(no subject)
over the past few months, i have been thinking a lot about Letting Go. i'm going to try to be as general (vague) as possible here, but i have so many thoughts and so much confusion about the topic that i just have to write down here. specifically here, because you all have known me for so much longer than most of the people i currently associate with on a day to day basis, and because you have all seen me at my worst.
everyone can tell you that letting go is important. while i do agree with this statement, i am having a hard time trying to figure out just what i should be letting go of. the way i think most people see it is that you need to let go of your past in order to be happy in the future. you can't have all that baggage from what happened weeks, months, years before ruining everything today.
my past was a lot of things. a lot of experiences that were kind of terrible and reckless, but that i really, truly feel were important and helped me to learn how to climb out of the holes that i dig myself deep into. my past was also a time of many amazing things that i still think about every day, and it tears me up that i don't have them anymore. i am not clinging to the memories necessarily; it's more who i was and what i was capable of feeling. to summarise, my past was a time when i really felt alive.
i don't feel that way anymore. sure, i don't feel as depressed as i used to. i don't drink seven days a week and i don't abuse my brain with drugs. i feel like i am a more stable person than i used to be, which seems right seeing as i am not a teenager anymore. but i don't feel the excitement anymore. there is no spark left in my step for the things i do today. i don't feel anything above indifference toward anything today. at least, in the past, my depression could be countered by extended periods of feeling really happy, or feeling at all. i'm not craving my young and stupid lifestyle, but i am not craving what everything has become.
so i guess my real problem is the decision i have to make. either i have to let go of the past and accept the reality of what things have turned out to be, or i have to let go of the things from my present that are holding me back from the past feelings that i am still searching for. i find it hard to let myself accept the present for what it is because i have worked very hard to learn that i do deserve to be happy, and i am not happy. but i find it almost equally as hard to grow the pair of balls it would take to let go of what is holding me back now.
thoughts on letting go?
(two livejournal updates in two days, i'm pretty sure i deserve an award for this haha)
everyone can tell you that letting go is important. while i do agree with this statement, i am having a hard time trying to figure out just what i should be letting go of. the way i think most people see it is that you need to let go of your past in order to be happy in the future. you can't have all that baggage from what happened weeks, months, years before ruining everything today.
my past was a lot of things. a lot of experiences that were kind of terrible and reckless, but that i really, truly feel were important and helped me to learn how to climb out of the holes that i dig myself deep into. my past was also a time of many amazing things that i still think about every day, and it tears me up that i don't have them anymore. i am not clinging to the memories necessarily; it's more who i was and what i was capable of feeling. to summarise, my past was a time when i really felt alive.
i don't feel that way anymore. sure, i don't feel as depressed as i used to. i don't drink seven days a week and i don't abuse my brain with drugs. i feel like i am a more stable person than i used to be, which seems right seeing as i am not a teenager anymore. but i don't feel the excitement anymore. there is no spark left in my step for the things i do today. i don't feel anything above indifference toward anything today. at least, in the past, my depression could be countered by extended periods of feeling really happy, or feeling at all. i'm not craving my young and stupid lifestyle, but i am not craving what everything has become.
so i guess my real problem is the decision i have to make. either i have to let go of the past and accept the reality of what things have turned out to be, or i have to let go of the things from my present that are holding me back from the past feelings that i am still searching for. i find it hard to let myself accept the present for what it is because i have worked very hard to learn that i do deserve to be happy, and i am not happy. but i find it almost equally as hard to grow the pair of balls it would take to let go of what is holding me back now.
thoughts on letting go?
(two livejournal updates in two days, i'm pretty sure i deserve an award for this haha)