(no subject)
Deep down, in the deepest part of my heart, I know that a decision I made on December 16th was the right one. That decision has made me so incredibly happy since and might possibly for a very long time to come.
But I always wonder...what if??
What if I hadn't ended things with R right then?
What if I had waited, maybe until after the holidays?
Would things have changed?
Would I have made a different choice
Or would I have been delaying the inevitable?
I suppose if I could go back, I would do it differently. I would have been honest from the very beginning. R deserved that much. I was scared and selfish. I know that for a fact. I still desperately want to be his friend. I had a dream that R sent me a text that just said "hey" with a nonsensical emoji to prove that we were going to be okay. That we could be friends.
Baseball season is gearing up and I'm dying to talk to R about it. I also want him to know that not a single day has passed that I haven't thought about him and hoped with every fiber of my being that he is doing well.
R was close to being my best guy friend and I messed it up.
Maybe the real what if goes back to October. What if I had never met him at The Library for a beer that Wednesday night....sigh.
The what if's and the shoulda, woulda, coulda's in life will kill ya.
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