my stomach hurts from all the moping.
There went my birthday, and I'm now 23!! I'm HUGE!
My pieces came out of the kiln mostly alive, and I'm mostly pleased. email me if you want to see them, I've forgotten how to post pictures.
Adam's been writing. it makes me sad.
luckily, Fiona's english is on the upswing and I feel good about that.
I was hoping to come home in December to stay, but my mom wants me to come back and stay until May. Someone had my aunt's fortune told, and apparently May is the showdown; she either makes it through May, or doesn't. So my mom wants me to be here through May so that Fiona won't be alone if the worst happens. Fiona's dad works a 2 hour plane trip away, and everyone else is in Taiwan or America. I should stay here, I should do the right thing; this is life and death, this is bigger than me.
But I want to come home. Part of it is that - it's selfish, I know, but I want to live my life. My life wasn't going anywhere to begin with, so I don't mind being here, but it's lonely. I want friends around me that I can talk to and see.
Mostly, though, I'm scared and depressed. I see my life crumpling like a wad of tissue into an ice cream cone. If my aunt leaves us in May, I'm going to be Fiona's mom for the rest of my life. Full time. I'll never get to be young ever again, because I'll never be able to leave her. My mom says this won't happen, that I'll be able to live my own life, but she's wrong. My mom is very good at making empty promises and not following through, and she's absolutely wrong. Even if someone could take over for me, it would break my heart to leave Fiona, who is already distressed that I'm leaving in December. You have to remember she's 11, and has no one except her mom here. she can't even sleep on her own; she's mildly scared of the dark,very scared of being alone. If I leave after her mom does, then she'd be losing 2 parents. If I stay, she'll lose one parent and be utterly alone until someone comes out to figure out what should be done. But I'm too young to be her mom.
The only way out of this that I can see is to apply for grad school. This is a plan hatched out of desperation last night. If I apply to grad school and get accepted somewhere, then that means I have an excuse to go home before september. But applying to grad school because I'm desperate for somewhere else to be doesn't seem like a good idea.
I'm also a little annoyed that no one's stepping up. I have an aunt in Taiwan who just got divorced, and I have no clue what she does with her days. honestly. I think she had a part time job, but she decided not to keep at it. And I know she's super worried about this, so I have no clue why she doesn't just come over. I guess she has her reasons.
and I've been trying to get my mom to quit her job and move to Shanghai; her cousin has a business here and has been trying to start a collaborative project with ym mom for years. Everyone's been trying to get my mom to quit for years, but I think she's addicted to work like it's a gambling habit.
There has to be a way out of this. I already know what the "right thing to do" is, I'm just scared by how big and quiet it will be.
Is this just hubris? should I just give in to what I'm supposed to do?
My pieces came out of the kiln mostly alive, and I'm mostly pleased. email me if you want to see them, I've forgotten how to post pictures.
Adam's been writing. it makes me sad.
luckily, Fiona's english is on the upswing and I feel good about that.
I was hoping to come home in December to stay, but my mom wants me to come back and stay until May. Someone had my aunt's fortune told, and apparently May is the showdown; she either makes it through May, or doesn't. So my mom wants me to be here through May so that Fiona won't be alone if the worst happens. Fiona's dad works a 2 hour plane trip away, and everyone else is in Taiwan or America. I should stay here, I should do the right thing; this is life and death, this is bigger than me.
But I want to come home. Part of it is that - it's selfish, I know, but I want to live my life. My life wasn't going anywhere to begin with, so I don't mind being here, but it's lonely. I want friends around me that I can talk to and see.
Mostly, though, I'm scared and depressed. I see my life crumpling like a wad of tissue into an ice cream cone. If my aunt leaves us in May, I'm going to be Fiona's mom for the rest of my life. Full time. I'll never get to be young ever again, because I'll never be able to leave her. My mom says this won't happen, that I'll be able to live my own life, but she's wrong. My mom is very good at making empty promises and not following through, and she's absolutely wrong. Even if someone could take over for me, it would break my heart to leave Fiona, who is already distressed that I'm leaving in December. You have to remember she's 11, and has no one except her mom here. she can't even sleep on her own; she's mildly scared of the dark,very scared of being alone. If I leave after her mom does, then she'd be losing 2 parents. If I stay, she'll lose one parent and be utterly alone until someone comes out to figure out what should be done. But I'm too young to be her mom.
The only way out of this that I can see is to apply for grad school. This is a plan hatched out of desperation last night. If I apply to grad school and get accepted somewhere, then that means I have an excuse to go home before september. But applying to grad school because I'm desperate for somewhere else to be doesn't seem like a good idea.
I'm also a little annoyed that no one's stepping up. I have an aunt in Taiwan who just got divorced, and I have no clue what she does with her days. honestly. I think she had a part time job, but she decided not to keep at it. And I know she's super worried about this, so I have no clue why she doesn't just come over. I guess she has her reasons.
and I've been trying to get my mom to quit her job and move to Shanghai; her cousin has a business here and has been trying to start a collaborative project with ym mom for years. Everyone's been trying to get my mom to quit for years, but I think she's addicted to work like it's a gambling habit.
There has to be a way out of this. I already know what the "right thing to do" is, I'm just scared by how big and quiet it will be.
Is this just hubris? should I just give in to what I'm supposed to do?