Birthdays
Whenever I have a birthday, I usually inventory my life. This year is no different, however, as yesterday's post revealed, I am having a hard time getting old. I would love to actually meet someone who is aging gracefully. By that I don't mean, they look good and make it effortless or they have let themselves go to hell, and don't give a fuck about it. I mean a person who when faced with aging can just take it with a grain of salt, spend no time at all worrying about it and just live each day carefree as a preteen.
I remember being in my thirties when I wished that I could meet someone (not for a women/man relationship) but a friend or acquaintance who was actually blind who would get to know me without the complications of being influenced by my looks. Someone who could mirror back my soul and personality, who I was, for good or bad. Well, now I have all of my animals to do that for me. They don't care what-all I look like, just, where is the food, MA?
A woman loses so much of who she is, when she ages, if she relied on her looks all of her life. I have found out how shallow I have been, even while I still make value judgements based upon appearance. I am so fucked and now I know it. I am so dependent on my vision and the impressions that I get through sight and I always have been. It's just that now, visually, I am either too old to pay attention to, or completely invisible and I don't know what is worse!!!
I can understand why my mother wanted to let me where all kinds of clothes that showcased my figure when I was young. Her postion was, better wear it while you are young, cause it don't last long. I have to agree with that.
Also, I understand why people want grandchildren. They make you forget that you are old. They bring the beauty and innocence of youth back for you to enjoy vicariously through these babies. And, since when you are old, you aren't physically able to take care of them, it's even more fun for the grandparents.
Being a grandparent seems like the only consolation for getting old. But I digress.
When I look at myself in the mirror it scares me. My skin looks old, I look like a faded sagging distorted version of myself. No amount of cosmetics, vitamins, exercise, or anything short of plastic surgery is going to change that. But what does that do? Make you look younger? You are still old. You still have sprouting chin hairs, incontinence when you cough, sore everything and one day closer to death, regardless of what you try to do to look different.
But then I think of those friends of mine who have passed.... Nancy, Steven, Mike and others that I know less well, but that were my peers. Forever young, (or younger). People that I miss in this world. Even though they were not part of my everyday life, I miss them being on the planet with the rest of us.
I am truly obsessing over this shit, and it is too nice a day to do that. SO I will take a break, and enjoy this day. I can always pick up this thread of mine when I want to .....One look in the mirror can bring it rushing to the top of my mind.
I remember being in my thirties when I wished that I could meet someone (not for a women/man relationship) but a friend or acquaintance who was actually blind who would get to know me without the complications of being influenced by my looks. Someone who could mirror back my soul and personality, who I was, for good or bad. Well, now I have all of my animals to do that for me. They don't care what-all I look like, just, where is the food, MA?
A woman loses so much of who she is, when she ages, if she relied on her looks all of her life. I have found out how shallow I have been, even while I still make value judgements based upon appearance. I am so fucked and now I know it. I am so dependent on my vision and the impressions that I get through sight and I always have been. It's just that now, visually, I am either too old to pay attention to, or completely invisible and I don't know what is worse!!!
I can understand why my mother wanted to let me where all kinds of clothes that showcased my figure when I was young. Her postion was, better wear it while you are young, cause it don't last long. I have to agree with that.
Also, I understand why people want grandchildren. They make you forget that you are old. They bring the beauty and innocence of youth back for you to enjoy vicariously through these babies. And, since when you are old, you aren't physically able to take care of them, it's even more fun for the grandparents.
Being a grandparent seems like the only consolation for getting old. But I digress.
When I look at myself in the mirror it scares me. My skin looks old, I look like a faded sagging distorted version of myself. No amount of cosmetics, vitamins, exercise, or anything short of plastic surgery is going to change that. But what does that do? Make you look younger? You are still old. You still have sprouting chin hairs, incontinence when you cough, sore everything and one day closer to death, regardless of what you try to do to look different.
But then I think of those friends of mine who have passed.... Nancy, Steven, Mike and others that I know less well, but that were my peers. Forever young, (or younger). People that I miss in this world. Even though they were not part of my everyday life, I miss them being on the planet with the rest of us.
I am truly obsessing over this shit, and it is too nice a day to do that. SO I will take a break, and enjoy this day. I can always pick up this thread of mine when I want to .....One look in the mirror can bring it rushing to the top of my mind.