Failed again
Transfer #2 failed.
I kind of hope it’s not my worst fear coming true. That we’ll become those people who just have to give up because nothing works we don’t know why. I know that’s presumptuous but I mean. Most people get pregnant by now. Like 80% of people get pregnant by now.
Honestly, I’m not that upset. I had been super worried about our last girl failing. I actually think the witchcraft has helped. It’s just helped me get in the right mindset. I’ve done all I can do, I’ve put my wish out there, but I have to be at peace with the outcome and find the positive in it even if it’s not what I wanted. We still have two boy embryos, and I’d be thrilled to have a baby, boy or girl.
I just wish we could figure out why. I hate not knowing. Some people have to give up and never know why.
I said this before but I think I really just need to focus on myself. Get myself healthy and feeling better. I’ve been spending so much time in bed. I don’t feel depressed necessarily but I just have no motivation to do anything but sit here and wait for this to work. And I know that’s bad. I also think this job has really done more harm than good. The money has been nice but kind of not at the expense of being able to spend time with Chris. We could be taking walks together every afternoon. Working out together. Going away for weekends to relax. But no, I have to work. And I hate the job anyway. I called out yesterday last minute, which I know was bad but we didn’t get the call about the blood test until like 2:30. And I just really wanted to spend time with Chris and I’m glad I did. But they gave me an attendance point. I even told them what the reason was. So that’s just pretty shitty.
I talked to some other boarders at the barn and it sounds like Anna actually knocks off quite a bit if you do barn chores. I might be able to get my board paid just by feeding horses morning and night a few days a week. I’m either going to do that or I’m going to tell work I need to work an earlier shift and no weekends. Im tired of working til 7 and doing fuck all on Sunday’s for no reason.
Anyway. I am trying to be positive. And I feel okay. I just wish it would work. But I think I have to stop waiting. I think I need to just focus on myself, things that I enjoy. Ride my horse again. Exercise. Enjoy life.