Just want be living as I'm dying, just like everybody here

[themightycurtis]

It's funny how what you call "home" can be the happiest yet saddest place for you. It's the place you long to be. But what if you dont know where 'home' is, or if youre far away from it? When I was back in SF, I loved it. It didnt matter to me if I spent my night with friends or if I were alone. I just enjoyed the cool air, the sounds, the smells and the feel of being back in my old bed, in my old room, in my old house. I was content. And for most of the trip I was happy and enjoyed myself being home. But towards the end I started getting sad and lonely again. Those skeletons in the closet, the things that you thought you hid and left behind turns out to never have gone after all. You take them with you wherever you go, and you take them out when you want to. I guess I had a lot of time to think. I thought about my future plans, what I was going to do, how I was going to do it. They brought out those old fears. I've been protecting myself, trying not to let anyone in too close. I said I'll wait on that part of my life for when I get my shit together and am ready to start that part of my life. My life is in transition, and I've been in it for a long time. And not knowing where I'll be or what I'll be doing is a bit scary. Makes me a bit nervous and antsy. Oh I wont be in SF for long, so I'll wait. Oh I'll be in Baltimore for a year, maybe 4, so I'll wait. Oh I'll go abroad and work, so I'll put that part of me on the backburner. Maybe I'll go to Hawai'i. Maybe I'll move up north. Maybe I wont find anyone. It's something that I've always really wanted, but learned to live without. And that disturbs me. Part of me doesnt care anymore, because I dont want to deal with anyone. I dont want to deal with their problems because I have enough of my own. I dont want to deal with the act of dating and searching. I didnt want to meet someone and then have to move away. I just want to be at that place where I am comfortable with someone else in my life. I want to jump to point B without first getting to point A. But I suppose that's silly. I dont think meeting and getting to know the person you were meant to be with should be hard. It should be fluid, natural and painless. So I figured when it happens, it'll happen. But the simple act of waiting is the hardest to do. It's kinda boring... Sometimes it feels like I'm not living. Like I'm going through the motions towards the life that I will have, but forgot to stop and live for the moment.

I put a lot of myself on hold as I tried to build the life that I wanted for myself but while I was working towards it, I stopped living.

I shouldn't have let that happen.

I just want to be living as I'm dying
just like everybody here
just want to know my little flicker of time is worthwhile
and I don't know where I'm driving to
but I know I'm getting old
and there's a blessing in every moment every mile