A long, rambling, emotional yet still important blog
There are a lot of things i have yet to experience in my lifetime and until this past weekend i could write "heart break" as one of them. I've been kicked around by girls before, like every guy has. I've had unrequited loves that remained unrequited and that's always painful. Through these other problems i never felt that my heart had been "broken". In my limited number of relationships in the past i've been the one to break it off for whatever reasons. While that hurts too, it wasn't really comparative to the pain i've been going through. Knowing what this feels like now, looking back, i feel remorse for causing this feeling in another human being, especially one i had cared about.
"Heart Break" really is the perfect word for it too. Stan mentioned that on an episode of South Park. Something about it feeling like your heart physically hurts. There's a tightness in your chest and your throat. It's painful and i don't like it. This hurts.
It's painful to really try to do something right and not have it work out. I understand that i've lived my life as an ass hole. I'm self centered. I feel better about myself by putting other people down. But you have to believe me when i say that this relationship was something i put my heart and soul into. I was determined to be a good boyfriend this time. I committed myself emotionally into this at a very early stage (probably too early, but at the time it felt just right.). I had this idea in my head that i would be completely honest in this relationship, i wasn't going to hide anything or pretend to be anything other than myself. This is more than i've been able to do in some of my past relationships. I tried this and it worked, which felt great. I really felt i had found someone who accepted me for my idiosyncrasies and i worked hard to accept them for theirs. I didn't always succeed at this and that was probably the biggest point of contention in our relationship. I know that was wrong now. Actually that's a lie, i guess it was wrong, i can see both sides of the argument. On one hand i don't think it's wrong to try and help someone improve themselves but on the other hand when someone doesn't want that help you have to just let them be. Yeah it's confusing but i'm new to all of this so try and bear with me.
I just typed up four paragraphs about our relationship and realized how boring it was. The point is; things started great, we met in a really cute way, i fell in love probably way too fast but i was trying to be true to my feelings. We didn't fight for months then we had one. It happened, we talked about it, made resolutions to improve things and i moved on. Apparently she did not. The issues from this first fight begat other fights. She made little to no effort to improve things on her end, instead preferring to write off any issues we had as my fault. She refused to work to improve the relationship, refused to recognize the effort i was making and instead began distancing herself. Things were going great the past couple of weeks, or so i thought. I gave her the time and space she said she needed and during this time all i heard from her was how much she missed me and wanted to see me again. Then on Friday night at 3am after a night of drinking and talking with a friend of hers who doesn't like me (not that the feeling isn't mutual) she sends me a TEXT MESSAGE telling me she doesn't think we should keep going out. She then turns off her phone so all efforts to reach her and talk about what's happening are in vain. So i spend a sleepless night going over things in my mind and feeling that aforementioned broken heart feeling.
I had a lot of anger build up in our relationship. I didn't feel i was being treated fairly but i made so many efforts to "see it from her side" of things that i repressed these feelings. When i finally got in touch with her on saturday i calmly let her know i didn't appreciate the way she had done things and i want to meet with her; face to face and end things that way. After much discussion she let me know that I wasn't compromising about a place to meet her. And that's when i let her have it.
Months of unfair treatment, sadness, damaged self esteem and repressed anger bubbled up inside me and i let it errupt into the most hate-filled, angry 5 minute rant i've ever given to anyone in my life. At the end i felt great. Even today i still feel good about it, despite a few pangs of remorse here and there. I think i was unnecessarily mean at points. There were things i could have said in another way, but as Mike Manuel told me "Fuck it. That's how you were feeling then.". Which are words i've always tried to live by and in the last few months, being careful to tiptoe around this situation, i think i forgot about that.
There is no chance of us being friends after that, and that's fine with me. After the way she had treated me i would not want to remain her friend. That doesn't stop this from hurting though. It's an emotional investment and it's sad when you don't see any returns for your investments. This is just something everyone has to go through and it's hard for me because i did invest so much time and emotion. Although as friends told me, i was in a bad situation and it's good that it ended before it got worse.
That's brings me to a huge point in this blog. I know some of the greatest people in the world and i believe that the Good Lord continues to look out for me. Out of nowhere yesterday around 1pm i recieved a call from a friend i hadn't heard from in a while and she was a huge help. I went to a wedding with a group of great guys and even though they weren't aware of this situation just being able to hang out and have a good time felt like a huge relief. Then last night me and Mike drove around for hours talking about girls and life in general. Then after i got home around 3am i got to speak to Ashley about the situation and instead of going to bed upset i went to bed feeling confident and happy.
I've had my heart broken for the first time in my life and it hurts bad. But it already feels better. I'm a blessed person and i'm a strong person. That's a great combination for getting over problems I've had. So what's next for me? I really don't know about the future, about girls and about love. I'm just going to let it happen as it happens and take what life puts in front of me.
For today, i'm going to finish watching The Jerk on Comedy Central while adjusting my myspace. Then i'm going to my car and get the new Harry Potter book my little brother is letting me borrow. Then i'm going to lock myself in my room and watch all six episodes of FLCL on DVD. When i come out of that room, i'm going to be fine and life is going to continue.
