She screams at the top of her lungs...
and says, "I'm whole."
Wow. Wowowow.
It's been... a few months short of a year? I got curious, started reading back... I've realized that I could be on this for days, sifting through words, curious about the me I was. It feels like reading the words of a stranger, and I feel like I could get lost going all the way back, and then looking for the words that came before that. But, I have things to do, life to live. A small, quiet reflection is nice, though.
A simple explanation would be, I've changed, so much. Documenting this would be a tremendous feat. But perhaps, I can find a sort of short-hand version. I don't know if I will continue this journal... I have too many others... paper, pens, blogger, tumblr, myspace... to where I feel the need to pick and choose a select few to focus on. We'll see.
So, I've changed. How?
When Andy and I split, it broke one of my final strings. The fact is, I wasn't a healthy person and definitely not in my right mind. Reading back, there is so much negativity, so much depression, so much anger. I led myself to believe that I was in control of things, but it's obvious I wasn't. I was always planning, scheduling, examining, refining - to have everything fall apart if one little thing went wrong. I talk about being tired. Look around at everything else aside from what I truly felt inside. Placing the blame on everyone else instead.
Andy was right to leave me. Although he did some things that bothered me, what I did was far worse and far more hypocritical. It took a while after we parted ways for me to accept this. I had to start looking deep down inside myself, face the ugly things within. I had to learn, to accept those things. These are all things I should have done before entering a relationship with anyone, but I suppose you learn in time. I'm sorry for him, that he had to be put through that. I'm sorry for myself, for the loss of a good person. But at the same time, I know better now and have more optimism.
So what were these things? A lot of it, unresolved guilt and depression which stemmed from experiences with my father and Zach. Realizing that I could not change what had happened in my life, but I did have control of the present and future. Acknowledging that what I did - holding in my secrets, being angry and defensive, staying closed off to the world - had a lot to do with survival. I was trying to survive, the best I could, but I didn't realize that it was causing more harm than good. The negativity I felt inside about myself and my past carried over into all aspects of my life - my job, which I constantly complained about (still do, sometimes, but far less and usually interspersed with laughter), my relationship, my friendships, and eventually ate away at my hobbies. I tried to resolve the holes I felt inside with external factors - relationships, casual sex, alcohol, food, drugs, material goods. To the outside world, it was viewed as selfishness. Inside, I tried to justify it all.
The world has a funny way of throwing things back in your face. Truth cracks. The negativity I felt inside - I thought I was hiding it from the rest of the world, but now I realize it was painfully obvious. The world reflected it back onto me. I lost Andy and our home and cats. My best friend and roommate at the time wasn't spending much time with me, and moved only 5 months after we had started living together (to be with her significant other, though I suspect that the energy of the house had something to do with it as well). This really may have been my final string, where I felt like I had lost everything, including control. The funny thing about rock bottom is that when you have nothing left to lose you are free.
Lucky me, I was able to see this.
This event ended up being one of the greatest turning points of my life. I was angry and so stressed out at first. I had just started school (as a psych major), but was lucky enough to be doing some reading about stress at that time. One thing stood out to me:
Those who are able to view stressors as opportunities are generally happier, more balanced, and exert greater control over their lives.
I decided to try this. After spending a couple of days thinking negatively about this move, I simply changed my mind. Instead of seeing it as some sort of end, I saw it as a beginning. I saw opportunity. To find a space of my own and have the freedom to decorate it as I please. To move to a new part of town that suited me better. To have a space for reflection, meditation, progression. And I did simply that.
I moved a few miles away to a different area of town - one filled with trees, small coffee shops, and a pub which has slam poetry nights. It is 4 miles from both my school and my work. I took my time in considering this new home, looking around on my days off, and stopping only when my intuition told me to. I had my choice of units and picked one with some lovely plants and trees outside of the patio. Before I moved, I started on some art work - piecing together room dividers and lamps made from unusual materials. I got rid of half of my belongings. I started to learn of the significance of letting go.
It took only a small amount of time to adjust. I moved during the quarter and still made out with an excellent GPA. Being in school started to affect me positively. I was back in a realm where my talents lie, instead of just wishing I could be better at something. Academia has always been my strong suit, and embracing that fact allowed me to feel better about other things - I could paint or draw or play an instrument badly and not feel frustration over it because I had respect for my talents.
Throughout the term, my studies started to impact me greatly. I started biking again, regularly. I became much more confident in my ideas, and slowly changed, from an introvert to an extrovert. I started going out more and more, saying yes to life and focusing less on mundane things. I let things go, learned to roll with it because there are a lot of things in life that cannot be controlled. I learned to accept that things have a funny way of working out in the end. I embraced the journey, embraced my solitude, embraced my freedom. I started to look at people differently, understanding that they, too, are trying to survive - mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I learned to look for the small ties I have to each person I cross paths with - to know that there is something that exists within them that deserves respect and empathy. I don't hate people. I can dislike certain behaviors, but at the root of it all, love is what we all need in our lives.
