shige bows.
“So...” Koyama clears his throat, looking to his prompt cards for something to say. “It's been around six years since your last novel was published, you must have been putting a lot of effort into this third one.”
Shige swallows “More than that...it's that this one was very difficult for me to write, it's something I could never have written while I was still part of Johnny's, and even afterwards, it took a lot of courage to write it.”
He glances back to his cards, he only wrote them out two hours ago, it was only three hours ago that he found out he'd be replacing his co-anchor for the interview and he'd spent the first hour desperately trying to change that.
“Indeed, already there seems to be a lot of controversy surrounding it...”
“Yes” Shige agrees politely “Homosexuality is something that you can never predict people's reactions to when it comes to the media, Koyama-san, I'm sure, is as aware of that as I am.” Koyama's eyes widen, he doesn't even know how to respond to that, but then Shige's eyebrows furrow a little and he clarifies “I was referring to your butai a few years ago.”
Koyama lets go of the breath he hadn't been aware he was holding “Oh, of course...yes” and then as the seconds of silence stretch on, he flips to his next prompt card, glad he had the forethought to write down reasonable questions to ask authors. “Kato-san, I'm sure our viewers are curious about the inspiration for this novel...”
Shige seems prepared for this one “Yes, well as with my other two novels the story is based loosely on things that I saw or heard while active in the entertainment industry, though of course molded and embellished to become something that I hope readers will find interesting and entertaining.”
It would be good to develop that question further, ask about more details, Shige is obviously prepared for them, only Koyama hasn't read the damn thing, he probably wouldn't have done even if he'd known he had to do this interview. In some strange way it would feel too intimate, reading Shige's words, wondering if they are his thoughts, his own feelings, and he refuses to let himself get that close to the other man again.
Thankfully the director holds up his hand, signalling three minutes left, enough time to start wrapping up. “Do you have any plans for a fourth novel yet?”
Shige smiles, prepared for that one too “I don't have any plans as of yet, but I won't rule out the possibility. The only thing I can say with certainty is that there won't be any further instalments of the Shibuya Saga, with this, I'm moving on from that part of my life.”
He knows Shige has already moved on, but it still hurts in some twisted way to hear it, he's a professional though, and he swallows down his feelings and smiles. “Thank you, thank you for your time today, you must be very busy with promotions still.” Shige nods, smiles, it's professional, cold, painful. “This was Koyama Keiichiro, here with Kato Shigeaki-san, author of 'Sono Toki wa' which continues to rank number one in it's third week of sales. Starting from the fifth of next month Kato-san will be heading off on a book signing tour so be sure not to miss it, details of the dates and venues can be found on our website.”
He turns to Shige, allowing him to close the interview with his own promotional statement, before the director signals him to pass back over to the main studio.
There's a round of applause as the lights go off, they're done. It wasn't exactly comfortable but he got his job done and that's enough.
He sneaks back off to his dressing room while the staff flutter around Shige, praising him for his confidence as though they've forgotten he'd been an idol for ten years. He shuts the door behind him, and flops down onto the sofa, rubbing the sweat from his face with his hands.
It was hard, talking to him like strangers, after all they'd been through together in the past, after how close they'd once been, and it almost brings him to tears with how desperately he misses those times.
There's a quiet knock on the door, and he sits up, rubbing his face again to compose himself before calling out “Come in.”
Shige is the last person he expects to see, he takes a few steps inside, leaving the door open and for a moment he seems to study Koyama before producing something from behind his back. “I was going to ask the staff to pass it on to you, but since you're here.” he explains, holding out a copy of his novel. Koyama doesn't take it. “You got the first copy of the last two, and they weren't even...” he pauses, rethinking his words “this one is important to me, and I feel like you should have the first copy of this too...”
He doesn't want it, he doesn't want anything to do with it, he can't take the pain of dredging up all those old memories, but there's something desperate, almost broken, in Shige's eyes and he feels compelled to take it. He stretches out his hand to take it, muttering a small “Thank you” and then Shige is bowing stiffly and rushing from the room.
He takes the book home with him, though only out of politeness he tells himself, and then he places it in the bottom corner of the shelf next to it's predecessors, down where he can't see them.
Days pass, but try as he might to forget about it, his eyes flick down to that corner every time he enters the room. It's distracting, and each time it happens he feels angrier, and sadder, and yet inexplicably more compelled to read it.
On his next day off, which are as few and far between as they were back then, he reluctantly takes it from the shelf, and paces the room a few times before settling on the sofa with it. He studies the cover first, his eyes catching on Shige's name and he takes a deep breath as he flicks it open. According to the serial number it is indeed the first copy, just as his other two are, and his heart gives a weak flutter as he wonders how long ago Shige got this, how long he's been holding onto it, specifically to give it to him.
