The longest day ever...
I finally had the courage to speak on everything that I had been feeling, but it occurred to me around 2am, after a nightmare while he was asleep. I tried waking Dave up to get some comfort, but he wouldn't budge. As I laid there, my mind started to work overtime about all the things that bothered me about our relationship. Before I go any further, I just need to say that I love this man with all of my heart. But last night I told him I was done. I was unhappy, and I did not want to go through it anymore. He was taken by surprise. He said that came out of nowhere. I was too surprised, wondering how he couldn't see it, when it was right in front of us. He asked me to explain, and I did. I told him if he couldn't give me what I needed, we really need to talk about what to do next. I laid it all out there because I did not want to go through 14 plus years just dealing with it and wonder then what the hell happened? He said he used to be the one who needed the attention and didn't get it in return, and now he is the one getting all this attention all at once, and he didn't know how to handle it. I basically told him that the way he was handling it, was not the way to go. He is afraid to open up his entire heart, but since we have been together, I have been chipping away at the wall he has built around himself after the two failed marriages he had. He also asked not to give up on him and that he loved me, and that he would not be here if he didn't. He said not to change, that I am the way I am, and he knows that.. and likes it, but the only way he could explain his hesitance was that he is scared. He mentioned that I was still married, and although Steven and I aren't together, he is scared that I don't want to close that door.. He doesn't want to rush me, he wants me to do it when I'm ready, but he worries that I don't really want to finalize it with a divorce. I told him I love him, I just didn't want it to be too late for us. I don't want him to finally give his entire heart to me, and I then realize I don't need it. I don't want to get used to things or settle. He told me that he is starting his life all over, and hasn't gotten into a comfort zone. With living in Hawaii, with no family or friends here, a new job.. I told him that it doesn't matter what we do for a living, where we live or what we have, if there is comfort it should be with us. You and me, right here, that should be all we need to feel comfort. It seemed like I had a response or answer for everything he brought to the table, I just wanted to be straight up, lay all my feelings out there.. something I have never really done before. I am also starting over, I am also scared. I think we came to an understanding. I told him that I don't want him to change, if that is the way he is.. then so be it, I just can't have that in my life. He told me the way he is, is when I first met him... and the thing of that is, I look back at that time often, how extremely romantic he was, loving.. in every way. He didnt armor his heart or feelings, because we weren't sure of when we would see each other again, we exposed our hearts and emotions. but while I continued doing that it was like he took a few steps back. I plan to start on the divorce papers when my sister leaves to go back home, she is visiting right now from Virginia so it has been hectic. Not to mention working overtime. I don't want to give up on David. I love him so much. I hope that since we have this out in the open, the only thing left to do is see what happens.