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
And now? I'm all about the journey. I still want to be a counselor, but I'm not in a hurry. A few months has revealed so much to me - what will happen in a few years? There are so many things to see and do and understand. So many stories to hear. I make plans, but I also accept that plans should be tentative at best. Life changes, people change, I change, and my dream yesterday may not be my dream today. Basic goals are nice, though.
I'm considering working on a dual degree - combining my BS with a degree in Arts and Letters, perhaps with a minor in English. This is mostly an excuse for me to get as much out of school as I can as long as I am eligible for federal aid.
Sometime next year, I'll likely be looking to work for a nonprofit as a residential counselor 1 (which you can do without a degree - a good way to gain experience, humble yourself a bit, and test drive the life of a counselor).
And, I'm going to start traveling. In December, I will be going to Peru for 8 days, but off the beaten path. My friend and I are extremely curious about culture and the people, so we are striving to stay off of the gringo trail. Next summer, we are going to Greece but will likely find a way to venture out and visit a few places. Sometime in the next 5 years, I'd like to take 3 months to backpack around South America and work with volunteer coordinators, shamans, and activists and work for causes outside of myself. I want to hear stories. I want to know of all the ways that people heal... and then I want to make my own theoretical orientation.
And love? Is in my life every day. Not necessarily romantic love, but love of every bit of life around me. Love for my friends, who have had a tremendous amount of patience for me and who have helped me more than I can express.
Romantically, I've spent the year more or less on my own. There have been small passing events - boys that like me that I don't feel the same for and vice versa. It doesn't bother me. It's not necessary, just nice. Recently I have met someone. We are uncertain about what to call ourselves, but I don't mind it. We have a mutual understanding that there are feelings involved, and that at this point, honesty is important. We spend weekends together seeking out adventures around town. I spent a week after our first kiss with a head full of questions, insecurity, anxiety. After coming to an agreement - an acknowledgement of aforementioned feelings and honesty, I feel better. My head is back on straight and I am ready to conquer the world, any day of the week. I don't know what will come of this, but I have stepped back and accepted that it's not always up to me to decide, so I should just be happy either way. It's all about the journey. I am getting better at letting go.
Finally, some important quotes that guide my life.
"To conquer others is to have power. To conquer yourself is to know the way." - Tao Te Ching (rough translation)
"When a mother suffers because she cannot feed her child, then I suffer as well, for the part of me that is the mother as well as the child." - Guided meditation on oneness and humility
"If there is something in your life that causes you to be unhappy or uncomfortable, there are two ways of looking at this: you can either try to change the world around you to meet your expectations, or you can simply change your mind. The first takes you down a path of stress and anxiety with no known end. The latter gives you instantaneous relief." - Midnights with the mystic (rough translation)
Wow. Wowowow.
It's been... a few months short of a year? I got curious, started reading back... I've realized that I could be on this for days, sifting through words, curious about the me I was. It feels like reading the words of a stranger, and I feel like I could get lost going all the way back, and then looking for the words that came before that. But, I have things to do, life to live. A small, quiet reflection is nice, though.
A simple explanation would be, I've changed, so much. Documenting this would be a tremendous feat. But perhaps, I can find a sort of short-hand version. I don't know if I will continue this journal... I have too many others... paper, pens, blogger, tumblr, myspace... to where I feel the need to pick and choose a select few to focus on. We'll see.
So, I've changed. How?
When Andy and I split, it broke one of my final strings. The fact is, I wasn't a healthy person and definitely not in my right mind. Reading back, there is so much negativity, so much depression, so much anger. I led myself to believe that I was in control of things, but it's obvious I wasn't. I was always planning, scheduling, examining, refining - to have everything fall apart if one little thing went wrong. I talk about being tired. Look around at everything else aside from what I truly felt inside. Placing the blame on everyone else instead.
Andy was right to leave me. Although he did some things that bothered me, what I did was far worse and far more hypocritical. It took a while after we parted ways for me to accept this. I had to start looking deep down inside myself, face the ugly things within. I had to learn, to accept those things. These are all things I should have done before entering a relationship with anyone, but I suppose you learn in time. I'm sorry for him, that he had to be put through that. I'm sorry for myself, for the loss of a good person. But at the same time, I know better now and have more optimism.
So what were these things? A lot of it, unresolved guilt and depression which stemmed from experiences with my father and Zach. Realizing that I could not change what had happened in my life, but I did have control of the present and future. Acknowledging that what I did - holding in my secrets, being angry and defensive, staying closed off to the world - had a lot to do with survival. I was trying to survive, the best I could, but I didn't realize that it was causing more harm than good. The negativity I felt inside about myself and my past carried over into all aspects of my life - my job, which I constantly complained about (still do, sometimes, but far less and usually interspersed with laughter), my relationship, my friendships, and eventually ate away at my hobbies. I tried to resolve the holes I felt inside with external factors - relationships, casual sex, alcohol, food, drugs, material goods. To the outside world, it was viewed as selfishness. Inside, I tried to justify it all.
