(no subject)
Nick was bit last night. Drained. He almost died. And one of the new slayers, Candace, is dead. It was what I was most afraid of would happen. That I would be at home, and the phone would ring and there would be someone telling me that something had happened. Jake had called Carlos. Carlos came up to get me and take me to the hospital. At first I didn't want to believe him. I was angry at him for telling me such a crappy thing. Even though I knew he was telling me the truth. I just didn't want to believe him. Now I can't even look at him without thinking about how he told me.
When we got to the hospital everyone was there. They all just looked so dazed. So broken. Amber and Zoe were admitted too. So they were up in rooms. They wouldn't let anyone in to see Nick. So I just sat there by myself. Waiting. Marcus came up and talked to me at one point. He promised to get me in to see him when it was okay. He looked so...I know that look, I see it in the mirror most days when I bother to look. It the look of guilt, pain, anger, fear. It's the look you have when you feel like all these bad things are somehow your fault. Just that..in this case it wasn't his fault. Nick was doing what he felt he had to do. I don't know if I made any sense. I don't want him to hurt like that, but I get it. I just made him promise that he wasn't gonna do anything stupid. Cause I know that Nick would be lost if something else happened to his family. He left to go talk to Officer Jacobs and Xander and I went to Stafs is room. His family was gone and he was laying there hooked up to machines, battered and bruised.
I sat with him and I lost it. I don't understand any of this, it should be me in there, not Nick. All he's ever done is try to look out for his friends and family. He's never done anything to deserve this. Neither did Candace, or Stafs or Mr. Matthews. And they are dead or dying or hurt. And those of us who are truely guilty, are out walking around with not even a scratch. It doesn't make sense. I stayed in there for a long time. Crying until there wasnt anything left, then I got myself together and went back to my spot on the bench away from everyone else. By then he was stable and they said he was just sleeping. But I wasn't allowed to see him.
When morning came and I knew Momma would be noticing us gone, I called her and told her what had happened. Of course she came up, sat with me for a while, asked if I wanted to go to the chapel with her. I said no. I didn't really want to go anywhere until I could see him. I think I saw her talking to Mrs. Baker. Great. They can talk about how I have completely fucked up Nicks life. I'll probably be banned from seeing him at all.
Then came time that he could have visitors outside the family. Marcus went into see him then Xander then I got to go in. He looked so broken. It hurt to look at him. I was happy to see him alive and awake. I think he was expecting me to be mad at him. I could never be mad at him. He didn't do anything wrong, cept try to protect his friends. I finally broke down and told him what was going on. He had a severe reaction to it. One I am still processing. After making promises I know now I can never keep, I left him to get some rest.
I went to the park by the hospital to clear my head. I know it wasn't the best plan. It was almost dark, but really I didn't care anymore. I just needed to be alone. I sat on a park bench for hours, when I looked at my watch it said it was a little after midnight. Should have known better. I was walking back and then there was a group of vamps. And they were all yelling at me saying that I was the one responsible for souling them. I had no clue what the hell they were talking about 'til I looked past them and saw Josh off in the background smirking at me. I knew eventually he'd find a way around the charm. Pretty funny that I gave the charm up days ago. The vamps just kept surrounding me. Til one said that they just wanted their soul gone. I screamed back at them that I wish they all didn't have any souls either. I looked over at Josh and first he looked pissed and then he a smile creeped over his face and he said done.
The vamps sorta doubled over a little, I swear I saw one of them's eyes glow gold and then whatever it was that was happening, they were over it. They straightened up, and were no longer talking to me. Something had changed. They were looking at me like they were gonna feed off me and be happy to do so and I knew there was no getting out of it. They had already surrounded me. I stood there almost relieved that everything would finally be over, that the vamps were going to be the ones to kill me and even though Josh had set it up, he wasn't doing it himself. I stood there and waited for them to do to me what only the night before I had been terrified cause it had happened to Nick.
I don't remember much after that, cept I was all of a sudden some place else and there was the cutest, tiniest girl with bells tied in her hair standing there with me, scolding me about how I shouldn't be playing with vampires. I thanked her for saving me. I told her that the bells in her hair were very cool she beamed at me and hugged me and was telling me how I should wear hairbells that maybe it would scare the vamps away. And then poof disappeared. At first I was freaked that she poofed, cause I thought she was a vengence demon too. But she was way entirely too sweet to be a vengence demon.
I was only a block from the hospital, so I walked back there. I hit the restroom to make sure I didn't look like I had been set on a bunch of vamps. My clothes were a little messed up and I had a few scratches and stuff. But all and all, I've looked worse. I went and snuck in and saw that Nick was still sleeping. The I went to the chapel. I sat there and thought about what had all happened. Once again I should be dead. Once again I was saved just in time. I refuse to call it a miracle or any such bullshit like that. I refuse to give God credit for letting Candace die and Nick get hurt while I am still walking. How many people have been hurt because of me? Why am I still here then?
