Remembering Sunday [s/a]
Title: Remebering Sunday [s/a]
Ratings: PG 13 (Death of a child)
Disclaimer: I only own the plot line.
Summary: A literal take on Remebering Sunday.
Author's note: Just posting some old stuff back on my Journal. Comments are always appreciated :)
Alex lifted his heavy head from the soft crisp white pillow. He’d had the most wonderful dream about Sunday. They’d been to the park; she’d played on the swings and fed the ducks. Her little caramel coloured ringlets bounced over her soft porcelain face. She looked so pretty and happy and healthy. A little glow spread across her cheeks from the cold Baltimore air. Jack had come too meet them afterwards and drive them home, the perfect little family. It was all Alex had ever dreamed for and he had it, for a short fleeting time.
He shook the dream from his mind. It wasn’t true. Not anymore. He cast the duvet aside and placed his feet on the cold carpet. Desperate not to wake his sleeping husband he slowly moved to the wardrobe. Put on his usual Black skinnies, Sunday’s favorite T-shirt; a JAGK one. The purple one with Jack’s face on it, he’s wearing some turquoise sunglasses. It always made her laugh. After giving himself a quick check in the mirror, he headed towards the landing then made his way down the stairs.
Scanning through the kitchen he laid his eyes on a bottle of wine, vintage to be precise and Oh look, expensive too. Well it was a special occasion after all? Grabbing the bottle he headed for the door and put on his shoes, taking his first swig of many as he stepped out onto the porch. He looked over to Sundays’ yellow swing; Jack had made it for her. It was a about this time last year, she had just learnt to walk and was so much in love with the swing at the park, Jack wanted to giver her one of her own. She begged to go every day, he remembered her small hand constantly tugging at his skinny’s and on his shirt once he’d picked her up. That fiendish smile lighting up across her face, creating the cutest dimples as she asked her pestering question.
“Can we maybe please go to the park today, please Daddy?” her voice would be quiet, she’d finish the sentence and bite her lip, a character trait she’d picked up from both Jack and himself. Most importantly she’d refuse to make any eye contact until an answer was given. Alex assumed it was her way of making him feel guilty. He wished he’d said yes more often.
Alex started making his way to the park; it was well past two in the morning. He knew his way to the park better than he knew the way to his mom’s house. He’d been there so many times with Sunday. She loved it there. They always had the routine; all three would walk to the park hand in hand, then to the swings, then ice-crème, which would end up all over Sunday’s face and barley in her mouth. Once she claimed she was a stick monster and proceeded to make grabby hands at Jack to infect him with her stickiness. After the short break they would go and feed the ducks; Jack was always the one who threw the bread into the pond with her, the pair giggling as the ducks quacked simultaneously in order to gain their attention. The elder male, always hanging back on the iron bench to watch the same old scene unfold.
The lost boy found himself sat under the large oak tree at the north end of the park, he hadn’t been sober for days and today was no exception. The grass beneath him sloped down to the vast expanse of the remainder of the park. He could see everything from up here, the pond, the swings, and their house. He lent into the breeze it was suddenly too much, the alcohol finally kicked in; making his tears run lose and freely remembering Sunday he falls to his knees.
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The ‘bong’ of the monitor finally wakes the girl up from her slumber. Her caramel bangs in the way of her eyelids which begin to flutter open, her grasp on Bunny, her favorite teddy, tightening. A small yawn escaping from the back of her throat, catching her fathers attention. Alex turns in the uncomfortable hospital chair to face her, his back making the faintest of cracking sound. He’d slept there all night.
“Hey Sunday, how are you feeling baby girl?” his hand moved to her forehead. It was a parent thing to do; check their child’s temperature with their hand. Knowing it was a nowhere near accurate enough measurement of their well-being. But still it was comforting to Alex to feel like he was helping.
“I’m good, Daddy. I’m feeling good.” Sunday replied, using her little hand to sweep her fathers hand from her forehead. Alex flashed her a smile.
“Awesome, want to eat some breakfast with me and Jacky? Its boiled eggs and soldiers, your favorite.” He knew his little girl could not resist the temptation of eggy soldiers. They always had breakfast together.
“Huh-uh” she nodded her head furiously. Alex’s signature smile creeping onto her face, a beautiful characteristic she’d picked up from him. He loved it. Alex turned to nudge Jack awake; he too had slept at the hospital. The boy awoke from his slumber somewhat startled and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Then began his odd routine of stretching every muscle in his body; wrists flicking, toes curling and back arching. Sunday giggling at her other fathers facial expressions as he did so.
Alex left the room to tell the nurses their breakfast request. He was lucky that the hospital were so accommodating to their needs. The staff was so lovely to the family. It didn’t matter what time visitors came, they were always allowed in.
