Hypothetically Speaking, of course.
So im reading this book right now called "Sex Drugs & Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman. Rachel gave it to me for Christmas this year and it's pretty good. This guy has some pretty impressive insights on a wide variety of topics. However anything positive i can say about the guy is negated by the fact that when you get right down to it he's a pretensious, elitist snob who has chapters of his book devoted to the idea that Billy Joel is the greatest musician ever and Vanilla Sky was actually a good movie.
In between each chapter he has little mini-chapters he calls "interludes" (ugh). These range from hilarious (Non-Fictional account of Ralph Nader using his powers as a consumer advocate to ask the NBA to examine the officiating in a 2002 Kings-Lakers playoff game), to the annoying (describing why he hates homeless people so much). There was one of these i really enjoyed though. It was a series of 23 hypothetical questions he claims to ask everyone when he meets them. Some of these questions are pretty awesome and i'd be really interested to see how the people on my friends list would answer them! So if you're reading these, reply with your answers and we'll all have a good laugh. Im gonna post my answers too, just at the bottom.
1.) Let us assume that you have met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume that he can do five simple magic tricks. He can pull a rabbit out of a hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into a joker card and two other tricks along a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he cannot learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER it turns out he's doing these tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion. He can actually conjure a bunny from nothingness, he can actually move this coin through space. He's legitimately magical but severely limited in scope and influence.
Would This Person Be More Impressive Than Albert Einstein?
2.) Let us assume that a fully grown, perfectly healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with a thick rope. He is concious and standing upright but completely immobile. And let us assume, for some reason, every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in 30 minutes or less. You are allowed to wear steel toed boots.
Would You Attempt To Do This?
3.) Let us assume that there are two boxes on the table. In one box is a perfectly normal turtle, in the other, Adolph Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your house. If you select the turtle you cant give it away and you have to keep the turtle alive for two years. If either of these two parameters are not met you will be fined $999 dollars by the state. If you select Hitler's skull you are required to display it in a semi prominent location in your living room for the same ammount of time, though you will be paid a stipend of $120 a month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.
Which Option Do You Select?
4.) Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an IQ of 85, and - most impressively- a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirections plays). The gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You Are The Commissioner Of The NFL. Do You Allow This Gorilla To Sign With The Oakland Raiders?
5.) You meet your soul mate. However there is a catch; every three years, someone will break both of your sould mate's collarbones with a crescent wrench, and there is only one way to stop this from happening: you must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear-for the rest of your life- sound as if it's being performed by Alice In Chains. When you hear Creedence Clear Water Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice In Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice In Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV it will sound like Alice In Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like the deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would You Swallow The Pill?
6.) At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR". This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use the device if you agree to the strange caveat: When you watch your dreams you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. If you dont agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.
Would You Still Do This?
7.) You meet the perfect person. Romantically this person is ideal: you find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny and deeply compassionate. However they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once per month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy".
Would This Be Enough To Stop You From Marrying This Individual?
8.) A novel entitled Interior Mirror is released to mamoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However a curious social trend emerges: though no one can prove a direct link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that the book is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).
Would This Phenomenon Increase (Or Decrease) The Likelihood Of You Reading This Book?
9.) You are watching a movie in a crowded theatre. Though the plotis mediocre you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes remaining in the film you are struck by an undeniable feeling of doom; You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that, somewhere, your mom has just perished. This is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this and your mother has not been ill.
Would You Immediately Exit The Theatre, Or Would You Finish Watching The Movie.
10.) You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says " I will now make that person a dollar more attractive." He waves his wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all: as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But, somehow, this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you are satisified. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.
How Much Cash Do You Give The Wizard?
11.) Someone builds a crystal ball that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future. It shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years and you can only see into the ball for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal you see yourself in a living room. You are twenty years older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game and are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by CFL books and magazines and there are CFL pennants all over your walls. You are alone in the room but you are gleefully muttering to yourself about historical moments in CFL history. It becomes clear that, for some unknown reason, you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute: no matter what you do this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. Your destiny cannot be changed.
The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come accross a preseason CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future will you still watch it?
12.) You are sitting in an empty bar in a town you've never been in before. Drinking with a soft spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. "Be careful of that guy" you are told. "He is a man with a past." A few minutes later a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. "Be careful of that guy too," he says. "He is a man with no past."
Which Of These Two Men Do You Trust Less?
13.) You have won a prize. The prize has two options and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.
Which Option Do You Choose?
14.) For whatever reason two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage of you from your actual life. Critics describe the film as "brutally honest and relentlessly fair". Meanwhile Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big budget biopic of your life, casting major hollywood stars as your friends and acquaintances. Though this movie is based on actual events the screen writers have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this ficticious account, but audiences love it.
