Homecoming
It's kind of weird to be back home. It's kind of scary to know that I'll be in San Francisco for more than a week or two, that I'm settled here (for now) for the next few years. I got used to being a drifter, and making permanent plans to settle down, to start my life anew in SF makes me feel a bit uneasy. It's probably rooted in the idea of having to grow up, stop being a student and get a job.
I was offered a job the other day at UCSF on the peds heme-onc floor (bone cancers and bone marrow transplants). I'm a little nervous. In a few short weeks all kinds of responsibility was dumped on my shoulders. I'll be working with real people, not as a student, but an actual professional, which means theres no safety net or watchful mentor looking over my shoulder... well that is, after I finish my orientation and such. But one thing that really stuck with me as I fumbled during the interview, was what the nurse manager mentioned and warned me about. The kids on this unit are usually really sick. Like those who are teetering on the edge of recovery and death. And although leukemias are usually very treatable outpatient, and survival rates are excellent, our unit gets those few percent that might not. The floor also functions as palliative/hospice care. It worries me that I might not be able to handle it. But I'm up for the challenge. I think it will be ok, as long as i do my best and provide the best care that I can. In the end, if the child cannot make it, I hope that they could have been comforted somewhat by my actions and being there for them. And after, I hope I can provide some measure of comfort and care to the families who have to live with the loss. I hope I can be strong enough to be the support that the children and their families need. There was a short period of time in the NICU where we had several deaths. One of kids I did work with, and it was very sad that he died. He was doing so well when I was with him and then a few days later started going downhill. I didn't really know how to handle it, I felt somewhat removed. When i saw him the next week I didnt recognize him. I didn't see his family either, though I could hear them sobbing in the room next door. And it was like that with the other children who died. I tried to keep myself away or else I would have become an emotional wreck. I think if i had worked with the families more I would have broken down. That's what I worry about with the new job. I'll be working with the children and families a lot more, and if something happens, I dont know how to handle it. But when this was happening, I found that I loved my babies even more and poured myself into their care. And maybe that's the only way to deal. You accept the deaths, hope that you did all that you could, and learn to cherish the ones who are still here. That's why it's important to work with the families, and redouble your efforts with the other kids under your care. In the end it's what you did that matters, and what you will continue to do.
Maybe because it's my first professional job that i'm worrying so much. I keep thinking like kids are dying left and right and every other hour. It's nervousness that's exaggerating the difficulties that lie ahead. But hey, nothing's ever easy and the challenges we face build character, right? I'm pretty excited to start my job though, and hopefully I wasnt hallucinating that job offer too!
This time, I'll be sailing
No more bailing boats for me
I'll be out there on the sea
Just my confidence and me
And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
But I'll learn to get by
On little victories
I was offered a job the other day at UCSF on the peds heme-onc floor (bone cancers and bone marrow transplants). I'm a little nervous. In a few short weeks all kinds of responsibility was dumped on my shoulders. I'll be working with real people, not as a student, but an actual professional, which means theres no safety net or watchful mentor looking over my shoulder... well that is, after I finish my orientation and such. But one thing that really stuck with me as I fumbled during the interview, was what the nurse manager mentioned and warned me about. The kids on this unit are usually really sick. Like those who are teetering on the edge of recovery and death. And although leukemias are usually very treatable outpatient, and survival rates are excellent, our unit gets those few percent that might not. The floor also functions as palliative/hospice care. It worries me that I might not be able to handle it. But I'm up for the challenge. I think it will be ok, as long as i do my best and provide the best care that I can. In the end, if the child cannot make it, I hope that they could have been comforted somewhat by my actions and being there for them. And after, I hope I can provide some measure of comfort and care to the families who have to live with the loss. I hope I can be strong enough to be the support that the children and their families need. There was a short period of time in the NICU where we had several deaths. One of kids I did work with, and it was very sad that he died. He was doing so well when I was with him and then a few days later started going downhill. I didn't really know how to handle it, I felt somewhat removed. When i saw him the next week I didnt recognize him. I didn't see his family either, though I could hear them sobbing in the room next door. And it was like that with the other children who died. I tried to keep myself away or else I would have become an emotional wreck. I think if i had worked with the families more I would have broken down. That's what I worry about with the new job. I'll be working with the children and families a lot more, and if something happens, I dont know how to handle it. But when this was happening, I found that I loved my babies even more and poured myself into their care. And maybe that's the only way to deal. You accept the deaths, hope that you did all that you could, and learn to cherish the ones who are still here. That's why it's important to work with the families, and redouble your efforts with the other kids under your care. In the end it's what you did that matters, and what you will continue to do.
Maybe because it's my first professional job that i'm worrying so much. I keep thinking like kids are dying left and right and every other hour. It's nervousness that's exaggerating the difficulties that lie ahead. But hey, nothing's ever easy and the challenges we face build character, right? I'm pretty excited to start my job though, and hopefully I wasnt hallucinating that job offer too!
This time, I'll be sailing
No more bailing boats for me
I'll be out there on the sea
Just my confidence and me
And I'll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
But I'll learn to get by
On little victories