Nobody loves no one. Everybody gets their heart broken.
So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields."
(Ha ha, that did it. Antoine De Saint Exupery, you got me, you dead bastard!)
"Heart Break" really is the perfect word for it too. Stan mentioned that on an episode of South Park. Something about it feeling like your heart physically hurts. There's a tightness in your chest and your throat. It's painful and i don't like it. This hurts.
It's painful to really try to do something right and not have it work out. I understand that i've lived my life as an ass hole. I'm self centered. I feel better about myself by putting other people down. But you have to believe me when i say that this relationship was something i put my heart and soul into. I was determined to be a good boyfriend this time. I committed myself emotionally into this at a very early stage (probably too early, but at the time it felt just right.). I had this idea in my head that i would be completely honest in this relationship, i wasn't going to hide anything or pretend to be anything other than myself. This is more than i've been able to do in some of my past relationships. I tried this and it worked, which felt great. I really felt i had found someone who accepted me for my idiosyncrasies and i worked hard to accept them for theirs. I didn't always succeed at this and that was probably the biggest point of contention in our relationship. I know that was wrong now. Actually that's a lie, i guess it was wrong, i can see both sides of the argument. On one hand i don't think it's wrong to try and help someone improve themselves but on the other hand when someone doesn't want that help you have to just let them be. Yeah it's confusing but i'm new to all of this so try and bear with me.
I just typed up four paragraphs about our relationship and realized how boring it was. The point is; things started great, we met in a really cute way, i fell in love probably way too fast but i was trying to be true to my feelings. We didn't fight for months then we had one. It happened, we talked about it, made resolutions to improve things and i moved on. Apparently she did not. The issues from this first fight begat other fights. She made little to no effort to improve things on her end, instead preferring to write off any issues we had as my fault. She refused to work to improve the relationship, refused to recognize the effort i was making and instead began distancing herself. Things were going great the past couple of weeks, or so i thought. I gave her the time and space she said she needed and during this time all i heard from her was how much she missed me and wanted to see me again. Then on Friday night at 3am after a night of drinking and talking with a friend of hers who doesn't like me (not that the feeling isn't mutual) she sends me a TEXT MESSAGE telling me she doesn't think we should keep going out. She then turns off her phone so all efforts to reach her and talk about what's happening are in vain. So i spend a sleepless night going over things in my mind and feeling that aforementioned broken heart feeling.
I had a lot of anger build up in our relationship. I didn't feel i was being treated fairly but i made so many efforts to "see it from her side" of things that i repressed these feelings. When i finally got in touch with her on saturday i calmly let her know i didn't appreciate the way she had done things and i want to meet with her; face to face and end things that way. After much discussion she let me know that I wasn't compromising about a place to meet her. And that's when i let her have it.
Months of unfair treatment, sadness, damaged self esteem and repressed anger bubbled up inside me and i let it errupt into the most hate-filled, angry 5 minute rant i've ever given to anyone in my life. At the end i felt great. Even today i still feel good about it, despite a few pangs of remorse here and there. I think i was unnecessarily mean at points. There were things i could have said in another way, but as Mike Manuel told me "Fuck it. That's how you were feeling then.". Which are words i've always tried to live by and in the last few months, being careful to tiptoe around this situation, i think i forgot about that.
There is no chance of us being friends after that, and that's fine with me. After the way she had treated me i would not want to remain her friend. That doesn't stop this from hurting though. It's an emotional investment and it's sad when you don't see any returns for your investments. This is just something everyone has to go through and it's hard for me because i did invest so much time and emotion. Although as friends told me, i was in a bad situation and it's good that it ended before it got worse.
That's brings me to a huge point in this blog. I know some of the greatest people in the world and i believe that the Good Lord continues to look out for me. Out of nowhere yesterday around 1pm i recieved a call from a friend i hadn't heard from in a while and she was a huge help. I went to a wedding with a group of great guys and even though they weren't aware of this situation just being able to hang out and have a good time felt like a huge relief. Then last night me and Mike drove around for hours talking about girls and life in general. Then after i got home around 3am i got to speak to Ashley about the situation and instead of going to bed upset i went to bed feeling confident and happy.
I've had my heart broken for the first time in my life and it hurts bad. But it already feels better. I'm a blessed person and i'm a strong person. That's a great combination for getting over problems I've had. So what's next for me? I really don't know about the future, about girls and about love. I'm just going to let it happen as it happens and take what life puts in front of me.
For today, i'm going to finish watching The Jerk on Comedy Central while adjusting my myspace. Then i'm going to my car and get the new Harry Potter book my little brother is letting me borrow. Then i'm going to lock myself in my room and watch all six episodes of FLCL on DVD. When i come out of that room, i'm going to be fine and life is going to continue.
Nobody loves no one. Everybody gets their heart broken.
So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields."
(Ha ha, that did it. Antoine De Saint Exupery, you got me, you dead bastard!)