Which Film Would You Be Most Interested In Seeing?
15.) Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both the cognitave ability of an adult and the memories of everything you've learned from having lived your life previously.
Would You Lose Your Virginity Earlier Or Later Than You Did The First Time Around (And By How Much Time)?
16.) You work in an office and are generally well liked by your co-workers. However you discover there are currently two rumors circulating in the office gossip mill , and both involve you. The first being that you got drunk at an office party and has sex with one of your married co workers. This rumor is completely true but everyone generally assumes it's false. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars from the company. This rumor is completely false but your co workers have acceted this as factual.
Which Of These Two Rumors Is More Troubling To You?
MY ANSWERS!! (you all better answer too!)
1.)Yes, anyone who says otherwise is a liar (or a NERD!)
2.) I guess it would be selfish of me to not try and kill this horse. I just dont think that with steel toed boots and half an hour i would be able to take down a fully grown clydesdale. But i would try.
3.) The skull. I could always just buy a turtle. Plus i need the money.
4.) No. No gorillas in my NFL. And i would probably suspend Shawn Merriman too.
5.) I would have to discuss this seriously with my soulmate. I really do like Alice in Chains but if i had to hear them constantly.... i need some variation, you know? But if this person really WAS my soulmate and was able to make me happy maybe i wouldn't need music for that purpose.
6.) Nooooo. Sorry my dreams are either way to weird or way too personal.
7.) No, i obsess over weird little things myself. I would still marry her.
8.) Probably increase, just like i wanted to know what could possibly be on a tape or a website that would cause people to die. Which is why i saw The Ring and that other terrible movie.
9.) As much of a jerk as this makes me, i would probably watch the rest of the movie and try to rationalize my feelings as being "crazy".
10.) Probably 75$. Because it's right in between 50 and 100 dollars and we'd all like to look a little better.
11.) Lol, this is how i feel about watching hockey. In my Hurricanes sweater, by myself, happily mumbling statistics to myself. But i would turn the TV off, enjoy twenty more years of happiness before i became a blithering CFL fanatic.
12.) The man with a past. The man with no past would just freak me out.
13.) Europe for a year. Space is scary and overrated.
14.) I know the "right answer" here is probably the documentary. But i;ve lived that life, i dont need to see it again. Id be more interested in seeing who they got to play me and all my friends in the Columbia Tri Star dealie.
15.) Earlier. If i had all my memories and mental capacities still i'd (hopefully) get it done a couple years earlier.
16.) The stealing money one. I could probably get fired for that....
Everyone else reply with your answers! Come on it will be fun! I promise!
In between each chapter he has little mini-chapters he calls "interludes" (ugh). These range from hilarious (Non-Fictional account of Ralph Nader using his powers as a consumer advocate to ask the NBA to examine the officiating in a 2002 Kings-Lakers playoff game), to the annoying (describing why he hates homeless people so much). There was one of these i really enjoyed though. It was a series of 23 hypothetical questions he claims to ask everyone when he meets them. Some of these questions are pretty awesome and i'd be really interested to see how the people on my friends list would answer them! So if you're reading these, reply with your answers and we'll all have a good laugh. Im gonna post my answers too, just at the bottom.
1.) Let us assume that you have met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume that he can do five simple magic tricks. He can pull a rabbit out of a hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into a joker card and two other tricks along a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he cannot learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER it turns out he's doing these tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion. He can actually conjure a bunny from nothingness, he can actually move this coin through space. He's legitimately magical but severely limited in scope and influence.
Would This Person Be More Impressive Than Albert Einstein?
2.) Let us assume that a fully grown, perfectly healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with a thick rope. He is concious and standing upright but completely immobile. And let us assume, for some reason, every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in 30 minutes or less. You are allowed to wear steel toed boots.
Would You Attempt To Do This?
3.) Let us assume that there are two boxes on the table. In one box is a perfectly normal turtle, in the other, Adolph Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your house. If you select the turtle you cant give it away and you have to keep the turtle alive for two years. If either of these two parameters are not met you will be fined $999 dollars by the state. If you select Hitler's skull you are required to display it in a semi prominent location in your living room for the same ammount of time, though you will be paid a stipend of $120 a month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.
Which Option Do You Select?
4.) Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla". Though the animal cannot speak it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an IQ of 85, and - most impressively- a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirections plays). The gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You Are The Commissioner Of The NFL. Do You Allow This Gorilla To Sign With The Oakland Raiders?
5.) You meet your soul mate. However there is a catch; every three years, someone will break both of your sould mate's collarbones with a crescent wrench, and there is only one way to stop this from happening: you must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear-for the rest of your life- sound as if it's being performed by Alice In Chains. When you hear Creedence Clear Water Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice In Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice In Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV it will sound like Alice In Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like the deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).
