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I am in no way in a normal state of mind at the moment.
I don't understand what's happened tonight. I went out with several of my friends to a house party and, in the beginning, was doing quite well for myself. Out of the blue, this unmistakably sullen feeling came over me. Thoughts from all different areas of my being came rushing and it really shook me. I almost got weepy, but for my own sake, I managed to stop myself from showing any type of emotion.
I don't know anymore. I've been so empowered and untouchable the past several weeks; I've felt renewed, with purpose and healed. Tonight I feel none of those, rather exhausted, aimless and torn. I know I'm a fuck up, I know this. For whatever reason, the fates decided that tonight would be a good night to remind me of that fact, knowing full well that I can fix nothing and my hands have been relieved of any potential way to drag myself back on my feet once it hit me. All things meandering in my thoughts...I have no way of fixing on my own. And no chance in existence of getting the helping hand needed to rectify any of it.
I just want it to go away. I want to stop feeling all together; I'd rather feel nothing and have my spirit left cold than feel what I'm currently feeling and "know I'm alive" or whatever pretentious jazz people harp about. If given the choice I'd gladly give up this personality and "charisma" that failed to get the job done in the first place where and when it mattered most and trade it for being emotionless and empty. My creativity and talents would remain intact, yet my personality would be unable to be shaken and broken on a whim.
I've never in my life wanted that. I've always valued feeling, sensitivity to one's situations and the ability to cope. I've made the choice to want it euthanized and excised from my being, so that maybe through an act of complete impulse I can find some sense of normality and happiness (of the long standing, non-patchy variety...) again. I've put myself (and everyone surrounding me at one point or another...) through the glass long enough. Of course, I can't hit a switch and just turn myself off entirely. It never is that easy, you know? Only time will tell if it's possible to numb one's self, with the sole purpose and intent being simply to be numb.
Maybe a miracle, should such a thing exist, will come my way. Maybe help will come from where I least expect it to. Maybe not all is lost and this is simply me finally nailing rock bottom before the great reconstruction.
I'm an optimist. A glass half full human being. Something will give, somewhere. It has to. Oh your God(s), now I have Real Life's "Send Me An Angel" on loop within my head. Oh goodness.
I don't understand what's happened tonight. I went out with several of my friends to a house party and, in the beginning, was doing quite well for myself. Out of the blue, this unmistakably sullen feeling came over me. Thoughts from all different areas of my being came rushing and it really shook me. I almost got weepy, but for my own sake, I managed to stop myself from showing any type of emotion.
I don't know anymore. I've been so empowered and untouchable the past several weeks; I've felt renewed, with purpose and healed. Tonight I feel none of those, rather exhausted, aimless and torn. I know I'm a fuck up, I know this. For whatever reason, the fates decided that tonight would be a good night to remind me of that fact, knowing full well that I can fix nothing and my hands have been relieved of any potential way to drag myself back on my feet once it hit me. All things meandering in my thoughts...I have no way of fixing on my own. And no chance in existence of getting the helping hand needed to rectify any of it.
I just want it to go away. I want to stop feeling all together; I'd rather feel nothing and have my spirit left cold than feel what I'm currently feeling and "know I'm alive" or whatever pretentious jazz people harp about. If given the choice I'd gladly give up this personality and "charisma" that failed to get the job done in the first place where and when it mattered most and trade it for being emotionless and empty. My creativity and talents would remain intact, yet my personality would be unable to be shaken and broken on a whim.
I've never in my life wanted that. I've always valued feeling, sensitivity to one's situations and the ability to cope. I've made the choice to want it euthanized and excised from my being, so that maybe through an act of complete impulse I can find some sense of normality and happiness (of the long standing, non-patchy variety...) again. I've put myself (and everyone surrounding me at one point or another...) through the glass long enough. Of course, I can't hit a switch and just turn myself off entirely. It never is that easy, you know? Only time will tell if it's possible to numb one's self, with the sole purpose and intent being simply to be numb.
Maybe a miracle, should such a thing exist, will come my way. Maybe help will come from where I least expect it to. Maybe not all is lost and this is simply me finally nailing rock bottom before the great reconstruction.
I'm an optimist. A glass half full human being. Something will give, somewhere. It has to. Oh your God(s), now I have Real Life's "Send Me An Angel" on loop within my head. Oh goodness.