So tired that I couldn't even sleep
The dreams are back. They started the other night. I wake up crying, and I remebered from before how Nick told me I could call him when this happened. But I couldn't. He's having his own bad dreams. Okay that part of it, but mostly, he would want to know what I was dreaming about maybe. And I can't tell him. I'm scared it would make the
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*makes a face* Apparently, you can be stupid, too. You can't blame yourself for getting kidnapped. What? Am I to blame for going outside the day I was possessed? There ain't anything wrong with fighting back when someone's holding you against your will. It's what you're supposed to do. You put way too much blame on yourself. *suddenly sincere* Whatever he told you, to make you have this hate on for yourself, it's not true.
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*sad* I can't help but think if I would have done things differently. Just kept my mouth shut, quit trying to hit him. Then maybe he would have left me alone. And maybe you're right maybe its not my fault for getting kidnapped, but why me? I mean, why did he keep coming back? And then I think, when we were all acting crazy, I summoned him, he hung out with us, came to the Bahamas with us. *makes a disgusted face* we were like friends and stuff. That was my fault, and everything after that. The vampires, the wish, taking off my charm. I let him hurt me, I helped him do it. So it stands to reason, he's right about me.
*shrugs*
Apparently I am nuerotic, stupid and rambly.
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*looks at her, trying to follow everything she's talking about*
Yeah, well, when we were all crazy, I joined the cheerleading squad, so you can't really hold yourself accountable for anything you did then. *twirls her bottle around on the counter* I dunno. I can't tell you what he would've, could've, might've done if you had did somethin' different. The same way I can't tell if I wouldn't have tried to murder people if I would've done something different. If I could've gotten away if I tried harder. If I'd have had a different look on stuff, I wouldn't have been possessed. But that shit's out of control. You can't control other people's actions, and that guy's fucked up. He went after you not 'cause of you, but 'cause he's sick. What? Vamps? Wish? Taking off a charm helped him hurt you...what?
And just what exactly do you keep saying he's right about?
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Okay, so when are you going to tell me the part that makes you fucked up?
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Bindi? Did you hear me? I took away the vamps souls, making them you know, killers again. I left the hospital not five minutes after promising I wouldn't give up and walked into a crowd of vamps and gave up. I got Stafs beaten into a coma. I never told you guys you were in danger. I just made you charms. If you blew me off and hadn't worn them? He could have hurt you. I never told anyone he came back after the kidnapping. Thats all fucked up, and things I'm guilty of.
Theres something very wrong with me that I can bring on that kind of badness.
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So, you messed up 'cause you were scared and hurt, that doesn't make you fucked up, it makes you a teenager.
You can talk to me about fucked up after you've spent thirty minutes washing your hands to make sure they're clean, using safety pins to do something not healty to your arm, and, you know, after having tried to kill yourself five fucking times.
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Bindi? I'm pretty sure doing bad things to your arms is approved usage by the safety pin manufacturer.
*smiles sadly*
Okay, I concede. We are both fucked up.
*concerned*
Thats one of the things you talk to Mrs.Oneil about right? Cause I kinda like having you around, even if you are kinda blunt and charming.
These dreams aren't helping are they?
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I am fucked up, you have fucked up. There is a difference.
It's been dealt with. Once you've attempted murder, things get put into perspective. But dreams aren't helping.
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*tilts head*
But you're out of here after graduation, so maybe being out of this Godforsaken town with suit you better. You and Jake will be rock stars, and when VH1 does a behind the music story on you, I'll make you give me a lot of back stage passes and invite me to all the cool parties just so that I wont tell them how I kicked your butt in high school. *grins*
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You can be our groupie. Excuse me, kicked my ass in high school? I don't remember any kicking of my ass from you. *grins* But if you wanna go...I'm sure the guys would love to watch. *laughs*
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*looks over her shoulder*
*turns back, grins*
Yeah, guys can be so predictable.
*serious for a second*
Thanks, Bindi. It's cool that you like listened and stuff.
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*says very seriously* I have two sisters. I'm well-trained. *finishes off the last of her water bottle and sets it on the bar* You're not so bad, Trejos. Stop being so hard on yourself; you'll get wrinkles and be all nasty and shit. And I want Nick dating a hot chick. *half-smiles, half-smirks at her*
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I'll do my best to stay well preserved so that Nick doesn't have to find someone better looking to replace me.
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