When we got to the hospital everyone was there. They all just looked so dazed. So broken. Amber and Zoe were admitted too. So they were up in rooms. They wouldn't let anyone in to see Nick. So I just sat there by myself. Waiting. Marcus came up and talked to me at one point. He promised to get me in to see him when it was okay. He looked so...I know that look, I see it in the mirror most days when I bother to look. It the look of guilt, pain, anger, fear. It's the look you have when you feel like all these bad things are somehow your fault. Just that..in this case it wasn't his fault. Nick was doing what he felt he had to do. I don't know if I made any sense. I don't want him to hurt like that, but I get it. I just made him promise that he wasn't gonna do anything stupid. Cause I know that Nick would be lost if something else happened to his family. He left to go talk to Officer Jacobs and Xander and I went to Stafs is room. His family was gone and he was laying there hooked up to machines, battered and bruised.
I sat with him and I lost it. I don't understand any of this, it should be me in there, not Nick. All he's ever done is try to look out for his friends and family. He's never done anything to deserve this. Neither did Candace, or Stafs or Mr. Matthews. And they are dead or dying or hurt. And those of us who are truely guilty, are out walking around with not even a scratch. It doesn't make sense. I stayed in there for a long time. Crying until there wasnt anything left, then I got myself together and went back to my spot on the bench away from everyone else. By then he was stable and they said he was just sleeping. But I wasn't allowed to see him.
When morning came and I knew Momma would be noticing us gone, I called her and told her what had happened. Of course she came up, sat with me for a while, asked if I wanted to go to the chapel with her. I said no. I didn't really want to go anywhere until I could see him. I think I saw her talking to Mrs. Baker. Great. They can talk about how I have completely fucked up Nicks life. I'll probably be banned from seeing him at all.
Then came time that he could have visitors outside the family. Marcus went into see him then Xander then I got to go in. He looked so broken. It hurt to look at him. I was happy to see him alive and awake. I think he was expecting me to be mad at him. I could never be mad at him. He didn't do anything wrong, cept try to protect his friends. I finally broke down and told him what was going on. He had a severe reaction to it. One I am still processing. After making promises I know now I can never keep, I left him to get some rest.
I went to the park by the hospital to clear my head. I know it wasn't the best plan. It was almost dark, but really I didn't care anymore. I just needed to be alone. I sat on a park bench for hours, when I looked at my watch it said it was a little after midnight. Should have known better. I was walking back and then there was a group of vamps. And they were all yelling at me saying that I was the one responsible for souling them. I had no clue what the hell they were talking about 'til I looked past them and saw Josh off in the background smirking at me. I knew eventually he'd find a way around the charm. Pretty funny that I gave the charm up days ago. The vamps just kept surrounding me. Til one said that they just wanted their soul gone. I screamed back at them that I wish they all didn't have any souls either. I looked over at Josh and first he looked pissed and then he a smile creeped over his face and he said done.
The vamps sorta doubled over a little, I swear I saw one of them's eyes glow gold and then whatever it was that was happening, they were over it. They straightened up, and were no longer talking to me. Something had changed. They were looking at me like they were gonna feed off me and be happy to do so and I knew there was no getting out of it. They had already surrounded me. I stood there almost relieved that everything would finally be over, that the vamps were going to be the ones to kill me and even though Josh had set it up, he wasn't doing it himself. I stood there and waited for them to do to me what only the night before I had been terrified cause it had happened to Nick.
I don't remember much after that, cept I was all of a sudden some place else and there was the cutest, tiniest girl with bells tied in her hair standing there with me, scolding me about how I shouldn't be playing with vampires. I thanked her for saving me. I told her that the bells in her hair were very cool she beamed at me and hugged me and was telling me how I should wear hairbells that maybe it would scare the vamps away. And then poof disappeared. At first I was freaked that she poofed, cause I thought she was a vengence demon too. But she was way entirely too sweet to be a vengence demon.
I was only a block from the hospital, so I walked back there. I hit the restroom to make sure I didn't look like I had been set on a bunch of vamps. My clothes were a little messed up and I had a few scratches and stuff. But all and all, I've looked worse. I went and snuck in and saw that Nick was still sleeping. The I went to the chapel. I sat there and thought about what had all happened. Once again I should be dead. Once again I was saved just in time. I refuse to call it a miracle or any such bullshit like that. I refuse to give God credit for letting Candace die and Nick get hurt while I am still walking. How many people have been hurt because of me? Why am I still here then?