the ramblings of a broken man
I can't sleep, I keep thinking of what I shouldn't and I can't stop myself. I would put that in more poetic terms but I am out of words other then I am unbelievably dismayed. The same idea keeps running through my head and I can't stop it: Don't make someone as your priority when you are their option. This phrase as been running through my head all day, and it seems to be more and more true of current circumstances. I just wished I could for once find someone that I want to be with and they also in turn want to be with me. Is that too much to ask? Why does this have to be soo hard? Isn't life hard enough?
I still believe karma is after me and teaching me the lessons that I never cared to learn in the past, and now I am paying the price for my past sins. I am learning what it is to be on the other side of the spectrum. I have in the past treated curtain people incorrectly, manipulating and deceiving and in some ways using them for my own benefit; for awhile, i perceived girls as a means to an end for something to entertain me. I, of course, didn't always had this notion but it was more like a response to an ended relationship with the one person I truly loved, and who I would never get back with. I was angry at women for quite a bit and probably still am to a degree. And now karma is showing me what is like to be used and jaded. I just hope it is not an on going thing, because I do believe I have suffered enough. Ironically I wanted to stay away from women all together for awhile and for a bit I was actually ok, with no problems with that but then life loves to mess with me and yet again I am placed in a situation I never wanted to be in the first place. It is a freaken loop I am in, and I can't get out.
I still believe karma is after me and teaching me the lessons that I never cared to learn in the past, and now I am paying the price for my past sins. I am learning what it is to be on the other side of the spectrum. I have in the past treated curtain people incorrectly, manipulating and deceiving and in some ways using them for my own benefit; for awhile, i perceived girls as a means to an end for something to entertain me. I, of course, didn't always had this notion but it was more like a response to an ended relationship with the one person I truly loved, and who I would never get back with. I was angry at women for quite a bit and probably still am to a degree. And now karma is showing me what is like to be used and jaded. I just hope it is not an on going thing, because I do believe I have suffered enough. Ironically I wanted to stay away from women all together for awhile and for a bit I was actually ok, with no problems with that but then life loves to mess with me and yet again I am placed in a situation I never wanted to be in the first place. It is a freaken loop I am in, and I can't get out.