When he returned, Sunday was out of her bed running around in her gown squealing at all the new hospital toys at the far end of the room. Her eyes light up once she saw the pink and white plastic play house, complete with a purple roof of course, not to mention the pink stable door. The windows had pretend flower boxes outside and pink and purple daisy shaped stickers littered the outside of the structure. Sunday ran over to the house.
“Hey Jacky, come play in the house with me!” She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin, as she led him away. Alex could only smile at the pair. Jack knelt down outside the playhouse as he was far too big to fit in but you could tell from the expression on his face; she left him dying to get in.
That day; was a good day.
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Alex hated it when it rained. Everything looked so bleak. Yet Sunday always loved playing in the rain, she’d giggle and squeal as the rain pattered on her pink raincoat hood. She had to, absolutely had to stomp in every puddle, the bigger the better. Her little pink wellies slowly turning black. Alex pulled his mind back to the present situation. Sunday was sleeping more than normal today, that was bad sign, but she’d make it through. She was a strong little girl.
“Do you believe in God? Daddy?” she asked offhandedly. Her eyes still glued to the book she was ‘reading’. Alex was pretty sure she wasn’t old enough to understand half the words in the Sleeping Beauty storybook she had glued to her hands.
“Well, erm. Of course I do.” He furrowed his brow, wondering where the conversation was leading too.
“So you believe I’ll go to heaven because I’ve been good?” He wasn’t sure what sparked such a thought in such a young mind, but Sunday hadn’t had the easiest of times and maybe she’d just gown up more than he’d have liked.
“Yes, yes darling of course you will, but not yet, not for a very, very long time. I want you to watch me and Jacky grow old together, yeah?” He looked over to Jack sleep in the chair, again.
“I don’t believe in God… I think if he existed then I wouldn’t be ill in the first place so I think I’ll go to sleep when I die.” Sunday stopped and looked upwards to Alex, who now had tears in his eyes “and Daddy?” The girl continued.
“Yeah?” his voiced cracked.
“Your already both old fogies!” her words turning to a giggle towards the end, that same old smile sneaking back onto her face as she returned to her book. Scrunching her brow as she tried to pronounce some of the words silently to herself. Alex could see he brain working over time as she bit her lip in concentration. Yet another habit she’d picked up from both her fathers. A tear rolled down Alex’s cheek, he quickly wiped it away, hoping no one saw he, returned to his magazine.
Later that night Sunday’s condition had plummeted, for unknown reasons, according to the Doctors. After finishing her Sleeping Beauty book she had gone to sleep and was yet to wake up. Very uncharacteristic of her, causing alarm in Jack’s mind, he notified the doctor. He ran various tests and such, with the ‘diagnosis’ of “she’s very weak right now, we are unsure why gentlemen, but will keep looking into her case.”
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The next morning was when Sunday finally woke from her slumber. It was only for a few minuets but it was still a good sign. Her eyes twitched open as her pupils adjusted to the fluorescent hospital lighting. The little girl rubbed her eyes vigorously, removing the sleep from them. Catching her fathers’ eye, in the process making Alex jump into life.
“Daddy, where’s Jacky?” it was almost a mumble but Alex could understand everyone word. He was so thankful his little girl had woken up. In an effort to keep her awake he replied, asking a question, just as the nurses has suggested he do. He brought his face closer to her so that she could focus on him.
“He’s just gone for some food, you want me to ring him to get you something?” He kissed her forehead, again checking for a temperature. Temperatures always meant bad things. If Alex had learnt anything from being a parent it was that a temperature was bad. He was please to feel no raise in temperature on his lips.
“No, Let me know when he comes back.” Her eyes rolled into the back of her head as her eyelids dropped back to there resting position. Alex panicked when her eyes lolled backwards; scared she might have been going into a fit. It took a few seconds for him to realize she was going back to sleep; he didn’t know if sleep it a fit was worse right now.
“Baby, please don’t go back to sleep, I want to talk to you. I love you.” It was too late; Sunday was already far away in the land of dreams and touring. Both boys had promised her they would take her on tour next year, once the album was released. She would always want to listen to the ‘tour stories’ of the boys and crew. Of course Jack and Alex told the clean versions. Her favorite ones were usually about Matt getting mad at Alex and Jack, she used to giggle and giggle at those stories.
Once Jack returned from the Hospital canteen, Alex was quick to tell Sunday in a desperate bid it may catch her attention in her dreams and bring her back to reality. However harsh that sounded, he just wanted her to himself. She was his dream.
“Hey Sunday, Jacky’s here.” The hopefulness in his voice mixed with desperation.
“Jacky? Daddy?” Her hand rubbed over her face, her eyes opening again. She mustn’t have been in that deeper sleep. That just meant she was too tired to replay to earlier, a bad sign.
“Yes…” Alex held his breath, praying to god for a reply.
