you better put some beauty back while you've got the energy
words are slow to come today. I'm listening to music for what feels like the first time in years. I'm trying to fill myself up with song. Right now, reading and music are what I'm trying to sustain off of. Well, that and a box of roasted garlic triscuits that are more MSG than they are carbohydrate. yum.
I'm trying to get a grasp on things, basically. I'm trying to wrap my head around all the possibilities the come between the inevitabilities. I only have between today and my death to live, and I feel like I'm wasting time by obsessing over how to spend it. Nurse, chef, hermit, coupled, single, men, women, bicycle, car, run, read, work, study, hide....
I want answers. I want sentences to write about my life that end in periods or exclamation points.
I want a life where I do something other than take 8hr breaks from hiding in my room to go to work. Which is exactly what I've been doing for nearly a week- hiding and feeling guilty about occupying space knowing that people are counting the days until I leave. Leave for my last year of school and whatever might come afterwards. The problem lately is that the fantasy future dream of a life has exploded. Working in the hospital has taught me that acute care nursing is more pills and paperwork than patients. The dream of a kitchen to call my own and the little dog/cat and Alex...the fantasy has been replaced by a fear that 20 years from now I will realize I lost time to live the life I was made for.
Part of me is aching. The ache I am sure of, the cause and cure are speculations only. The scientific method is useless for anything other than science experiments.
I'm trying to get a grasp on things, basically. I'm trying to wrap my head around all the possibilities the come between the inevitabilities. I only have between today and my death to live, and I feel like I'm wasting time by obsessing over how to spend it. Nurse, chef, hermit, coupled, single, men, women, bicycle, car, run, read, work, study, hide....
I want answers. I want sentences to write about my life that end in periods or exclamation points.
I want a life where I do something other than take 8hr breaks from hiding in my room to go to work. Which is exactly what I've been doing for nearly a week- hiding and feeling guilty about occupying space knowing that people are counting the days until I leave. Leave for my last year of school and whatever might come afterwards. The problem lately is that the fantasy future dream of a life has exploded. Working in the hospital has taught me that acute care nursing is more pills and paperwork than patients. The dream of a kitchen to call my own and the little dog/cat and Alex...the fantasy has been replaced by a fear that 20 years from now I will realize I lost time to live the life I was made for.
Part of me is aching. The ache I am sure of, the cause and cure are speculations only. The scientific method is useless for anything other than science experiments.