*sighs*
I was about to write something about how I wish I could just start taking my damn medication again so I could stop feeling like I just took a nosedive in a lake filled with molasses, and then I realized I am dependent on the crap.
It truly upsets me. I don't want to be like other Americans who just take their pills and rely on them to fix everything. I want to be able to feel at least neutral on my own. It's just so frustrating because I've lived through this cycle since I was about 12 years old, feeling normal for a while and then for months feeling like my heart has been taken over by a solid black cloud. Is it too much to ask to not have to live like that anymore, to be able to have some choice in how I feel? I can't decide if I'm not like everyone else, that I truly do have some sort of chemical imbalance that can be sorted out with medication, or if I'm refusing to find a way to overcome this on my own. I've tried before, but maybe I just need to try more to figure out the one process that can help me. Am I being lazy or do I really NEED the medication? I want to find some way to sort this issue out... Maybe I should just continue to go to therapy and really get into it this time. However, I feel that there are some things into which I am simply not ready to delve.
And then rises this question: should I continue to take the medication until I am ready to truly sort through my life, or will medication make it so I will never feel ready, that I feel good enough so why should I relive things?
Sometimes I wish I was still young enough so my mother could decide these things for me. But, alas, I'm nearly 19, and while these questions of taking care of my own life are substantially more complicated than I thought, I must take them on for myself.
A significant part of my life is spent living inside my head with my thoughts, and after all these years of doing that, I still can't decide if I like that or not. I simply am not clueless-happy like my roommate is... Therein lies my answer. If I dislike her so much, why on Earth would I want to be like her? I rise above that empty happiness and strive for an intellectual lifestyle, in which I will only be happy when I deem myself fit for happiness...
Answer to previous question: No more meds.
It truly upsets me. I don't want to be like other Americans who just take their pills and rely on them to fix everything. I want to be able to feel at least neutral on my own. It's just so frustrating because I've lived through this cycle since I was about 12 years old, feeling normal for a while and then for months feeling like my heart has been taken over by a solid black cloud. Is it too much to ask to not have to live like that anymore, to be able to have some choice in how I feel? I can't decide if I'm not like everyone else, that I truly do have some sort of chemical imbalance that can be sorted out with medication, or if I'm refusing to find a way to overcome this on my own. I've tried before, but maybe I just need to try more to figure out the one process that can help me. Am I being lazy or do I really NEED the medication? I want to find some way to sort this issue out... Maybe I should just continue to go to therapy and really get into it this time. However, I feel that there are some things into which I am simply not ready to delve.
And then rises this question: should I continue to take the medication until I am ready to truly sort through my life, or will medication make it so I will never feel ready, that I feel good enough so why should I relive things?
Sometimes I wish I was still young enough so my mother could decide these things for me. But, alas, I'm nearly 19, and while these questions of taking care of my own life are substantially more complicated than I thought, I must take them on for myself.
A significant part of my life is spent living inside my head with my thoughts, and after all these years of doing that, I still can't decide if I like that or not. I simply am not clueless-happy like my roommate is... Therein lies my answer. If I dislike her so much, why on Earth would I want to be like her? I rise above that empty happiness and strive for an intellectual lifestyle, in which I will only be happy when I deem myself fit for happiness...
Answer to previous question: No more meds.