“I -I love you. Thank-you for taking me to the swings Daddy and Jacky,” she took a deep breath in and lazily blinked, “thank-you for feeding the Duckies with me.”
“Thank-you for letting us. W-we love you too.” Alex could hear his voice breaking; he didn’t want to panic her so promptly shut her mouth. Jack took over; he was always the stronger one of the two.
“Yes we both love you so much darling” He swept the caramel curls from her place face and softly ran his hand through her fine hair. She nodded and shut her eyes slowly, flickering before they hit the bottom of her lids. Her grasp on Bunny loosening.
“Sunday?” Alex gasped. The monitor by her side bonged a few times, before the heart rate bleep began to slow. Bleep, bleep, bleep. “Sunday! Wake up, now!” Alex’s voice was desperate; he pleaded with the little girl as Jack hit the red alarm button on the wall behind the bed, signaling to the nurses that assistance was definitely required. The butterflies flew around Alex’s stomach, filling his gut but these were not good butterflies.
Sunday’s face was still, her expression peaceful. She looked as if she were sleeping. In a way she was.
Nurses and Doctors ran into the side room. Unfamiliar faces crowding around the child’s bed. Scattering away any toys that lay beside her, casting them towards the floor. They weren’t important and wouldn’t help in the situation. Alex picked Bunny up from the floor as he too was battered out of the way by a large nurse.
“Hey? HEY! Let me in, that’s my daughter! HEY! MOVE! Please I want to be with her!” Alex on the verge of tears, he pleads and he tries. He looked at the consultant doctor at the head of the bed who was coordinating the crash team, hoping he’d make the group part and let him in. But he’s only denied.
“Mr. Gaskarth could you please wait outside?” His voice was raised slightly, assertive. Alex looked up, shocked at the reply. She couldn’t be that bad. Another flood of nurses and specialist’s dispersed in through the double doors, along with various machines, ventilators, heart monitor’s and crash carts.
Time felt like it was slowing down as everyone rushed around him, Jack slowly pulled him to the back of the room out of the way. He felt so useless, he should be able to help, he was Sunday’s Dad. The one person that could make the monster’s disappear from under the bed, the one that made her breakfast and taught her lullabies and nursery rhymes.
That’s when he saw the crash pads being placed on her chest and her tiny heart shaped mouth being forcefully opened, to be ventilated. No, no it couldn’t end this way. She was going to get better. She was going to make it. Her little body couldn’t take any more probing and tests.
No, no, no, no. Now he’s dying to get inside.
All Alex wanted to do was lie next to her, smooth her caramel coloured ringlets away from her face. Just, hold her close to his chest so that she could listen to their hearts, beating in time. He wanted to tell her, he loved her and to just stay with him, stay awake because he didn’t know how he’d live without her. He wanted to take her place. He broke.
“SUNDAY! SUNDAY!” Alex pushed his way from the back of the room, from Jack’s hold, dashing towards his baby girl. The nurses blocked his way. He fought hard against their arms, scrambling and scratching. He made grabby hands trying in sheer desperation to grab onto the bed, to pull him close.
Alex started flailing his arms in any direction he could, he just wanted to get through, he needed to get though. He didn’t care whom it hit or what implements he knocked over his only goal was to get by his daughters side. His heart beat as as the adrenalin surged, this was fight or flight and he was fighting, not just for his own life but hers.
The tears sobbed down his contorted face, as he continued to scream the girls name. It broke Jacks heart to hear Alex that broken but there was nothing the dark haired boy could do to stop his lover. He simply couldn’t move from the spot at the back of the room. Hand over his mouth as the tears poured at the drama in front of him.
The little girls chest arched up and down after shouting clear. The heart monitor remained a constant beep. The voltage was upped. Her chest arching again. The same monotone beep filled the room. Alex cried. His hands still grasping for any type of purchase on the bedding as the nurses continued to elbow him out of the way for his own safety.
“Please, please... let me in” He gasped between breaths, his chest rising and falling heavily as he panted. His deep brown eyes were red and puffy, every muscle in his body was tensed, full of fight and vigor. His body felt like it had just played to a sold out show. Yet Alex himself was at the beginning of a black hole of desperation, shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger and depression.
“Mr. Barakat could you please restrain your husband?” The consultant shocked Jack back into the situation as his voice echoed over the monitors’ constant tone. Shit. Alex. His arms were now squeezing past the human blockade of hospital staff as their daughter crashed.
“Alex, Alex! Calm down, let the doctors do their work” The younger boy sped to the elders position and began to grapple with his arms, trying to force them behind his back. A few nurses could tell he was struggling and so joined the effort in restraining the broken farther. Alex struggled against all three of them, thrashing in every direction possible. He couldn’t give up now, he was so close to being next to her.
