(no subject)
I should do this on a daily basis, because if I wait days or weeks to update my journal I'll overflood with information.. but it is all rambling in my head and I better get it out before I A) forget or B) explode. First of all, David and I talked about all the things that I had been feeling, vice versa. I see that he is opening up more and he let me know that what we discussed shouldn't be a problem anymore. I feel weird today. I normally can label how I'm feeling right off the bat but today is really weird. I have all kinds of emotions running, feeling all sorts of things. What started it off was Steven, my ex, called me last night to ask how I was doing. It was awkward at first, we had not talked since mid September before his trip to Seattle where he visited his sister. We ended up talking for a good 2 hours. I did alot of crying and laughing during that conversation. I can understand when I'm feeling sad.. or when I'm feeling happy. But I am feeling both and it is mind boggling. Steven and I have been seperated 2 years this coming Easter. He asked if I was seeing someone and I replied by saying that I wasn't comfortable just yet talking about that subject. I asked, 'why are you?' and he said.. sort of. I was shocked, but in a happy way? And curious too. He says..'you're never going to believe who it is...' as if I knew the person but what he meant was that I wouldn't guess how he met her because he met her online. Which in itself is ironic because he hated the whole internet thing, meeting people.. he hated the TSO, the online game I play.. talking to people he thought I didn't know and he just couldn't understand it at that time. He told me what started it was his friend told him about match.com and how he has been meeting girls through there, I told him that was a good source, even Dr. Phil promotes that 'dating service.' he said it started off good but in order to view people's pictures.. he'd have to pay, lol..so he researched free ones. Anyways, he sent messages out to a bunch of girls from the Phillipines, which he figured is good since he knows he likes filipinos..lol. He continued on saying that he got really close in particular with one woman who has a 2 year old daughter. So much so that he was planning a trip to go see her. I was suprisingly shocked and glad that he was getting out there.. but yet I felt saddened and even guilty of what happened to us. I soon to feel comfortable enough to tell him about Dave. And I feel so bad still, just because with the girl he's "seeing" he hasn't even met in person meanwhile Dave and I live together, and have been together (in the flesh) for 8 months. He has only been 'looking' for the past month. He said he cried when I had told him back in July that I was living with someone, he didnt know the details for I kept alot out. I told him that I wanted to tell him but I didn't want him to ever hate me. He says that he doesn't.. and he tells his friends and even the girls he is now meeting, that I had given him the best years of his life, that he had no regrets.. We don't have any hard feelings.. and if they ask what happened, and why we didn't work out, he tells them that we just drifted apart, lost communication. I really needed to hear that. I blame myself, I know now that I wasn't myself during the last few years before leaving him. And I wasn't myself still after that. I am slowly regaining my true self.. and gaining confidence in who I am. I can't help but analyze what happened, or didn't happen. I have still so much more to learn. I added him to my yahoo and it is weird, yet we talk ..like friends do, and I sure hope we can remain friends. Steven is a good hearted, genuinely nice man, hardworking and caring. I always knew that, even in my severly depressed state. I try to find out why it didnt work out... and just by saying 'we just drifted' isn't enough to give me closure.. or should it? Why do I need all the answers, and if I had them, would they be enough to lessen my grieving. I wish I had more than one day off because I feel the need to talk to Dr Lyons about this. I need help sorting it out. Someone biased. Because I know I have the answers, just bringing them to light..seeing the truths are being clouded by a rush of feelings that came out when Steven called last night. It wasn't the feeling of being in love... although I will always have love for him.. and it wasn't jealously towards the women he is meeting, for I wish him all the luck and all the best.. he deserves only the best. It is just strange having been together for 13 years.. married together for 6 of them and separated for almost two years then talking to each other on a friend's basis about seeing other people. I told him I hope he finds that special someone.. he goes he does too but he thinks he already had her... maybe tomorrow I'll have a clearer head and try to sort these feelings out. I also need to find the divorce papers and fill them out, get that going. I want to talk to Dave when he gets home about this. I started to when he called me on his break, he said that its only natural to still have feelings and care for your ex, and when he talked to you after so long alot of feelings rushed in. And yes, it rushed in like a flash flood - without warning. Anyway, I will write more on this soon.