(no subject)
I started feeling so much better last week, even amidst the drama that ensued with my roommate. I felt like I could manage this, like I could make it through all of this alone, at least physically alone... if that makes any sense. I felt like the medication started to help some (except that it's making it so I can't sleep for more than two hours consecutively), but I felt less depressed for a short while. Yesterday, though, I woke up with a pit in my stomach... a pit of what, I don't know, but it threw me off all day long. I felt like crying for the entire day, and my anxiety really kicked in. I can't explain it, and I've tried to sit with this feeling and dissect it to see where it's rooted, but I can't seem to figure it out. All I know is that it makes me feel defeated, like all the work I've been doing still hasn't made a difference. I know there's no such thing as a quick fix, but I just wish I could explain why today and yesterday I have felt like this.
Yesterday, I got done working at Towers and drove home. Some ass-hole in a Ferrari (?) came speeding at me head-on, so I pulled over because the street was too narrow for both of us to pass. In pulling over, I hit someone's parked car, and that someone was in the car. I only nicked her bumper a little bit, but it is still going to cost money that my family and I don't have. I was already so anxious yesterday for some reason, and that just pushed me over the edge. I kept calm while dealing with the situation, but afterwards I broke down sobbing because I was so shaken up. The noise of me hitting her (really only rubbing up against her bumper a bit) just kept echoing in my head, which is so silly. In high school, someone totaled my car and I didn't even shed a tear. Afterward, I realized that this wouldn't have been a big deal if it weren't for the money it's going to cost. It made me feel really upset about the way our world functions. It isn't enough that both of us are okay and our cars are okay. Because of money and materialism, I've got another thing to worry about. I can't afford to live right now, and I'm realizing that the majority of my anxieties are rooted in (my lack of) money. I don't mean that if I had more money I'd be happier, but I do mean to say that being poor is certainly a stressor that has affected me.
I want to leave America! I want to go to Japan! I'm going insane waiting for those Nihonjins to get back to me about studying in January. I keep worrying for no reason, and I recognize that. I'm trying to concern myself with the now and forget everything else, but it's so hard to do when I know that leaving is a possibility for me. And it's hard knowing that I feel empty right now in this place, and that I may or may not be able to change that soon. WHEW!
BOMBARDMENT! This is a small portion of what's going on with me right now, and writing it down actually helps me to realize that, right now, I have a lot of shit to deal with and that maybe I'm not crazy for being stressed about it. I am depressed; it's official. And I have anxiety disorder. I think I've been avoiding admitting it for a really long time, but it has become a very big part of my life (I plan on fixing that, by the way.) I don't expect things to change right away, and I still freak about these things, but just putting all this into words makes me feel a little bit relieved. I'm ready to feel okay, but it hasn't happened yet. But sometimes I think it will happen.
Some good things:
95% on Japanese test!
A+ on my French paper!
Grizzly Bear is streaming their entire new LP on their myspace page!
I've gone to all my classes for the past two days! (Big deal for me)
Selah selected me for the undergraduate reading series on Friday (good thing, but also very stressful thing)
That ringing in my ears is because of the medication, not because I'm going deaf! (or so it seems)...
I still have one person I feel safe with (whom I miss like mad.)
I'm starting to realize that the reason I feel so sad is because of how good I felt before... so I know I'm capable of being happy, at least.
Congratulations if you've made it this far through my entry. Kudos, because it was hard enough to write; it's probably even harder to read. Your reward? The end of my entry!!