“Lex, Lex!” Jack brought his mouth close to the others ear, brushing his nose into the purple strands of unwashed hair. “Please, your scaring me” he whispered. In that second Alex gave up. He turned to face Jack as the realization hit. Alex didn’t even realize he had been crying the whole time; he wrapped his arms around Jack. The pair intertwining their bodies sobbing in to each others shoulders, listening to that fucking monotone beep, followed by a high pitched static then the thud as her body hit the mattress. The sounds repeated themselves for another five excruciating minuets. After each thud both fathers buried their faces deeper into the cavity of each others necks, hoping to shield themselves from the noise.
“She lost her way, I’m sorry.” The nurses voice was soft and compassionate. It didn’t help.The room slowly emptied. Leaving the family alone again. Sunday lay on the bed like a little doll, hands placed against her sides, eyelids soft and lifeless, lips turning a purplish hue. At the side of the bed Jack and Alex stand holding each other. Alex still clutching onto Bunny, which had fallen from his daughters grasp in the earlier rush. He petted the white rabbits head comfortingly before loosening his grip on Jack and moved to place bunny back to its home. Moving Sunday’s left arm and shuffling it to lie on her chest, tucking Bunny safely underneath it. He looked to the window. Funny how it rained all day. Alex didn’t think much of it then and returned to the safe hold of Jack.
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The lost boy returned his thoughts to the tree he was slumped against. It started to all make sense, he could see now. The clouds hadn’t moved since her death, they were following him in his desperate endeavor to find her and himself again.
Alex returned from his walk to the park to find Jack already in his suit, eating egg-y soldiers at the kitchen table. Sundays’ favorite. A single tear left Alex’s left duct as he closed his eyes. It trailed down his cheek, pooling at the jaw line.
“I’m drunk,” he mumbled.
“I know,” Jack replied. “I know.” He moved over to the purple haired boy, glass of water in hand. “Let’s get you upstairs and dressed, yeah?”
Jack coxed the lost boy up to the bedroom and practically undressed him then re-dressed him in his best suit. A black blazer and dress pants, much like his own. However underneath remained Sunday’s favorite Jagk T-shirt, whilst Jack had donned a white shirt and black skinny tie. Alex just sipped on his glass of water, which at regular intervals Jack had refreshed for him.
The older boy left the room once Jack had dressed him, not saying a single word. He just left. Jack sighed; he would deal with him later and right now he had to take care of himself. He had just a half hour before the car arrived and looked somewhat messy from sorting out Alex. He headed to the bathroom to fix his hair.
“Alex, Alex where are you? The car’s outside!” The boy walked down the stairs, a piece of lined paper in his right hand and his Black Acoustic guitar in his left. Jack hoped the paper contained his speech, he had yet to write it. Jack had pushed Alex for the past week to write something, dreading to think of the mess Alex could work himself into if he didn’t have a plan at the crematorium.
“I’m ready.” Both boys left the house and walked silently to the black Lincon. Both stopping outside the Volvo in front which carried their daughter. Such a small coffin. Black and simple, no fuss, with pink and yellow Daisy’s arranged around it. Jack wound his fingers into Alex’s squeezing tightly, as the boy rested his head on Jack’s jacket shoulder.
“I miss her,” Alex whispered, he sounded so lost and broken. Jack embraced him, placing precious kisses into his purple hair, breathing him in.
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“Now Alex would like to say some words about Sunday” The minister beckoned Alex forward. The old wooden pew creaked as he rose, drawing all eyes towards him. Guitar and paper still in hand, although the paper was now somewhat crumpled. The boy kept tight hold of Jack’s hand as he began to move towards the minister, Jack being pulled from his seat. It wasn’t until they got to the front Jack finally asked what was going on. Alex thrust the guitar into Jack’s grip and told him to play a few chords alternately for four strums then five then four… and to improvise.
“Please I need you Jack,” the lost boy added. Then addressed the room, “I… I erm… I wrote a song. It’s called… Remembering Sunday. “ Alex had never suffered from stage fright before but as he looked out to the sea of faces, most now in tears he suddenly left so afraid. His eyes widened and his breath hitched as Jack began to strum, Alex looked out and saw Zack, Rian, Matt, Evan, Vinny, his mum, his Dad, Jack’s Mum and Dad, everyone. Everyone that ever met Sunday, that loved her.
Alex began to sing.
He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past two in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days
Leaning now into the breeze remembering Sunday
He falls to his knees, they had breakfast together
But two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs
Now this place seems familiar to him
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him away, she led him away
Left him dying to get in
Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to stay with me
And even though she doesn't believe in God
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut
Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside
Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to stay with me
The nurses said, she lost her way
Funny how it rained all day
I didn't think much of it then
But it's starting to all make sense
Oh, I can see now
That all of these clouds are following me
In my desperate endeavor
To find my whoever, wherever she may be
Remembering Sunday I fall to my knees.
