A Journey Of 1000 Miles
Holy cliche titles, Batman!
I don't think I'm shocking anyone when I say that I am a man that's been plagued by insecurity. For a long time it was because I was so overweight. Then I lost a lot of weight due to my decision to have Gastric Bypass surgery. And while this lifted some of the insecurity that I had, it raised a whole new set of insecurites that wasn't there before.
The thing is, because of the rapid weight loss I have some extra skin around my thighs, stomach, and a little on my arms. Granted, I didn't not take care of myself as well I could have post-surgery and so some of this might be my fault. Regardless, it is there. So while I feel better about myself overall, this has led to all new internal problems for me.
I started going out with this girl a little bit after my surgery. She was amazing. She was gorgeous, unbelievably intelligent, kind, funny...and having weighed 400 pounds less than a year before I met her, I was freaked out of my fucking mind. I couldn't even believe a girl like this would pay any attention to me, let alone go out with me. As we were going out, we would of course make out as people who date are wont to do. We fooled around a little. But, I found myself so utterly scared of what she was going to think if she ever saw what I looked like. I was scared. Petrified. She was so perfect and the thought of her seeing me and then not wanting to be with me anymore was too much for me to handle. This, in turn, led me to be incredibly timid in our dating, and I think ultimately cost me what could have been an incredible relationship. I don't know that for a fact, I maybe overthinking things and perhaps things would have worked out the way they did no matter what. But, that is definitely how I felt.
(Don't feel too bad for me. She has since become my closest friend in the world.)
So why do I say all of that? Because that was two and a half years ago, and still not much has changed. I am still freaked out by my body. Not so much that it freaks ME out, but I worry so much about what potential dates will think. It is so hard to flirt or put yourself out there to ask someone out when the only thing you can think about is "oh shit, what if this actually works?" You know? I'm setting myself up to fail. It's like I don't even want it to work, because if I actually get the girl to go out with me, then I have to worry about what she's going think if things progress to a point where she see under my shirt.
Let me be clear, I don't think women are shallow. And I'm sure there are more girls out there than not that would be okay with my body. But I certainly understand how that could be something hard for a girl to handle. It just freaks me out so much that I might start dating someone and develop feelings for them, and then they see me naked and decide they don't want to be with me anymore.
So, present day. My prospects with the females is starting to pick up. I've started an OkCupid account. I'm not sure if anything will come out of it, but just the process of starting it was huge for me because I'm putting myself out there, in some capacity.
My neighbor is very cute. I let her borrow a Bukowski book of mine and she returned it the other day and told me she loved it. I've been seeing her with this guy and I assumed it was her boyfriend. Tonight, however, I ran into her outside of our doors and talked to her for a little bit. I used some clever questioning to figure out she was, in fact, single. At the end of the conversation I told her we should hang out sometime, to which she replied, "absolutely. just come knock." So, I think I might just take her up on that, and next week I might try to ask her out to dinner or something.
There's also this girl I like. She's very smart and very very pretty. I've only had the pleasure of talking to her a few times. She's going to be out of the country for the next few weeks, but I'm hoping when she gets back that we're going to be able to hang out and get to know each other and maybe it will go somewhere from there. I don't know. I absolutely can't wait to hang out with her. I still have all these problems with my body, and it's hard to put myself out there because I really like her, but I figure she's either going to like me or she's not. Either way, the one thing I do know is that for the first time in maybe my whole life, I'm not scared. And that in itself I think is a victory.
I don't think I'm shocking anyone when I say that I am a man that's been plagued by insecurity. For a long time it was because I was so overweight. Then I lost a lot of weight due to my decision to have Gastric Bypass surgery. And while this lifted some of the insecurity that I had, it raised a whole new set of insecurites that wasn't there before.
The thing is, because of the rapid weight loss I have some extra skin around my thighs, stomach, and a little on my arms. Granted, I didn't not take care of myself as well I could have post-surgery and so some of this might be my fault. Regardless, it is there. So while I feel better about myself overall, this has led to all new internal problems for me.
I started going out with this girl a little bit after my surgery. She was amazing. She was gorgeous, unbelievably intelligent, kind, funny...and having weighed 400 pounds less than a year before I met her, I was freaked out of my fucking mind. I couldn't even believe a girl like this would pay any attention to me, let alone go out with me. As we were going out, we would of course make out as people who date are wont to do. We fooled around a little. But, I found myself so utterly scared of what she was going to think if she ever saw what I looked like. I was scared. Petrified. She was so perfect and the thought of her seeing me and then not wanting to be with me anymore was too much for me to handle. This, in turn, led me to be incredibly timid in our dating, and I think ultimately cost me what could have been an incredible relationship. I don't know that for a fact, I maybe overthinking things and perhaps things would have worked out the way they did no matter what. But, that is definitely how I felt.
(Don't feel too bad for me. She has since become my closest friend in the world.)
So why do I say all of that? Because that was two and a half years ago, and still not much has changed. I am still freaked out by my body. Not so much that it freaks ME out, but I worry so much about what potential dates will think. It is so hard to flirt or put yourself out there to ask someone out when the only thing you can think about is "oh shit, what if this actually works?" You know? I'm setting myself up to fail. It's like I don't even want it to work, because if I actually get the girl to go out with me, then I have to worry about what she's going think if things progress to a point where she see under my shirt.
Let me be clear, I don't think women are shallow. And I'm sure there are more girls out there than not that would be okay with my body. But I certainly understand how that could be something hard for a girl to handle. It just freaks me out so much that I might start dating someone and develop feelings for them, and then they see me naked and decide they don't want to be with me anymore.
So, present day. My prospects with the females is starting to pick up. I've started an OkCupid account. I'm not sure if anything will come out of it, but just the process of starting it was huge for me because I'm putting myself out there, in some capacity.
My neighbor is very cute. I let her borrow a Bukowski book of mine and she returned it the other day and told me she loved it. I've been seeing her with this guy and I assumed it was her boyfriend. Tonight, however, I ran into her outside of our doors and talked to her for a little bit. I used some clever questioning to figure out she was, in fact, single. At the end of the conversation I told her we should hang out sometime, to which she replied, "absolutely. just come knock." So, I think I might just take her up on that, and next week I might try to ask her out to dinner or something.
There's also this girl I like. She's very smart and very very pretty. I've only had the pleasure of talking to her a few times. She's going to be out of the country for the next few weeks, but I'm hoping when she gets back that we're going to be able to hang out and get to know each other and maybe it will go somewhere from there. I don't know. I absolutely can't wait to hang out with her. I still have all these problems with my body, and it's hard to put myself out there because I really like her, but I figure she's either going to like me or she's not. Either way, the one thing I do know is that for the first time in maybe my whole life, I'm not scared. And that in itself I think is a victory.