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[these_limbs]

over the past few months, i have been thinking a lot about Letting Go. i'm going to try to be as general (vague) as possible here, but i have so many thoughts and so much confusion about the topic that i just have to write down here. specifically here, because you all have known me for so much longer than most of the people i currently associate

Comments

[the_jerm]

I've got bad-like really bad, terrible bad-news: that's life. As you grow up, as you grow older, as you get more mature, the consequence is becoming increasingly jaded. The older you get the more detached you feel. Remember when you were a child, a day off school was the greatest thing in the world, not just because you didn't have to go to school but because it was a whole day-that was so much, it lasted so long. Now... days go by faster than I can keep track of. Remember when you were a teenager, you could have the time of your life with nothing more than your friends and the night to keep you company, you didn't (necessarily) need a plan, or drugs and alcohol, or even a place to be, whatever happened could be something special. Now... the prospect of spending a night just hanging out at Tim Hortons sounds ridiculously shitty (even if Timmy's is the place to pick up high schoolers). As you get older, life becomes less interesting.

I don't really know how that relates to "letting go" (capitalizing that looks weird, B-T-W), but if you think you have some method of feeling more alive, feeling rejuvenated, fuck, take it!

What might relate is what someone once told me: that the more you have, even positive things, like a roof over your head, financial security, or people who love you, the less free you actually are. And to feel true freedom, requires you to have nothing and be alone. It's definitely a depressing message, but it's true.

You could take a lesson from The Doctor. He's a thousand-year old time-traveling alien, and, like I said above, the older you are, the more jaded you are, and that's exactly what he says. The Doctor travels with companions, typically young, human, women (though almost as often, men), recently his companion Amy asked him why he took her along. He said it was because he couldn't see it anymore, that after a while you just can't see it anymore. When she asks what he's talking about, he answers* "Everything! I look at a star and it's just a big ball of burning gas. I know how it began, and I know how it ends, and I was probably there both times. After a while, everything is just stuff! That's the problem, you make the whole of space and time your backyard, and what do you have? A backyard. But you, you can see it. And when you see it, I see it." See what I'm saying? Surround yourself with people who don't feel like you do, people who still feel alive.

* = The scene has a level of sexual tension, Amy tried to kiss The Doctor just prior to this, he rejected her (because he can't see humans as equals and thus potential romantic interests), she's still trying to push him... it's complicated, great show though.

[the_jerm]

P.S. If you deserve an award for that, I deserve like a hundred.

[these_limbs]

while i do agree that aging and maturing do probably come with their fair share of feelings of detachment, i don't necessarily agree that i fall into the category of the kind of person who has stopped having a great and special time with "...friends and the night to keep you company". in all honestly, that stuff still totally gets me off, so to speak. but, like you said, i don't really feel like this has anything to do with letting go.

i definitely agree with the thing about freedom. i feel like this life i have tried to build for myself is what is destroying me, even though i have all of those things that you mentioned. four or five years ago i would have killed for the stability i have now, and now i can't stand it. i feel very, very stuck.

i don't think that having nothing and being alone is necessarily a depressing message, but it would be a very hard thing to actually go ahead and get yourself to do. i have too many commitments to people and jobs and family members that i don't even feel like i am living my life for me anymore. this, essentially, is what is troubling me the most. to be happy, i feel like i have to make the conscious decision to sever these ties but, fuck, that is so hard to do. the outcome? worth it. but i don't know if i have the will for it.

also, you'll be happy to hear that your comment has made me consider watching an episode of doctor who.