Ratings: PG 13 (Death of a child)
Disclaimer: I only own the plot line.
Summary: A literal take on Remebering Sunday.
Author's note: Just posting some old stuff back on my Journal. Comments are always appreciated :)
Alex lifted his heavy head from the soft crisp white pillow. He’d had the most wonderful dream about Sunday. They’d been to the park; she’d played on the swings and fed the ducks. Her little caramel coloured ringlets bounced over her soft porcelain face. She looked so pretty and happy and healthy. A little glow spread across her cheeks from the cold Baltimore air. Jack had come too meet them afterwards and drive them home, the perfect little family. It was all Alex had ever dreamed for and he had it, for a short fleeting time.
He shook the dream from his mind. It wasn’t true. Not anymore. He cast the duvet aside and placed his feet on the cold carpet. Desperate not to wake his sleeping husband he slowly moved to the wardrobe. Put on his usual Black skinnies, Sunday’s favorite T-shirt; a JAGK one. The purple one with Jack’s face on it, he’s wearing some turquoise sunglasses. It always made her laugh. After giving himself a quick check in the mirror, he headed towards the landing then made his way down the stairs.
Scanning through the kitchen he laid his eyes on a bottle of wine, vintage to be precise and Oh look, expensive too. Well it was a special occasion after all? Grabbing the bottle he headed for the door and put on his shoes, taking his first swig of many as he stepped out onto the porch. He looked over to Sundays’ yellow swing; Jack had made it for her. It was a about this time last year, she had just learnt to walk and was so much in love with the swing at the park, Jack wanted to giver her one of her own. She begged to go every day, he remembered her small hand constantly tugging at his skinny’s and on his shirt once he’d picked her up. That fiendish smile lighting up across her face, creating the cutest dimples as she asked her pestering question.
“Can we maybe please go to the park today, please Daddy?” her voice would be quiet, she’d finish the sentence and bite her lip, a character trait she’d picked up from both Jack and himself. Most importantly she’d refuse to make any eye contact until an answer was given. Alex assumed it was her way of making him feel guilty. He wished he’d said yes more often.
Alex started making his way to the park; it was well past two in the morning. He knew his way to the park better than he knew the way to his mom’s house. He’d been there so many times with Sunday. She loved it there. They always had the routine; all three would walk to the park hand in hand, then to the swings, then ice-crème, which would end up all over Sunday’s face and barley in her mouth. Once she claimed she was a stick monster and proceeded to make grabby hands at Jack to infect him with her stickiness. After the short break they would go and feed the ducks; Jack was always the one who threw the bread into the pond with her, the pair giggling as the ducks quacked simultaneously in order to gain their attention. The elder male, always hanging back on the iron bench to watch the same old scene unfold.
The lost boy found himself sat under the large oak tree at the north end of the park, he hadn’t been sober for days and today was no exception. The grass beneath him sloped down to the vast expanse of the remainder of the park. He could see everything from up here, the pond, the swings, and their house. He lent into the breeze it was suddenly too much, the alcohol finally kicked in; making his tears run lose and freely remembering Sunday he falls to his knees.
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The ‘bong’ of the monitor finally wakes the girl up from her slumber. Her caramel bangs in the way of her eyelids which begin to flutter open, her grasp on Bunny, her favorite teddy, tightening. A small yawn escaping from the back of her throat, catching her fathers attention. Alex turns in the uncomfortable hospital chair to face her, his back making the faintest of cracking sound. He’d slept there all night.
“Hey Sunday, how are you feeling baby girl?” his hand moved to her forehead. It was a parent thing to do; check their child’s temperature with their hand. Knowing it was a nowhere near accurate enough measurement of their well-being. But still it was comforting to Alex to feel like he was helping.
“I’m good, Daddy. I’m feeling good.” Sunday replied, using her little hand to sweep her fathers hand from her forehead. Alex flashed her a smile.
“Awesome, want to eat some breakfast with me and Jacky? Its boiled eggs and soldiers, your favorite.” He knew his little girl could not resist the temptation of eggy soldiers. They always had breakfast together.
“Huh-uh” she nodded her head furiously. Alex’s signature smile creeping onto her face, a beautiful characteristic she’d picked up from him. He loved it. Alex turned to nudge Jack awake; he too had slept at the hospital. The boy awoke from his slumber somewhat startled and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Then began his odd routine of stretching every muscle in his body; wrists flicking, toes curling and back arching. Sunday giggling at her other fathers facial expressions as he did so.
Alex left the room to tell the nurses their breakfast request. He was lucky that the hospital were so accommodating to their needs. The staff was so lovely to the family. It didn’t matter what time visitors came, they were always allowed in.