He flicks to the next page and his heart thrums more noticeably, as with the other two there is a hand-written message scrawled across the first blank page. 'To Kei-chan: At that time I didn't know how to tell you, you've always been my strength, my happiness, my friend. No matter how the world changes, this will always be a lasting reminder of that.'
Tears are falling onto the page before he even knows they're there, and he slams the book closed, storming back to the shelf and shoving it back into it's place. After everything, the last thing he needs are Shige's gentle words, each one a reminder of all that he'd lost, all that he'd thrown away.
It's not until weeks later that he manages to pick the book back up again, he flips past the first few pages until he reaches the contents page, something safe, but on the the next page he finds two lines that have that lump rising up in his throat again.
Within the passing winds, I wonder why we were able to have met
If we can see the same stars now, then we'll be just fine with that
Once he actually starts reading, he can barely put the book down, Shige's writing has improved, that much is clear, and the way it is written is careful, beautiful and sincere, as though every word was thought out and picked specifically for it's purpose. It's heart-breaking.
The story itself isn't original, maybe because it starts off kind of similar to his first novel did, with two young boys joining the entertainment industry, meeting and becoming the best of friends, or maybe it's because it's true, an almost exact account of their own lives. Only there's more, thoughts and feelings of the main character, the Shige-character naturally, his feelings of fear and loneliness through school, how hard he found it to really connect with any of his peers, until a certain boy came along and changed everything.
It brings tears to his eyes to learn of the depth of Shige's feelings for him, just how important a presence he'd been in Shige's life, how much he was admired and adored. Of course it's no less than the way he'd felt about Shige too, but Shige had never been one to say it, not even, jokingly or otherwise, in magazine interviews.
It hurts, not only emotionally but physically, it makes his chest tight and his throat raw, he misses Shige, he misses everything about him, unbearably.
Shige's words have tears spilling over just as often as they have him laughing aloud as they recount the mischievous activities, some real, some invented, of those two boys as they grow up together in the agency. It warms his heart almost as much as it hurts when he remembers, and hours pass as he flicks through, page after page after page.
The strengthening of the bond between the characters is almost tangible, and he feels it just as equally when he senses the approach of it breaking. It's just like he remembers it, their manager calling them for an unscheduled meeting, the way their band-mates couldn't meet their eyes.
“We called you here because there is an important issue that we need to discuss” their manager announced.
Koyama looked around, the whole room, managers, staff, their band-mates all glum, only Shige shared his anxious expression.
“It's very sudden” the manager continued “But at the end of this month, NEWS will be disbanding.”
He couldn't even speak, his mind unable to wrap around the words, he looked to his friends for an explanation at the same time Shige beside him laughed “What?”
“We're sorry.” It was Tegoshi that spoke “Shige, Kei-chan, we're so sorry...they gave us the choice...Tegomass is doing so well recently...”
He glanced to Massu, who was sitting with his head down, sniffling as tears fell into his lap.
“You're leaving us?” Shige asked beside, getting up from his seat and leaning forward on the table.
“You know how much NEWS means to us, but they said we can't have both and...”
“We talked about it for so long” Massu chipped in, his voice heavy with the tears still rolling down his cheeks. “We don't want to leave you but we have to think about our future.”
“And we don't feature in that I see.” Shige snapped, and he kicked his chair back and paced a few time across the length of the table. Koyama was still in shock, it still hadn't sunk in properly, he hadn't realised yet exactly what it meant but his body seemed to be a few steps ahead of him and already tears were spilling over his own eyes.
“Shige...we're sorry.” Tegoshi said, almost a plea, and his resolve broke too, quiet sobs leaving his lips. “We're not doing this lightly, we've thought about it a lot, we've been discussing it with with the staff for weeks already...”
“Then it's decided?” Koyama spoke at last, his voice coming out cracked and broken. Their manager nodded silently. “What will happen to us?”
“Over the next couple of weeks we'll meet with you individually to discuss what the best course of action will be for you both.”
Reading the words, they're not the exact ones used, no mentions of band-names, and the numbers of members and reasons are altered, but the outcome is the same, everyone gets to continue doing the thing they love save the two best friends.
He's almost too scared to turn over the page to the next chapter, it was the night following that meeting that had changed everything for him, and while a part of him wants to know what had been going through Shige's head at the time, the majority of him is too scared to find out.
He expects the events to be altered a little, and it's that thought that urges him to finally turn it over, but a few paragraphs in he remembers about all the controversy, about Shige's words in that interview, and his eyes pop open as he realises he probably is about to read an account of that night.
He found himself at home alone, the news only just sinking in, leaving a feeling of despair settling into his bones, what would become of him and Shige?
His phone started ringing, and he would have ignored it if not for Shige's name flashing across the screen.