Would You Swallow The Pill?
6.) At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR". This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use the device if you agree to the strange caveat: When you watch your dreams you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. If you dont agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.
Would You Still Do This?
7.) You meet the perfect person. Romantically this person is ideal: you find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny and deeply compassionate. However they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once per month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy".
Would This Be Enough To Stop You From Marrying This Individual?
8.) A novel entitled Interior Mirror is released to mamoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However a curious social trend emerges: though no one can prove a direct link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that the book is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).
Would This Phenomenon Increase (Or Decrease) The Likelihood Of You Reading This Book?
9.) You are watching a movie in a crowded theatre. Though the plotis mediocre you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes remaining in the film you are struck by an undeniable feeling of doom; You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that, somewhere, your mom has just perished. This is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this and your mother has not been ill.
Would You Immediately Exit The Theatre, Or Would You Finish Watching The Movie.
10.) You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says " I will now make that person a dollar more attractive." He waves his wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all: as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But, somehow, this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you are satisified. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.
How Much Cash Do You Give The Wizard?
11.) Someone builds a crystal ball that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future. It shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years and you can only see into the ball for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal you see yourself in a living room. You are twenty years older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game and are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by CFL books and magazines and there are CFL pennants all over your walls. You are alone in the room but you are gleefully muttering to yourself about historical moments in CFL history. It becomes clear that, for some unknown reason, you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute: no matter what you do this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. Your destiny cannot be changed.
The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come accross a preseason CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future will you still watch it?
12.) You are sitting in an empty bar in a town you've never been in before. Drinking with a soft spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. "Be careful of that guy" you are told. "He is a man with a past." A few minutes later a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. "Be careful of that guy too," he says. "He is a man with no past."
Which Of These Two Men Do You Trust Less?
13.) You have won a prize. The prize has two options and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.
Which Option Do You Choose?
14.) For whatever reason two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage of you from your actual life. Critics describe the film as "brutally honest and relentlessly fair". Meanwhile Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big budget biopic of your life, casting major hollywood stars as your friends and acquaintances. Though this movie is based on actual events the screen writers have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this ficticious account, but audiences love it.
Which Film Would You Be Most Interested In Seeing?
15.) Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will reexperience your entire adolescence with both the cognitave ability of an adult and the memories of everything you've learned from having lived your life previously.
Would You Lose Your Virginity Earlier Or Later Than You Did The First Time Around (And By How Much Time)?
16.) You work in an office and are generally well liked by your co-workers. However you discover there are currently two rumors circulating in the office gossip mill , and both involve you. The first being that you got drunk at an office party and has sex with one of your married co workers. This rumor is completely true but everyone generally assumes it's false. The second rumor is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars from the company. This rumor is completely false but your co workers have acceted this as factual.
Which Of These Two Rumors Is More Troubling To You?
MY ANSWERS!! (you all better answer too!)
1.)Yes, anyone who says otherwise is a liar (or a NERD!)
2.) I guess it would be selfish of me to not try and kill this horse. I just dont think that with steel toed boots and half an hour i would be able to take down a fully grown clydesdale. But i would try.
3.) The skull. I could always just buy a turtle. Plus i need the money.
4.) No. No gorillas in my NFL. And i would probably suspend Shawn Merriman too.
5.) I would have to discuss this seriously with my soulmate. I really do like Alice in Chains but if i had to hear them constantly.... i need some variation, you know? But if this person really WAS my soulmate and was able to make me happy maybe i wouldn't need music for that purpose.
6.) Nooooo. Sorry my dreams are either way to weird or way too personal.
7.) No, i obsess over weird little things myself. I would still marry her.
8.) Probably increase, just like i wanted to know what could possibly be on a tape or a website that would cause people to die. Which is why i saw The Ring and that other terrible movie.
9.) As much of a jerk as this makes me, i would probably watch the rest of the movie and try to rationalize my feelings as being "crazy".
10.) Probably 75$. Because it's right in between 50 and 100 dollars and we'd all like to look a little better.
11.) Lol, this is how i feel about watching hockey. In my Hurricanes sweater, by myself, happily mumbling statistics to myself. But i would turn the TV off, enjoy twenty more years of happiness before i became a blithering CFL fanatic.
12.) The man with a past. The man with no past would just freak me out.
13.) Europe for a year. Space is scary and overrated.
14.) I know the "right answer" here is probably the documentary. But i;ve lived that life, i dont need to see it again. Id be more interested in seeing who they got to play me and all my friends in the Columbia Tri Star dealie.
15.) Earlier. If i had all my memories and mental capacities still i'd (hopefully) get it done a couple years earlier.
16.) The stealing money one. I could probably get fired for that....
Everyone else reply with your answers! Come on it will be fun! I promise!