When he returned, Sunday was out of her bed running around in her gown squealing at all the new hospital toys at the far end of the room. Her eyes light up once she saw the pink and white plastic play house, complete with a purple roof of course, not to mention the pink stable door. The windows had pretend flower boxes outside and pink and purple daisy shaped stickers littered the outside of the structure. Sunday ran over to the house.
“Hey Jacky, come play in the house with me!” She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin, as she led him away. Alex could only smile at the pair. Jack knelt down outside the playhouse as he was far too big to fit in but you could tell from the expression on his face; she left him dying to get in.
That day; was a good day.
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Alex hated it when it rained. Everything looked so bleak. Yet Sunday always loved playing in the rain, she’d giggle and squeal as the rain pattered on her pink raincoat hood. She had to, absolutely had to stomp in every puddle, the bigger the better. Her little pink wellies slowly turning black. Alex pulled his mind back to the present situation. Sunday was sleeping more than normal today, that was bad sign, but she’d make it through. She was a strong little girl.
“Do you believe in God? Daddy?” she asked offhandedly. Her eyes still glued to the book she was ‘reading’. Alex was pretty sure she wasn’t old enough to understand half the words in the Sleeping Beauty storybook she had glued to her hands.
“Well, erm. Of course I do.” He furrowed his brow, wondering where the conversation was leading too.
“So you believe I’ll go to heaven because I’ve been good?” He wasn’t sure what sparked such a thought in such a young mind, but Sunday hadn’t had the easiest of times and maybe she’d just gown up more than he’d have liked.
“Yes, yes darling of course you will, but not yet, not for a very, very long time. I want you to watch me and Jacky grow old together, yeah?” He looked over to Jack sleep in the chair, again.
“I don’t believe in God… I think if he existed then I wouldn’t be ill in the first place so I think I’ll go to sleep when I die.” Sunday stopped and looked upwards to Alex, who now had tears in his eyes “and Daddy?” The girl continued.
“Yeah?” his voiced cracked.
“Your already both old fogies!” her words turning to a giggle towards the end, that same old smile sneaking back onto her face as she returned to her book. Scrunching her brow as she tried to pronounce some of the words silently to herself. Alex could see he brain working over time as she bit her lip in concentration. Yet another habit she’d picked up from both her fathers. A tear rolled down Alex’s cheek, he quickly wiped it away, hoping no one saw he, returned to his magazine.
Later that night Sunday’s condition had plummeted, for unknown reasons, according to the Doctors. After finishing her Sleeping Beauty book she had gone to sleep and was yet to wake up. Very uncharacteristic of her, causing alarm in Jack’s mind, he notified the doctor. He ran various tests and such, with the ‘diagnosis’ of “she’s very weak right now, we are unsure why gentlemen, but will keep looking into her case.”
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The next morning was when Sunday finally woke from her slumber. It was only for a few minuets but it was still a good sign. Her eyes twitched open as her pupils adjusted to the fluorescent hospital lighting. The little girl rubbed her eyes vigorously, removing the sleep from them. Catching her fathers’ eye, in the process making Alex jump into life.
“Daddy, where’s Jacky?” it was almost a mumble but Alex could understand everyone word. He was so thankful his little girl had woken up. In an effort to keep her awake he replied, asking a question, just as the nurses has suggested he do. He brought his face closer to her so that she could focus on him.
“He’s just gone for some food, you want me to ring him to get you something?” He kissed her forehead, again checking for a temperature. Temperatures always meant bad things. If Alex had learnt anything from being a parent it was that a temperature was bad. He was please to feel no raise in temperature on his lips.
“No, Let me know when he comes back.” Her eyes rolled into the back of her head as her eyelids dropped back to there resting position. Alex panicked when her eyes lolled backwards; scared she might have been going into a fit. It took a few seconds for him to realize she was going back to sleep; he didn’t know if sleep it a fit was worse right now.
“Baby, please don’t go back to sleep, I want to talk to you. I love you.” It was too late; Sunday was already far away in the land of dreams and touring. Both boys had promised her they would take her on tour next year, once the album was released. She would always want to listen to the ‘tour stories’ of the boys and crew. Of course Jack and Alex told the clean versions. Her favorite ones were usually about Matt getting mad at Alex and Jack, she used to giggle and giggle at those stories.
Once Jack returned from the Hospital canteen, Alex was quick to tell Sunday in a desperate bid it may catch her attention in her dreams and bring her back to reality. However harsh that sounded, he just wanted her to himself. She was his dream.
“Hey Sunday, Jacky’s here.” The hopefulness in his voice mixed with desperation.
“Jacky? Daddy?” Her hand rubbed over her face, her eyes opening again. She mustn’t have been in that deeper sleep. That just meant she was too tired to replay to earlier, a bad sign.
“Yes…” Alex held his breath, praying to god for a reply.
“I -I love you. Thank-you for taking me to the swings Daddy and Jacky,” she took a deep breath in and lazily blinked, “thank-you for feeding the Duckies with me.”