“Shige.” was all he could manage when he answered.
“Kei...” Shige replied, his voice quiet, shaking “Kei I'm scared.”
“Come over” he insisted and Shige made a small noise of affirmation before the line went dead.
It took around 20 minutes for Shige to arrive, his clothes soaked with the rain that had been falling all day, like it needed to make that day darker.
“What will you do?” was the first thing he could think to say as Shige walked across his threshold.
Shige laughed, but it was strained, distressed “You think KoyaShige could be as popular as Tegomass?”
Koyama tried to laugh too “Like they'd even let us try.”
Shige laughed again, but it turned to a sob halfway through. “Why did this happen Kei? After everything? After Uchi and Kusano...then YamaPi and Ryo...we fought it all, we were supposed stick together and make it through right? But without them there's nothing left...At least for you there's the stageplays, and the news shows...but what will happen to me?” He wanted to say something, anything to stop the moisture in those eyes. “Kei” Shige continued desperately “I've never felt so lost, I feel like I'm losing everything.”
He closed the distance in seconds, and wrapped his arms around Shige, holding his shivering form close. It was Shige that tilted his head up, his eyes searching Koyama's, so deep, so restless and somehow the distance between them closed.
Their kiss was demanding, desperate, he clung to Shige's shoulders, fingers digging in through the wet shirt, while Shige's hands wound into his hair, stroking down his cheek, cupping his jaw as he deepened the kiss.
Koyama groaned when Shige's tongue slid into his mouth, and he met it with his own, dragging shuddery breaths from Shige's throat. He gasped when Shige pressed closer to him, his fingers tightening in wet cloth, and he had only half his mind left to think that he'll catch cold if he stays in wet clothes.
He slid his hands down to the hem of Shige's shirt and gripped it, tentatively tugging it back up, and Shige released his mouth just long enough to let him pull the shirt over his head, before diving back in to seize his lips again.
“You're wet” Koyama mumbled through kisses, and his hands moved to Shige's belt.
Shige chuckled a little but it still sounded strained and it was all Koyama could do to kiss him again, chasing the distress away, even as he unfastened Shige's trousers. Shige stopped him from going any further with a firm hand on his wrist and he broke their kiss, leaning his forehead against Koyama's as he caught his breath. “I love you” he whispered and then his eyes found Koyama's just as a few more tears spilled over “Don't ever leave me.”
Koyama just looked into his eyes, his own breath filling the space between them in pants, but then Shige smiled and everything felt right in the world again. It was tentative when Shige's lips pressed back against his, soft and slow, but deep and so intoxicatingly innocent that Koyama felt frozen.
Shige's hand left his wrist and moved to his hips, staying still for a few immeasurable moments, before gently moving up, taking Koyama's shirt with them. Koyama raised his arms enough for Shige to pull it over his head and then they kissed again, until Shige broke away to take his hand and lead him down the hall to the bedroom.
He closed the door once they were inside and then finished what Koyama had started, pushing down his own jeans and stepping out of them before shuffling closer to Koyama and kissing him again, just whispers of kisses as he opened Koyama's trousers too and dropped them to the floor.
If he could have thought about it, he would have known that what they were doing was wrong, that they should at least talk about it, but Shige was so silent, his body language so sure and he couldn't resist when Shige pulled him forward and then shuffled back onto the bed.
Koyama followed him, crawling quickly up the bed, seeking out Shige's lips in assurance, and Shige didn't disappoint, kissing him hard, almost fiercely as he coaxed Koyama over him. Shige's hands were all over him, hot and as demanding as his lips, fingers digging into his skin, stroking across his flesh, making him shudder, and then he reached for Koyama's boxers and Koyama could only gasp into his mouth as Shige draged them down.
He hadn't even realised he was hard, but it made sense, with Shige's kisses and touches, all of it surrounding him, suffocating him, and he almost choked on his next breath when Shige's hand wrapped gently around him.
It was too much and he groaned out loudly, his whole body shuddering, trembling with need that he'd mistaken for fear, want that he'd tried to tell himself was just respect, for years.
“Shige” he gasped, repeating it as Shige stroked slowly, and he couldn't take it, he needed more, he needed Shige, all of him.
As though he could sense Koyama's train of thoughts, Shige let go of him, moving his hands down to his own waistband and Koyama groaned as he pushed them down, seeing that Shige was just as hard as him.
He dove back into Shige's mouth, the familiarity of it simultaneously calming his nerves and setting them alight, and he felt when Shige's legs pulled up to his chest under him so that he could pull his underwear from the ends of his feet.
The legs didn't move, even after the boxers hit the floor, they only spread a little and the gesture of submission couldn't have been any clearer. He wanted to speak, to ask if Shige was sure, if they should really be doing this, but then Shige was whispering his name between light kisses, his tone so desperate that all thought of stopping flew from Koyama's mind.
