And all I can do is try
I went to see Josh the other night. I don't know why, but I had to see him. I took Momma's car and drove out to the base. The only one at the building was that Army guy who was with Maddy when Josh was arrested, the one who beat him to the floor. His name is Jack Morgann, I think he said captain or something. I convince him this was something
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When I lost it with Josh... I had to get those feelings out there. Had to unleash some of this stuff I've kept bottled up.
*voice quiet*
Then I got home and I was still on the edge. I could feel myself trying to shut down and Marcus wouldn't let me. He kept pushing and it took one word and I broke, Tres.
I broke down and the next thing I knew, I was saying things that I'd had kept inside for so long. I realized things that I didn't see before.
It's like things came together and I finally saw everything with clear eyes.
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*looks at him*
Yeah it was kinda like that for me. One thing said that clicks and kinda changes the whole way I was looking at everything.
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You guys fell apart. It's like Xan was freaking out because he'd lost Jesse and he needed me to be all right so he could say, "At least Nick is safe." That my parents was freaking for the same reason. They lost my brother so they needed to be able to say, "At least Nick is safe."
You and Marcus have been through so much that the one thing you could say was, "At least Nick is safe."
*realizes he's rambling*
Sorry. It's just, it hit me everyone needed me to be safe, including me because I wanted you guys to have that. Then suddenly I wasn't safe. I wasn't all right and I felt like I screwed things up for everyone.
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God, Nick. No. You didn't let me down. You have never let me down. Yeah I want you to be safe, I don't want you to hurt or be hurt, because I love you.
It's just...you are so good. To me, to everyone. You were only out there trying to protect your friends. It seemed unfair for this horrible thing to happen to you.
*realizes swhat she has been doing*
You're right. I guess it did go through my head that as long as you were safe and happy and alive, that I could take whatever happened to me. That that would make it fair.
I do try to protect you. From the crap thats happened. Not becasue I think you can't handle it. But because...I don't think you deserve any more bad things in your life.
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Candace didn't deserve to die. None of us deserve this, but it seems to happen. I guess...
*looks at her*
I need you to know that I get why you guys do it. I do. You feel like you've already dealt with the ugly stuff so if you can take and spare me...
But I don't want you guys to do that. I don't want you taking on that because you don't deserve it. I need to know that if things are screwed up for me that I can say, "Theresa is safe. Marcus is safe. My family is safe."
Does that make sense?
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*looks away from him*
Thats what I was trying to do. Why I didn't tell you the things that were happening. Cause I didn't want you to worry about me. I wanted you to believe I was safe. I wanted to be here for you, I wanted you to want me to be here for you. I didn't want you to not want me around. I thought that if you knew who or what I really was you wouldn't want me around anymore.
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Baby, you didn't deserve it. The only thing about you that made those things happen? Josh found you one night and became obsessed. This was all him and had nothing to do with us.
He's sick and twisted and we didn't ask for it. We didn't deserve it. He had no right to fuck with us. No right to hurt you.
*kisses the top of her head*
I know who you are, Theresa. You show me every day in the way you touch me, the things you say, the way you look at me. I know you, the real you, and there is nothing about you that will make me not want you. I'm in love with you. You got my heart, Baby.
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I want to believe you. I want to see me the way you do. I just...for so long his words, his voice has been stuck in my head and I get scared that its ruined the parts of me that were good.
*looks him in the eyes*
I love you so much. You have been the best thing in my life. I wouldn't even have a life if it wasn't for you. The one thing I still believe in is you. Through all this loving you is the one thing I am sure of.
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He's a liar, Tres. The things he said to you? He twisted words to make you hurt. To make you feel weak. You aren't. You're so much stronger than he is. Than he ever could hope to be.
Baby, I am floored by your strength and your ability to fight back. You have this huge heart and it just floors me. Because out of everyone in this world you could choose to channel that love to?
*smiles at her*
You picked me. So, believing in me is fine. Believing in us? Is great. One day, you're going to believe in yourself. Because you'll see you the way I see you. Then you'll understand.
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Loving you is the easy part. The other stuff I think I just have to take as it comes. I thought I was better so many times only to have things blindside me. I want to be better though.*shrugs* I think that means something. I'm glad we're here right now. Glad your parents let me stay with you.
*wraps arms around him, rests head on his chest*
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Maybe you and I can figure out how to get through it together.
*smoothes her hair gently*
I think for now. We hide away when we can and bug Marcus when he takes over the garage. I think there are a lot of different personalities in this house and I may be motivated to step out for air at night sooner than later.
*smiles a little*
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You'll get through this. Theres still alot of good things about being out in the dark. I think we'll get through this together. 'Til then hiding out sounds like a good idea. And anytime you want to go out for air, I'll be with you.
*leans in and kisses him*
It's gonna be okay.
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