“Thank-you for letting us. W-we love you too.” Alex could hear his voice breaking; he didn’t want to panic her so promptly shut her mouth. Jack took over; he was always the stronger one of the two.
“Yes we both love you so much darling” He swept the caramel curls from her place face and softly ran his hand through her fine hair. She nodded and shut her eyes slowly, flickering before they hit the bottom of her lids. Her grasp on Bunny loosening.
“Sunday?” Alex gasped. The monitor by her side bonged a few times, before the heart rate bleep began to slow. Bleep, bleep, bleep. “Sunday! Wake up, now!” Alex’s voice was desperate; he pleaded with the little girl as Jack hit the red alarm button on the wall behind the bed, signaling to the nurses that assistance was definitely required. The butterflies flew around Alex’s stomach, filling his gut but these were not good butterflies.
Sunday’s face was still, her expression peaceful. She looked as if she were sleeping. In a way she was.
Nurses and Doctors ran into the side room. Unfamiliar faces crowding around the child’s bed. Scattering away any toys that lay beside her, casting them towards the floor. They weren’t important and wouldn’t help in the situation. Alex picked Bunny up from the floor as he too was battered out of the way by a large nurse.
“Hey? HEY! Let me in, that’s my daughter! HEY! MOVE! Please I want to be with her!” Alex on the verge of tears, he pleads and he tries. He looked at the consultant doctor at the head of the bed who was coordinating the crash team, hoping he’d make the group part and let him in. But he’s only denied.
“Mr. Gaskarth could you please wait outside?” His voice was raised slightly, assertive. Alex looked up, shocked at the reply. She couldn’t be that bad. Another flood of nurses and specialist’s dispersed in through the double doors, along with various machines, ventilators, heart monitor’s and crash carts.
Time felt like it was slowing down as everyone rushed around him, Jack slowly pulled him to the back of the room out of the way. He felt so useless, he should be able to help, he was Sunday’s Dad. The one person that could make the monster’s disappear from under the bed, the one that made her breakfast and taught her lullabies and nursery rhymes.
That’s when he saw the crash pads being placed on her chest and her tiny heart shaped mouth being forcefully opened, to be ventilated. No, no it couldn’t end this way. She was going to get better. She was going to make it. Her little body couldn’t take any more probing and tests.
No, no, no, no. Now he’s dying to get inside.
All Alex wanted to do was lie next to her, smooth her caramel coloured ringlets away from her face. Just, hold her close to his chest so that she could listen to their hearts, beating in time. He wanted to tell her, he loved her and to just stay with him, stay awake because he didn’t know how he’d live without her. He wanted to take her place. He broke.
“SUNDAY! SUNDAY!” Alex pushed his way from the back of the room, from Jack’s hold, dashing towards his baby girl. The nurses blocked his way. He fought hard against their arms, scrambling and scratching. He made grabby hands trying in sheer desperation to grab onto the bed, to pull him close.
Alex started flailing his arms in any direction he could, he just wanted to get through, he needed to get though. He didn’t care whom it hit or what implements he knocked over his only goal was to get by his daughters side. His heart beat as as the adrenalin surged, this was fight or flight and he was fighting, not just for his own life but hers.
The tears sobbed down his contorted face, as he continued to scream the girls name. It broke Jacks heart to hear Alex that broken but there was nothing the dark haired boy could do to stop his lover. He simply couldn’t move from the spot at the back of the room. Hand over his mouth as the tears poured at the drama in front of him.
The little girls chest arched up and down after shouting clear. The heart monitor remained a constant beep. The voltage was upped. Her chest arching again. The same monotone beep filled the room. Alex cried. His hands still grasping for any type of purchase on the bedding as the nurses continued to elbow him out of the way for his own safety.
“Please, please... let me in” He gasped between breaths, his chest rising and falling heavily as he panted. His deep brown eyes were red and puffy, every muscle in his body was tensed, full of fight and vigor. His body felt like it had just played to a sold out show. Yet Alex himself was at the beginning of a black hole of desperation, shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger and depression.
“Mr. Barakat could you please restrain your husband?” The consultant shocked Jack back into the situation as his voice echoed over the monitors’ constant tone. Shit. Alex. His arms were now squeezing past the human blockade of hospital staff as their daughter crashed.
“Alex, Alex! Calm down, let the doctors do their work” The younger boy sped to the elders position and began to grapple with his arms, trying to force them behind his back. A few nurses could tell he was struggling and so joined the effort in restraining the broken farther. Alex struggled against all three of them, thrashing in every direction possible. He couldn’t give up now, he was so close to being next to her.