It's still the most intense experience of his life. When he lets himself think hard enough about it, he can still feel Shige's hands and lips caressing him everywhere they could reach, he can still hear the exact tone of the soft whimpers and whispers of his name. It had been incredible, but it was more than sex, there was more between them than just thoughtless thrusts, racing to orgasm, it had been sweet and sensual. It had been comfort and security, and he'd tried to convince himself, love.
The picture painted in the book isn't half as graphic as the one playing out in his mind but it still gets across all it needs to, the passion and the ecstasy, the feeling, the hope, the vulnerability they'd both been wrestling with and the pure need and compassion they'd found in each others bodies.
What the book doesn't mention is how one of them had woken before the other the next morning, and dressed as quietly as possible before slipping out of the apartment. Or how as soon as he'd finished what little work he had that day, he'd jumped on the next train leaving Tokyo and stayed in hiding until he was forced to return for work. But of course that part wouldn't have been written anyway, he didn't tell Shige where he was going, he didn't tell anyone, and he ignored all calls from everyone until he had to face his manager for work purposes.
He'd been surprised to learn that Shige had apparently taken off the day after him though nobody knew where to, and Koyama couldn't bring himself to even try and call to find out.
They didn't even see each other again until the end of that month, he knew Shige had returned, he'd heard from their manager that Shige had been in already to discuss his future, and that he'd decided to leave Johnny's. It surprised him to say the least, but he was in no position to ask him why, it was Shige's decision. As for Koyama, he decided to stay on and concentrate on his acting, all of which was announced to their fans in a press conference, the four of them together, breaking the news to, and the hearts of, hundreds of thousands of fans across the world.
That was the last he saw or heard of Shige, until just months ago when he heard the announcement of Shige's third novel. He quit the jimusho himself only a little over a year ago, the acting jobs were thrust on the new faces and the favourites, and Koyama decided he'd be happier, and taken more seriously if he focused on his news-casting and journalism.
He reads the book through to the end, despite it being dark outside already and that he'd barely moved from his seat all day. It was nice, the ending fabricated of course, a short struggle for the couple against the media, their fight to pursue a relationship despite the rules of their agency and the affect it had on their careers, but they were together in the end and that was all that mattered. He reads the last page, following the couple in his mind as they meet together on a hill that they'd frequented as teens, and look up at the stars, their hands held, happy.
Within the passing winds, I wonder why we were able to have met
If we can see the same stars now, then we'll be just fine with that.
He takes a long breath as he stares at the back cover, and then slowly stands up, his mind racing, wondering where he is, what he is, what he could have had with Shige if he'd never been to afraid to stay that morning.
He walks the length of his apartment, a new one, far away from the one he'd shared that night with Shige, and out onto the balcony. He wonders if Shige might be looking up, watching these same stars.
The thought of that book, the story, the closure it somehow makes him feel despite the real story not ending so happily, stays with him. He thinks about Shige a lot these days, about how he must be feeling, and about his reasons for writing their story and ending it the way he did. He wonders if it was Shige's way of getting closure too, or if it was his way of inviting Koyama back into his life.
The thought of the second makes him laugh a little bitterly, he's not stupid enough to think that things could just go back to how they were. Besides, Shige said himself that day at the interview that this book was the last in the series, that with it, he was leaving that part of his life behind.
Even if that is the case, Koyama can't just leave things the way they are, he's read Shige's words, he knows his true feelings about everything, everything up until that next morning at least, he can't just let it pass him by and not even try to explain things to Shige.
*****
'Sono Toki wa' makes it to it's ninth week at number one, far outselling the number they'd hoped, it's already had to be re-printed twice, so it's no surprise that when Shige walks back into his editor’s office after a long day of promotions and interviews, everyone has smiles for him.
By far the most coy of those smiles is on his editors own face. “Congratulations on your ninth week.” he greets Shige and Shige bows in thanks.
“You said there was something you wanted to see me about?” he probes a little, it's late and he's tired, though still entirely pleased with the current state of his life.
“Some flowers came for you today, I thought you might want to take these ones home with you.” he smiles, and he hands Shige a beautiful bouquet. The outside of the card just reads 'Congratulations' but he would know that untidy scrawl anywhere.
He bows again and thanks him, before heading back out into the night. His body is almost shaking in excitement, so he takes a slow walk home to calm himself before finally opening the card.
'I'm proud of you for being able to write this, and not running away like I did. I hope our paths will cross again and I'll be able to face you properly, until then, if we can see the same stars, then I'll be just fine with that.'
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I've had this sitting on my computer for a while and I thought given everything that's happened recently, it was about time for a little angsty writing and the story seemed kind of fitting.