The world has a funny way of throwing things back in your face. Truth cracks. The negativity I felt inside - I thought I was hiding it from the rest of the world, but now I realize it was painfully obvious. The world reflected it back onto me. I lost Andy and our home and cats. My best friend and roommate at the time wasn't spending much time with me, and moved only 5 months after we had started living together (to be with her significant other, though I suspect that the energy of the house had something to do with it as well). This really may have been my final string, where I felt like I had lost everything, including control. The funny thing about rock bottom is that when you have nothing left to lose you are free.
Lucky me, I was able to see this.
This event ended up being one of the greatest turning points of my life. I was angry and so stressed out at first. I had just started school (as a psych major), but was lucky enough to be doing some reading about stress at that time. One thing stood out to me:
Those who are able to view stressors as opportunities are generally happier, more balanced, and exert greater control over their lives.
I decided to try this. After spending a couple of days thinking negatively about this move, I simply changed my mind. Instead of seeing it as some sort of end, I saw it as a beginning. I saw opportunity. To find a space of my own and have the freedom to decorate it as I please. To move to a new part of town that suited me better. To have a space for reflection, meditation, progression. And I did simply that.
I moved a few miles away to a different area of town - one filled with trees, small coffee shops, and a pub which has slam poetry nights. It is 4 miles from both my school and my work. I took my time in considering this new home, looking around on my days off, and stopping only when my intuition told me to. I had my choice of units and picked one with some lovely plants and trees outside of the patio. Before I moved, I started on some art work - piecing together room dividers and lamps made from unusual materials. I got rid of half of my belongings. I started to learn of the significance of letting go.
It took only a small amount of time to adjust. I moved during the quarter and still made out with an excellent GPA. Being in school started to affect me positively. I was back in a realm where my talents lie, instead of just wishing I could be better at something. Academia has always been my strong suit, and embracing that fact allowed me to feel better about other things - I could paint or draw or play an instrument badly and not feel frustration over it because I had respect for my talents.
Throughout the term, my studies started to impact me greatly. I started biking again, regularly. I became much more confident in my ideas, and slowly changed, from an introvert to an extrovert. I started going out more and more, saying yes to life and focusing less on mundane things. I let things go, learned to roll with it because there are a lot of things in life that cannot be controlled. I learned to accept that things have a funny way of working out in the end. I embraced the journey, embraced my solitude, embraced my freedom. I started to look at people differently, understanding that they, too, are trying to survive - mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I learned to look for the small ties I have to each person I cross paths with - to know that there is something that exists within them that deserves respect and empathy. I don't hate people. I can dislike certain behaviors, but at the root of it all, love is what we all need in our lives.
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
And now? I'm all about the journey. I still want to be a counselor, but I'm not in a hurry. A few months has revealed so much to me - what will happen in a few years? There are so many things to see and do and understand. So many stories to hear. I make plans, but I also accept that plans should be tentative at best. Life changes, people change, I change, and my dream yesterday may not be my dream today. Basic goals are nice, though.
I'm considering working on a dual degree - combining my BS with a degree in Arts and Letters, perhaps with a minor in English. This is mostly an excuse for me to get as much out of school as I can as long as I am eligible for federal aid.
Sometime next year, I'll likely be looking to work for a nonprofit as a residential counselor 1 (which you can do without a degree - a good way to gain experience, humble yourself a bit, and test drive the life of a counselor).
And, I'm going to start traveling. In December, I will be going to Peru for 8 days, but off the beaten path. My friend and I are extremely curious about culture and the people, so we are striving to stay off of the gringo trail. Next summer, we are going to Greece but will likely find a way to venture out and visit a few places. Sometime in the next 5 years, I'd like to take 3 months to backpack around South America and work with volunteer coordinators, shamans, and activists and work for causes outside of myself. I want to hear stories. I want to know of all the ways that people heal... and then I want to make my own theoretical orientation.
And love? Is in my life every day. Not necessarily romantic love, but love of every bit of life around me. Love for my friends, who have had a tremendous amount of patience for me and who have helped me more than I can express.
Romantically, I've spent the year more or less on my own. There have been small passing events - boys that like me that I don't feel the same for and vice versa. It doesn't bother me. It's not necessary, just nice. Recently I have met someone. We are uncertain about what to call ourselves, but I don't mind it. We have a mutual understanding that there are feelings involved, and that at this point, honesty is important. We spend weekends together seeking out adventures around town. I spent a week after our first kiss with a head full of questions, insecurity, anxiety. After coming to an agreement - an acknowledgement of aforementioned feelings and honesty, I feel better. My head is back on straight and I am ready to conquer the world, any day of the week. I don't know what will come of this, but I have stepped back and accepted that it's not always up to me to decide, so I should just be happy either way. It's all about the journey. I am getting better at letting go.
Finally, some important quotes that guide my life.
"To conquer others is to have power. To conquer yourself is to know the way." - Tao Te Ching (rough translation)
"When a mother suffers because she cannot feed her child, then I suffer as well, for the part of me that is the mother as well as the child." - Guided meditation on oneness and humility
"If there is something in your life that causes you to be unhappy or uncomfortable, there are two ways of looking at this: you can either try to change the world around you to meet your expectations, or you can simply change your mind. The first takes you down a path of stress and anxiety with no known end. The latter gives you instantaneous relief." - Midnights with the mystic (rough translation)