“Lex, Lex!” Jack brought his mouth close to the others ear, brushing his nose into the purple strands of unwashed hair. “Please, your scaring me” he whispered. In that second Alex gave up. He turned to face Jack as the realization hit. Alex didn’t even realize he had been crying the whole time; he wrapped his arms around Jack. The pair intertwining their bodies sobbing in to each others shoulders, listening to that fucking monotone beep, followed by a high pitched static then the thud as her body hit the mattress. The sounds repeated themselves for another five excruciating minuets. After each thud both fathers buried their faces deeper into the cavity of each others necks, hoping to shield themselves from the noise.
“She lost her way, I’m sorry.” The nurses voice was soft and compassionate. It didn’t help.The room slowly emptied. Leaving the family alone again. Sunday lay on the bed like a little doll, hands placed against her sides, eyelids soft and lifeless, lips turning a purplish hue. At the side of the bed Jack and Alex stand holding each other. Alex still clutching onto Bunny, which had fallen from his daughters grasp in the earlier rush. He petted the white rabbits head comfortingly before loosening his grip on Jack and moved to place bunny back to its home. Moving Sunday’s left arm and shuffling it to lie on her chest, tucking Bunny safely underneath it. He looked to the window. Funny how it rained all day. Alex didn’t think much of it then and returned to the safe hold of Jack.
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The lost boy returned his thoughts to the tree he was slumped against. It started to all make sense, he could see now. The clouds hadn’t moved since her death, they were following him in his desperate endeavor to find her and himself again.
Alex returned from his walk to the park to find Jack already in his suit, eating egg-y soldiers at the kitchen table. Sundays’ favorite. A single tear left Alex’s left duct as he closed his eyes. It trailed down his cheek, pooling at the jaw line.
“I’m drunk,” he mumbled.
“I know,” Jack replied. “I know.” He moved over to the purple haired boy, glass of water in hand. “Let’s get you upstairs and dressed, yeah?”
Jack coxed the lost boy up to the bedroom and practically undressed him then re-dressed him in his best suit. A black blazer and dress pants, much like his own. However underneath remained Sunday’s favorite Jagk T-shirt, whilst Jack had donned a white shirt and black skinny tie. Alex just sipped on his glass of water, which at regular intervals Jack had refreshed for him.
The older boy left the room once Jack had dressed him, not saying a single word. He just left. Jack sighed; he would deal with him later and right now he had to take care of himself. He had just a half hour before the car arrived and looked somewhat messy from sorting out Alex. He headed to the bathroom to fix his hair.
“Alex, Alex where are you? The car’s outside!” The boy walked down the stairs, a piece of lined paper in his right hand and his Black Acoustic guitar in his left. Jack hoped the paper contained his speech, he had yet to write it. Jack had pushed Alex for the past week to write something, dreading to think of the mess Alex could work himself into if he didn’t have a plan at the crematorium.
“I’m ready.” Both boys left the house and walked silently to the black Lincon. Both stopping outside the Volvo in front which carried their daughter. Such a small coffin. Black and simple, no fuss, with pink and yellow Daisy’s arranged around it. Jack wound his fingers into Alex’s squeezing tightly, as the boy rested his head on Jack’s jacket shoulder.
“I miss her,” Alex whispered, he sounded so lost and broken. Jack embraced him, placing precious kisses into his purple hair, breathing him in.
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“Now Alex would like to say some words about Sunday” The minister beckoned Alex forward. The old wooden pew creaked as he rose, drawing all eyes towards him. Guitar and paper still in hand, although the paper was now somewhat crumpled. The boy kept tight hold of Jack’s hand as he began to move towards the minister, Jack being pulled from his seat. It wasn’t until they got to the front Jack finally asked what was going on. Alex thrust the guitar into Jack’s grip and told him to play a few chords alternately for four strums then five then four… and to improvise.
“Please I need you Jack,” the lost boy added. Then addressed the room, “I… I erm… I wrote a song. It’s called… Remembering Sunday. “ Alex had never suffered from stage fright before but as he looked out to the sea of faces, most now in tears he suddenly left so afraid. His eyes widened and his breath hitched as Jack began to strum, Alex looked out and saw Zack, Rian, Matt, Evan, Vinny, his mum, his Dad, Jack’s Mum and Dad, everyone. Everyone that ever met Sunday, that loved her.
Alex began to sing.
He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past two in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days
Leaning now into the breeze remembering Sunday
He falls to his knees, they had breakfast together
But two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs
Now this place seems familiar to him
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him away, she led him away
Left him dying to get in
Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to stay with me
And even though she doesn't believe in God
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut
Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside
Forgive me, I'm trying to find
My calling, I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams
And it's driving me crazy, it seems
I'm gonna ask her to stay with me
The nurses said, she lost her way
Funny how it rained all day
I didn't think much of it then
But it's starting to all make sense
Oh, I can see now
That all of these clouds are following me
In my desperate endeavor
To find my whoever, wherever she may be
Remembering Sunday I fall to my knees.