"I saw your picture on a silver coin.."
It's strange how having something worthwhile to stress over seems to put everything else in order. I currently have a project, and I feel like all the little things that used to bug me about my life are suddenly put on the backburner. I suppose this is how I function best.
I've been thinking (because I am procrastinating while I write my presentation for this communications conference) about my life now, and what I thought it'd be as a kid. When I was thirteen or fourteen, I remember wanting to write a letter to myself at twenty-one, just so that I could reflect back on what I used to think I'd be, or what I considered successful at that age. I never finished writing that letter, but I wish I had. Sometimes I try to imagine what it'd be like if the fourteen-year-old version of myself could see what I am now. The one time I got stoned, I lay on Luke's bed and imagined what it'd be like if I could see my life with the mind of the person I was when I was seventeen (if that makes sense - it didn't make much sense to Luke at the time). I imagined seventeen year-old me would be impressed. She'd be all like "dude like whoa there's a hot guy undressing and climbing into bed with me, like what's up with that".
When I was fourteen, I think it must be said that I had very low self esteem. I guess a lot of teenagers do. I was fat, socially inept, I had a few friends whom I didn't think much of, but I'd spent enough years without having friends that I was just grateful I had people to eat with at lunchtime. I was good at school, but not brilliant. I don't know what I figured I'd do when I left school, but I'm not sure I had high hopes. I certainly didn't think I'd be here, living on my own in an awesome city, with amazing friends and a gorgeous boyfriend, who all share my slightly quirky sense of humour and like having me around. I didn't think I'd get first class honours, have my work published, or be offered a $20,000 scholarship to do my PhD. And I may only be working at a pub these days, but honestly, my confidence and social skills were so awful back then that I'd have been shocked if anyone told me I could eventually do that.
I know this is incredibly self-indulgent but.. actually no, fuck that, what LiveJournal entry isn't self-indulgent? I think it was an entry I needed to write to remind myself that I have made progress. Even though I'm still a paranoid wreck who clams up when she's spoken to without warning, I don't often think about how bad I used to be. I was the high school kid at KFC who couldn't get the words out to ask for a job application form, and could only point to a sign on the wall and stutter. The seventh grader who burst into tears the first time she had to speak in front of class. It sounds corny, but I think that kid would be happy with my life.
These moods don't come around too often. I can't let good optimism go to waste.